четверг, 26 сентября 2019 г.

Backpage Alternatives: How Tiny Sites Became Big Business

When internet dating first began, it was mainly seen as an outlet for people that could not otherwise get a date…. But, since the early 2000′s, online dating is much more common and socially acceptable. While eHarmony and Match.com are generally considered to be the market leaders in the industry, “free dating sites” are rapidly gaining in popularity. The free site “Plenty of Fish” has grown dramatically and in February of 2011, drew in over 5.3 million visitors from all over the world.
This new “free” model for online dating, has put a major dent in the business model of subscription sites. But, many in the industry believe that there is still a place for both. There are advantages and disadvatages to free sites, including the ability of any user to access pictures and sensitive information. Some would also say a lower quality of service is found on these free sites.
An “ugly” design has not stopped PlentyofFish in the least. It is continuing to grow at a pace, many other dating sites would envy. The revenues for the site are estimated at over 10 million dollars per year. POF is run with minimal employees, and extremely low overhead. This allows it to directly complete with the industry powerhouses.
Niche Sites
Sites that focus on small interest groups ranging from “pet lovers” to “prisoner penpals”, have also become very popular. Better communication through the internet, allows very segmented groups of people to connect and form bonds. Some tiny, niche dating sites could be characterized as fetish sites, but others do honorable jobs like helping the disabled connect and communicate.

Disabled Online Dating Sites

In recent years, these “micro communities”, centered around the disabled have dramatically grown in populartity. Sites like dating4disabled.com, allow people with disorders like spinal cord injuries, cerebral palsy, or blindness to connect with local single people. Other sites are designed specifically for people in wheelchairs, who are partially or fully blind, or have psychiatric illnesses.
Other backpage dating communities, include:

STD Dating

Some sites cater specifically to people with sexually transmitted diseases. They have been around in one form or another since 2000. The site Positivesingles.com allows users with HIV, HPV, and Hepatitis to meet other people living with these illnesses. These communities are large and help people who might not otherwise be able to find a good romantic match.
In addition to matching singles, communities centered around an illness can partly serve as a support group. This can be very helpful for people that feel they don’t fit into larger online dating communities.
More backpage dating communities, include:

Large Niche Communities

Larger niche sites like JDate or Christian Mingle allow users of a particular faith to connect. JDate focuses on providing an online dating service to the Jewish community. Currently JDate is said to have over 450,000 active members. Currently, there are over 15 major dating sites that specialize specifically in connecting jewish singles. Faith based dating communities are continuing to grow at a quick pace. Christian, Muslim, and Jewish centered sites are the largest active groups.

Other backpage dating communities, include:
Small Niche = Small Community
When users sign up for a membership to a small community, they need to be wary that a real community actually exists behind the pay-wall. Many small sites are not likely to have members of a small niche group, within a user’s local area. Some sites just connect users to a larger database of users which may or may not share the trait they are searching for.
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среда, 25 сентября 2019 г.

What Are You Using To Bait Your Hook?

