Fighting Foul And Fighting To Win

I don't fight often, it is a fool's game, but I also don't fight fair. Never have, since my first fight way back in Kindergarten. I don't believe in it. The few, very vague flickers of sportsman like behavior I felt got snuffed out in boot, active service and aid work, where "do unto them before they do unto you" is the whole of the law. 

Now, two evenings a week, I teach self-defense classes to predominantly young women, and twice a month to abused women at the local shelter. That gets painful even with the padding. Some of those ladies have a lot of pain to work through, and I get the benefit of their rage.

Not formal martial arts, more street with several dashes of pure violence, nastiness and common sense. So, figured, why not expand my comment on the question and share some tips with you readers this week.

I am gonna be terribly sexist here, and assume your assailant is much stronger than you. If you are stronger, just punch him out and be done with it.

Stay Awake

It isn't fair, but a lot of muggings, assaults and violence can be prevented by simply paying attention to your surroundings. Situational awareness, they call it. Automatically making risk assessments every waking minute of your day. Even simple things, like knowing who is around you, an alternative route and walking past an alley after dark on the curb of the sidewalk rather than in the middle of the sidewalk can give you an extra second to react. 

One of the commoncomplaints about this idea is that you are somehow being asked to "live in fear." To which I say, spherical objects. You are being asked to actually pay attention, roughly the same amount of attention you pay to the road while driving in moderate traffic. That is it.

Being Held is Being Dead

You know how to kill a shark? Stop it moving. It dies. If that applies to the best designed predator on the planet, it certainly applies to you. 

If you can't move, you can't fight. Simple. Someone tries to grab you or hit you, a good 99% of you will flinch back and throw your hands up in front of your face. Well done, you just offered a perfect hold on your wrists, instantly reducing two of your most effective weapons to complete uselessness. Keep one hand free no matter what. If it means taking a hit in the face, so be it.

Volume is Your Friend

You ever watched a bad martial arts movie? Is there any other kind of martial arts movie? One of the things they get right is to scream like an air raid siren who's virtue has been questioned. You should be audible 6 blocks away. It has two advantages. It may, if you are really lucky, call for help, or at least witnesses. It also dumps a gigantic amount of adrenaline into your system, getting you ready and giving you an extra power boost.

Anything is a Weapon

I am not talking concealed carry here. Most people who carry, according to both my cop friends and observation, don't know how to use and can't use if they need to. There is a huge difference between popping a few rounds off at the range and popping a few rounds into someone's body. They just feel invincible, until they get disarmed and shot by their own weapon.

Mace or pepper spray is good, but has to be readily accessible. Someone attacking you is not going to wait patiently while you dig through your purse looking for it.

Martial Arts are great, but you are not in a clean, well lit room with someone who obeys the rules, uses your style and respects the strict timing for bouts.

So lets look at basic force multipliers.

You carry a purse? Satisfy my curiosity, go and weigh it. If it comes in at under 5 pounds I will be shocked. Getting hit in the face with a fear swung 5 lb purse is roughly equivalent to being punched by a middleweight boxer. 

You wearing thin heels? You know you got a pair of bayonets attached to the strongest muscles in your body, right? 

Wearing a coat? Slip it off and hit him in the face with it. If he is grabbing a double handful of coat, he isn't grabbing you. Keep backing away while swinging so he can't use it to pull you to him.

Look around you - you see anything at all you can hit him with? Use it.

The Weak Points

So he's grabbed you anyway. What to do?

We are all the same. Same strengths and same weaknesses too. 

You need to look at five places. Nose, lower lip, crotch, shins and feet. That is where the big pain is. Don't even think about trying for his eyes - it won't work, it'll just get you backhanded into semi conciousness. Ditto with hands. You can put someone in total, paralysing agony by twisting or bending their fingers - if you happen to be stronger than them. So don't try, all you are doing is offering your hands to him.

Nose and lower lip - Grab it, hit it, ram your fingers up the nostrils, twist it. If your hands are held, bite them hard. No guy can keep hold of you if you are hanging from his lip like a bulldog. 