I’ve long been of the opinion that what you do to “catch” someone is what you have to do to “keep” that certain someone. If you’ve been reading my blog for any length of time, you’ve seen me write about it before.
Last week, I was listening to a truly awesome sermon series by Andy Stanley and he expanded on that premise. He was talking about the commoditization of women and how prevalent it is in our culture today. He first made us all laugh by bringing up the fact that every time a dude comes up with a cult idea it includes some divine reason that he needs to have sex with as many women as are currently available. He pointed out that these men effectively make those women a commodity.
“Commodity”: A generic, largely unprocessed, good that can be processed and resold. Commodities traded in the financial markets for immediate or future delivery are grains, metals, and minerals. They are generally traded in very large quantities. See also: single women in typical American dating culture. (last sentence mine)
But then he went on to point out commoditization in the common American dating culture. Where women dress to display their “assets” and men treat women as a disposable good or service to be traded up or down at will. Hello on-line dating. Let’s take Loveawake.com for example. I happen to like Loveawake. It works for a lot of people. But let’s face it, if you don’t have a good picture on Loveawake, you get no attention. And, as a girl, by “good”, I mean… showing some sort of “asset”. Usually baiting the hook with your body… sad but true. It happens. Often.
And I don’t think the single guys are totally un-commoditized either. Many guys bait their hook with pictures of them by expensive cars, on expensive trips and engaging in expensive hobbies. (And yes, lots of pictures holding big fish.) Or by showing off their 6-8-12 pack that took hours of carving at the gym. And I bet, they get a lot of attention because of it.
So, how do you “bait your hook”? Do you commoditize yourself? Have you bowed to the pressure of sending “more pictures” when a guy asked for them? Do you find yourself bragging about your job, income or lifestyle when on a first date? Do you wear something that purposely flaunts your “assets” while out and about?
Andy encouraged a zero tolerance policy for being commoditized. And I have to say, I agree with him. It’s sometimes harder, and at times chancy, to not lead with your “catch all” bait… like looks, wallet or other easily “valued” skill. But I’m thinking that taking the slow road of requiring someone to really get to know you would lead to a better quality of relationship down the line.
We all want to be loved as a unique, one-of-a-kind person rather than just another hot bod or a fat wallet that can be traded for something bigger and better. So, is it worth the risk to narrow the quantity of dates in favor of the quality by baiting your hook with your more intangible qualities?
Or, perhaps you are already there. You’ve switched bait and started fishing for a different kind of fish. If so, what do you think? Have you gotten better relationship results when you bait your hook with something like intelligence or personality? Does it work to try to lead with qualities rather than commodities on on-line dating sites?
Or do you think it’s a hopelessly idealized thought in the modern dating world?
Sources:

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It’s Not The Nice Guys Who Finish Last…

You’ve all heard the saying “nice guys finish last.” And I’m betting that many of you have embraced it as truth. If you have, I’m going to make you a bit uncomfortable with this post because I don’t believe it. I do believe that any number of things can hamstring a guy’s ability to “get” the girl, but I don’t think being “nice” is one of them.
First, let’s make sure that your “nice guy” and my “nice guy” definitions line up. I believe “nice” can be defined by a few general characteristics:
  • Someone who believes in doing the right thing by everyone.
  • Someone who is consistent and a man of their word.
  • Someone who is not inclined to say mean/hurtful/judgmental things about others.
  • Someone who treats their partner with respect, trust and love.
  • Someone more along the lines of Tom Hanks than Colin Farrell.
Now, who wouldn’t want the above characteristics in a partner? (Well, I can’t speak for the crazy chick – but if you like crazy chicks then “nice” ain’t gonna cut it anyway.) But aside from the crazies, these are all things that attract the kind of girl a truly nice guy would want for a partner.
So why are “nice” guys finishing last?
There are two bullets that will kill any nice guy chances. Passivity and lack of confidence. Both will stick you permanently in the “friend zone.” Sitting on your hands and HOPING that she’s going to magically fall in your lap…. not gonna happen. The kind of girl that I bet you are gunning for, needs courting from a nice guy “with edge.”
Now, don’t go all Player’s Handbook on me. Not THAT kind of edge. The kind of edge that most girls are looking for goes something like this…
  • If he likes me, he lets me know it.
  • He respects himself enough to not play games AND to not be attracted to game players.
  • He has the kind of confidence that lets me know that I can trust him to be his own man and not be swayed by what everyone else thinks.
  • When he asks me out, he has a plan.
  • He’s not waiting around for life to happen to him.
Basically, we’re looking for an extremely confidant GENTLEMAN.
Your “edge” is all about confidence in yourself and your decisions. Not bragging. Not ego. Just confidence. Do you think you are the confident nice guy and you’re still getting passed over by the girls you like?
Then check back in next week for a post on how to hone your “Nice guy with an edge” skills…
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Don’t Waste A Woman’s Time

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понедельник, 23 сентября 2019 г.

Dating Site Reviews – READ THIS FIRST!

In the last 20 years, online dating has grown from a small niche market into big business. Dating sites like eHarmony have grown dramatically in size as more people grow comfortable with internet dating. There are many different types of sites including paid membership sites, free sites, and smaller niche group sites. The type of dating site you may be interested in will definitely depend on your circumstances and the type of experience you are looking for. People looking to find love or marriage, seek to meet other members that are serious about their internet dating experience. These people should avoid “free” sites as the members tend to not be as committed to the process.

Membership Sites – why they offer a better experience for users

There are a few membership sites that seem to dominate in terms of providing a good user experience, having a large userbase, and matchmaking. These sites would include:
1) eHarmony – this site is one of the most well known brands and does quite a bit of television and internet advertising. The site launch in 2000 and has members from countries all over the world. The site was founded by a psychologist and relationship author “Neil Warren”. He used his relationship knowledge to create a system that sought to improve the dating experience with a better matchmaking system.
The site matches members based on a lengthy questionnaire that seeks to discover “core traits” about each individual and match people who are similar in these respects. The company has developed a proprietary algorithm that analyses an individuals questionnaire and their behavior on the site, to create better matches. Studies have shown that members who are match with eHarmony’s system have almost 2 times greater chance to become married than couple match on other systems.
2) Perfect Match – This dating site also has its own matchmaking system which creates connections based on the “Duet Total Compatibility System”. It was developed by a relationship expert and doctor who sought to use a psychological questionnaire to evaluate its members and find other users who had a similar profile.
The matching system works to match people in a way that is different from how eHarmony creates their matches. It evaluates users based on a questionnaire, then uses this information to find members with complementary personality traits (NOT like personality traits).
The site was founded in 2003 and has a very positive rating by its users.

Niche Dating Sites (Religious, Ethnic, Divorced, and Single Parent Focused Sites)

Recently, a new trend in online dating is moving towards smaller “niche” sites focused around a very specific group of people or interest. These sites are centered around topics such as religion, ethnicity, and hobbies.
There are many websites that are centered on a type of religion including Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, and Catholicism. These sites are made up entirely out of members of that particular religion. So, if finding a partner with a similar belief system is important to you, you should consider this. The largest religion based membership sites tend to be christian. These include:
1) Christian Mingle – this site is completely christian-centric and includes advice for christians seeking to date, as well as very large userbase. This site has an A+ Better Business Bureau rating and is part of the Sparks Network. Which is a network of faith based websites. The memberships costs $30 per month.
2) Christian Cafe – this is a cheap and completely christian focused dating sites that was created in 1998. They have a lot of positive user testimonials and also a very reasonable subscription cost at around $8 per month.
Dating sites based around Judaism are also very prominent. The top sites in this category include:
1) Jewcier – this is Jewish centered site that was launched in 2010. It has a large userbase of single jewish people in the U.S., Isreal, and World abroad. The site recieves around 70,000 visitors each month and has a slightly larger female population than male.
2) JDate – Jdate.com is one of the most popular dating sites focused around Judaism. It has a “free” and “subscription” based service. Free users can browse and flirt with other members on the site, but interaction is limited. If a user upgrades their membership, they will have access to additional features including messaging, email, and chat. One interesting feature that Jdate offers is the ability of users to signal that there is a mutual interest. This has helped to increase the level of interaction on the site which can lead to successful dates.
Other types of niche sites are dedicated specifically single parent or people that are newly divorced. Top sites in this niche include:
1) Just Single Parents – this site offers single parents the ability to interact with other single people with children. The site is very user friendly and has compatibility testing, the creating of video profiles, and a short sign up time. Another great feature about this site is that it allows video based chat and texting through the site.
2) Just Divorced Singles – this site is focused specifically on people that are divorced and are looking for people in a similar situation. The site has alot of great features including video chat, video profiles, and instant messaging. The site is subscription based and costs around $30 per month.
Ethnic based sites have grown dramatically in popularity. The largest demographic of this type of sites are made up of members of the African American community. The top sites in this group include:
1) Black Singles – This is a very large community built specifically for African American members. It was created in 2002 and receives close to 900,000 visitors per month. It allows for a free sign up and requires an upgrade in order to use more advanced features like chat and messaging. It has many positive customer testimonials and has a good rating in the BBB.
2) Black People Meet – this is another site created specifically for members of the black community. It is owned by PeopleMedia which owns a network of dating sites that have visitors in excess of 2 million per month.
3) Just Black Singles – this site is focused on the black community and offers features such as video chat and messaging. The site is free to join and has a large growing userbase.
Another popular niche in the dating industry includes physical preferences like BBW dating (big beautiful women) and men looking to date women from Russia or Eastern Europe. The top sites in this category include:
1) BBW Singles – this is a site for plus size users or single people that are looking to date plus size users. It is the first site created specifically for this demographic. It has a very large userbase and has many positive customer reviews. The site allows for a free 24 hour membership so users can decide whether or not it is for them. This temporary membership allows new users to get full access to the site in order to see if it is for them.
2) Anastasia Date – this is a site built specifically for men who would like to meet women in counties like Russia and Eastern Europe. It allows users to contact and make video dates with women they are interested in. it also allows for live chat, will provide a translator, and gives men the ability arrange face to face dates.
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среда, 4 сентября 2019 г.

Bachelordom Ends in Olive Oil Tasting Room


There are many ways you know you are in a loving relationship. For instance, you both make it official on Facebook. Or you introduce your special someone to your parents.

I recently got engaged, but the totality of my commitment to the relationship did not hit me until about a week later. During a long weekend on California’s Central Coast, my fiancée Jen asked me if I wanted to go olive oil tasting. Without hesitating I said yes. Without. Hesitating. During the heart of college bowl season, no less. It was like she had asked me if I wanted to go to Winnipeg to gamble with Justin Bieber’s money.

“Why,” I’m pretty sure I responded, “are we not doing this right now?”
In my defense, tasting things is all the rage in California. Everyone tastes everything. Wine is popular. There are few activities women in California enjoy more than wine tasting. It combines their love of wine with their love of making men leave the house with their love of guessing whether or not something smells like boysenberry. Right now in California you can taste olive oil, tequila, vodka, beer, honey, chocolate, cheese and anything else sold in charming containers.

Your average wine tasting goes as follows. The tasting room usually is at a winery called something like Silver Artisan Horse Vineyard, which has a logo of a silver horse carving a rocking chair. This hangs above the front gate. You walk up to a standing-only bar, pay $10, and a sommelier pours a flight of five wines, one at a time. The flight starts with a sweet wine that tastes like it was specifically engineered to turn third graders into problem drinkers. The selection grows heartier — or more “complex” — until you finish with a strong wine that could be used to strip the paint off an aircraft carrier.
During the tasting the sommelier points out flavors you can’t actually taste, like boysenberry and oak and Dentyne, but he does not call them flavors. He calls them hints or notes, because he is hinting at what the winemaker wants you to taste so that you can note the flavor and sound sophisticated. It’s all a lie, but you go along with it because you have not been sober since 11 am.
As the tasting progresses and you become inebriated, the wines taste more fabulous. While perusing the menu, and checking prices, you make the decision to order a crate of the Reserve Selection Sauvignon Blanc in order to save money, because to buy it by the bottle would just be ridiculous. You could buy one bottle, but the Golden Artisan Horse Member discount (logo: golden horse building a barn) allows you to save $2 a bottle when you order 70 bottles or more. That’s a savings of $140, and in these hard economic times you can’t afford not to save $140 on something as vital as wine.

With your woman nodding in approval, you hand over your credit card so that the winery can ship you a crate of wine you will forget you ordered the next day. The whole thing ends with you crawling around the winery’s gravel parking lot, muttering to yourself about not eating enough oyster crackers.
Olive oil tasting is similar, except you’re typically less drunk. We went to Olea Farm in Templeton, Calif., where we enjoyed a free tasting flight. We used toothpicks to dip small bread chunks in tiny cups of olive oil. This was very exciting for my fiancée, because, in general, most women cannot resist a tiny variety of anything. This explains the popularity of thimbles, dollhouses, drink umbrellas and babies.

I learned on our trip that the olive oil people have concocted no shortage of uses for their product. Our host was very nice and pointed out these uses. You can use olive oil to bake, fry, sauté, grill, make salad dressing, put on sandwiches, pour on baked potatoes and drizzle on desserts, among other things. Olea even sells an olive oil body wash, which is perfect if your main hygienic concern is that you do not smell enough like pasta salad.
Jen purchased a lemon blush olive oil. I am excited to try it this Saturday, which actually is shaping up as a pretty nice little Saturday. We’re going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, and Beyond, I don’t know.

I don’t know if we’ll have enough time.


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вторник, 3 сентября 2019 г.

Going on a Date With a Guy In a Polyamorous Relationship


Last week, I went to my first-ever play party, or orgy, and thenwrote about it here in exhaustive detail.  One big omission I made, however, was my interaction with a guy we’ll call James.  James was at the party with his longtime female partner, as well as said partner’s boyfriend.
I didn’t write about James then because I wasn’t yet sure how he fit into things.  During the party, James and I hit off.  I was attracted to him.  He was funny, and smart and a good conversationalist.
“Can I take you out sometime?” he finally asked.  “I’d love to get to know you better.”
“With your partner?” I asked.  I identify as straight.  I think the female body is beautiful, but it’s not an object of sexual desire for me.  Life is long, and were I to become attracted to a woman, I would be completely open to exploring that – but it hasn’t happened yet.
“Just us,” he replied.  “I’d like to take you on a date, if you’re interested.”
I’m not drawn to that many men.  I wish I had a broader palate, but I don’t believe in forcing that sort of thing.  So it’s rare for me to meet someone I feel a spark with, not to mention someone who I feel I could potentially trust to respect my health, my safety, and my boundaries.
James, it seemed, could potentially check all those boxes.  There was only one caveat, as far as I was concerned: I never imagined myself as someone who would be interested in polyamorous dating or relationships.  I had nothing against people who were – if you find something that makes you happy and fulfilled and can do it without causing anyone else distress, my God, go for it.  It just never sounded personally appealing for me.
Moreover, I really wanted a long-term monogamous partner and had been dating my face offtrying to find one.  But when I met James two weeks ago, no one potentially interesting had yet surfaced.  Which left me with an interesting conundrum.
“I’ve never dated someone in a long-term partnership before,” I said.  “To be honest, I’m not sure how I feel about it for myself.  That said, I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you.”
He said he understood.
I thought about it for another moment.  Dating,at least in my experience, can be grim.  I missed companionship, and I missed sex.  Didn’t I owe to myself to do something enjoyable for once?  I never thought I’d enjoy an orgy either, and here I was, having a terrific time.  Maybe I would surprise myself in this venue as well.
I gave him my number.
James and I texted back and forth for a few days afterwards.  He was witty and charming.  He expressed interest in the boring minutia of my life that only people who really like you have patience for.  We discovered we had a lot in common, including a borderline obsessive love of college football – but that we rooted for rival teams, which added an extra charge to our flirtations.
I found myself going about my workday with one eye on my cell phone, waiting for his next message.  I smiled thinking about him.
And then, the morning before we were supposed to have dinner, the strangest thing happened.
I had a panic attack.
As I’vewritten here previously, I have an anxiety disorder which, thanks to great therapists and effective medication, I’ve had under control for years now.  (I can’t even remember the last time I had a panic attack before this last one.)  So when I felt the old, scary symptoms – sweating, heart palpitations, a tightening across my chest – I knew my body was reacting to more than just a physiological imbalance.
I called a friend.
“I know it has to be the date,” I explained to her.  “I’m really, really nervous about it.  And I wish I weren’t, because he seems like a great guy.”
“He probably is,” she replied.  “But you’ve told me before that you’re not interested in being polyamorous.”
The point she made was a fairly obvious one: the idea of dating a guy in a long-term relationship with someone else made me uncomfortable, so I shouldn’t do it.  I knew she was right – after all, I made such a big deal in my essay last week about honoring your boundaries.  But to my great surprise, I had difficulty taking my own advice.  I was disappointed in myself: There was this great thing in front of me, and I was getting in my own way and not letting myself have it.  What was wrong with me?  Was I insecure?  Possessive?  Brainwashed by oppressive cultural norms?
“Nothing’s wrong with you,” my friend said.  “You’re just not into it.”
My friend and I talked further.  Ultimately, I still wanted a monogamous relationship.  That meant that even if James and developed a relationship of our own, I was treating him as a glorified distraction, someone to keep me company until I found the man I was really looking for – at which point, I’d dump him.  And that wasn’t fair to either of us.
Fortified by my new clarity, I took a deep breath and texted him: Hey James, as I’ve done some thinking, I realize that it won’t work for me to date someone in a committed relationship (despite your partner’s support).  I’ve loved getting to know you, but I don’t want to waste your time doing something that will not ultimately be an authentic choice for me.  I hope you have a great day, and I wish you all the best.  
He replied that he understood, and wished me all the best too.
I felt better immediately.
I don’t regret anything that happened.  I’m deeply grateful to my friend for helping me through my momentary freakout and allowing me to learn from it – and to James, for being unfailingly respectful.  I’m glad to know now, for sure, that I couldn’t happily be in a polyamorous relationship.  I would feel jealous and insecure and unfulfilled, and there’s nothing wrong with that, just as there’s nothing wrong with someone else understanding that monogamy isn’t right for her.
If anything distresses me, it’s that despite all my posturing at consciousness-raising, I apparently still struggle to honor my own authentic sexuality.  Though I’m trying to cut myself some slack – part of the growth process, I think, is sometimes being uncomfortable and sitting with that.  At the end of the day, it’s all about gaining self-knowledge and acting on that.
And, to be fair, I really, really hate James’s football team.


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R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

What is respect? It’s pretty easy to just throw the word out there as in, I want some of that. But what exactly is it?
In my humble opinion…
  1. Respect is… acknowledgement and intrinsic understanding of worth (both yourself and the other person)
  2. Respect is… knowing that your relationship is a safe place to express and listen without getting cut down or belittled
  3. Respect is… honoring a given boundary
  4. Respect is… talking about someone just like you would talk to them
  5. Respect is… building each other up instead of tearing each other down
  6. Respect is… honoring the other person’s opinion as much as your own
  7. Respect is… being able to admit when you are wrong
  8. Respect is… sacrificing something you WANT for what the other person NEEDS
  9. Respect is… treating the other person’s friends and family with consideration
  10. Respect is… giving each other the space and support to follow dreams
  11. Respect is… hearing one another out without interrupting
  12. Respect is… taking someone’s feelings into consideration
  13. Respect is… agreeing to disagree
  14. Respect is… not raising your voice or being nasty during a disagreement
  15. Respect is… keeping an open mind
  16. Respect is… loving yourself
  17. Respect is… direct, open and honest communication
  18. Respect is… not pressuring the other person
  19. Respect is… friendship
  20. Respect is… trusting the other person’s decision making ability
Additions to the R.E.S.P.E.C.T. train?

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понедельник, 2 сентября 2019 г.

Commitment vs. Choice

Recently, a friend and I embarked on our annual discussion of how difficult committed dating and marriage is in today’s culture and how glad she was not to be “out there in that insanity.” Agreeing with the insanity we came to the why of it all. After circling around and around for a bit (I’m sure some of you can relate to the circular nature of certain conversations), I had a moment of clarity. We weren’t talking about the same thing. I was talking about choice and she was talking about commitment.


Now, I am all for commitment. But not just for the sake of being committed. Judging by my friend’s response, perhaps that concept is unique to our generation. (You see, my friend is in her 60′s and her generation came from the age of goodnight pecks at the front door and dance halls.) She kept bringing up staying in a marriage because you were committed. Period. And I kept going back to its not just the commitment but the desire to make that CHOICE to honor the commitment. 
It may seem like a hair splitter, but to me its two very different concepts. My friend is all about honoring her commitment and I am all about making the daily choice to honor that (for me — admittedly hypothetical) commitment. 
Frankly, what do I know? She’s talking from the experience of a life-long marriage and I am coming from the hypothetical. Not to mention that I think my road proves to be the more difficult of the two because it precludes the default mode that can come in oh so handy on the days when you wake up next to someone for whom you are decidedly NOT feeling the “I love you’s.” Those are the hard days when making that choice is vital.
When you look at the current divorce rate as well as the amount of people in their second half of life splitting from long marriages…I wonder if the commitment default mode is enough to keep a marriage together. I wonder if we don’t need to embrace the awareness that love is a choice. Commitment is a choice. Your actions are your choice.  
Perhaps the only thing that will keep commitment alive is marrying it to the choice to stay. Every day waking up and making that beautiful choice to love the other person despite and perhaps because of our mutual humanity.
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Are We Glorifying A Culture Of Mean?

A recent informal TV content poll (taken by yours truly) leads me to believe that… we seem to be celebrating a culture of mean.

A while ago, my poor little bod spent more time on the couch and therefore in front of the TV than usual and flipping thru the channels brought little of the distraction that I sought (I read thru all my books and couldn’t find any new ones). I kept flipping and flipping hoping to chance upon a show that would make me laugh sans the heavy cynical commentary on our world.
I found lots of info on the History Channel…unfortunately, I knew most of it and was entirely bored by the end of “Hitler Week” (I mean really…not geared for lighthearted laughter…but plenty of “real” mean)…and then Discovery showed me all kinds of shows projecting the end of the world (I believe the date is set somewhere 4 years hence…I’d better get to living!) or the volcanic destruction of New Zealand (better visit now while its still there!) or the end of the West Coast as we know it. Interesting but not designed for even the slightest of giggles. Unless you are hoping that “new coastal property” you bought in Arizona is going to eventually pay off. 
So, my surfing continued…I found some giggles in the sarcasm of the Simpsons, a few laughs from the sitcoms but what really arrested my attention were the reality TV shows…this is where I come to the pointed edge of my blog pencil… when did we become so fascinated with mean?
I see real lifers screwing each other figuratively and not so figuratively and saying that if the other person has a problem with it too bad. Batchelorettes sparring over some guy who kisses every pair of lips he sees as each girl tries to out do the other and stab that mean knife in every chance they get. I see Trump sternly informing people that they are “FIRED” for a mistake or even just a simple…people seem to dislike you so you must be difficult…you’re fired! Simon being booed and celebrated in the same breath for just being plain ole nasty. Tyra informing wanna be models that there are no excuses…even with a fever and nasty illnesses the girls must still “bring it” and look perfect b/c there are no excuses for being human in the fashion world. To get over it when someone picks on you and get used to the backstabbing b/c that’s how the “real world” works.
Really?
Why are we so OK with that being the way the “real world works?” Its only the way the world works if you are making the decision to add to that working. Yes, there are people out there who are just plain ole mean, unfair and unethical…but does that mean we have to celebrate them and their endeavors on TV? Does that mean we have to be like them in order to succeed in life, work and relationships?
I used to work in the entertainment industry, I do know TRULY mean people…But I also witnessed the shining stars. I’ve had the boss who knew how to calmly handle disaster without throwing heavy objects or swearing at the top of his lungs or lambasting his unfortunately involved co-worker, the friend who supported me when I needed help, the colleague who referred an amazing job opportunity, the celebrity who didn’t take himself oh so seriously and seemed to naturally want to serve the people around him.
Why aren’t we celebrating the shining stars? Is “drama,” disaster and backstabbing really all that wonderful to mentally and visually feast on? What happens to the little shows that try to swim upstream? What would happen if our culture started to celebrate the Golden Rule…or at least didn’t equate success and “reality” with backstabbing, nasty words and general MEANness?
Perhaps its just my impression that our culture is starting to celebrate the mean along with TV…is art imitating reality or reality imitating art? What do you think?
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