Crotch - fairly obvious and instantly devastating, but for Pete's sake, use your knee, not your foot. Hit a guy hard in the jewels and he will clamp his legs together and fall over hard enough to break your ankle, or at the very least trap you until he recovers. Shins - Turn your foot sideways and rake your instep down his shin. It doesn't sound like much, does it? It hurts and puts him off balance. This one works no matter how you are being held.

Feet - finish your rake on his shins with a damn good stamp on his foot. Bonus points if you are wearing heels here. He'll not be able to chase you well after that. Which leads us to:

Running is not Cowardly

This is something that most women understand, but that has to be beaten (word intentional) into the guys in class. The entire aim of the above is to get you enough space to run and hopefully damaging him enough that he cannot run after you. We are not interested in giving the guy the beating of his life, we want you to get away. You aren't a cop or Paul Kersey, you are a normal person. The instant you get the chance, run like hell. That is your sole aim. 

You. Will. Run.

Sometimes You Lose

You can have more than two assailants at once, though not often outside the cities. If you can drop one of them fast enough, you have the chance to walk away in the confusion - don't run. Normally they are after your money, just throw your purse or wallet at them and run. Cards and cash are replacable. So are skin and bone, but that takes longer.
And sometimes you will lose. You ain't Frank Castle either, and you definitely can't get away with bringing a knife to a gun fight. The standard advice for anyone, male or female, confronted with a gun is to give them what they want. Keep watching for a chance to escape, and spend the time memorising everything about them. The more detail you remember, the more chance the guy will get caught.

So there you are. Some of these points are from my general SD class, the more violent bits from the SD class for victims of domestic assault and violence. They do not make you invulnerable. They do not turn you into a super hero, out to dispense justice. They need a cool head and a little practice to apply properly. If you wanna walk in downtown Detroit at 2 AM after reading this, you will have serious problems of your own devising.

"But how does this post fit with the Empowerment theme?" I hear you ask. Empowered people are not victims. They take responsibility for themselves, including their own safety and security. 
I'd encourage every last one of you to learn a Martial Art anyway, it is both useful and a much more fun way of keeping fit than going to the gym. It also gets you used to hitting people - something many find surprisingly hard to do. Most places offer self defense classes - look em up online or ask at your local police station (they have as much interest in you not becoming a statistic as you have) and take one or two.

And remember:
If you do have to fight, don't half ass it. The fight isn't over until your opponent is on the ground and in too much pain to chase you as you run. There is no such thing as compassion if someone attacks you.

Dating and Relationships: It's a Growing Process

Last week I had an interesting conversation with a friend. We discussed the nature and status of our relationships (at the time) and discussed how we’ve grown in our relationship experiences. The conversation made me reflect the entire nature of dating, being in a relationship, and enjoying your time with another person. Very rarely does the first person we date, the first person we have sex with, or our first real love turn out to be the person we end up marrying. Everyone is often in different points of our lives, and mistakes are made: choosing the wrong person, having months of one-night stands, cheating, or not recognizing what we truly want. It’s thru these mistakes we grow, become “better” daters, getting stuck when we repeat the same mistakes.

We often forget that dating andrelationships, isn’t just about finding the right person, but also about growing up.

The way I look at women in my early twenties, is much different from the way I look at them now, several months away from thirty. In the past, I’ve chased after the hottest women, the one with the biggest breasts, the best shape, or the perfect legs. At that time, I wasn’t chasing the woman, I was chasing sex. In chasing sex, I’ve found myself on very bad dates and in very bad positions. Instead of finding women who were right for me, I was finding women who were right for a situation. The women I found and then women I wanted, were two completely different people. In many ways, I had to go thru these learning experience to evaluate what I wanted, and what I was finding.

Here’s a perfect example, if you’re single and you’re going to Vegas, you’re not going to find love. The person you meet in Vegas doesn’t get to come home with you. If you’re going to Vegas to find the one, not only are you delusional, but your priorities may be out of whack. Maybe you should begin looking for someone a bit closer to home (or say work.) What I’m trying to suggest is, at different times in our lives, we seek different things. Sometimes we seek love, other times, lust. When seeking love, you can’t act as if you’re seeking lust; when you do you learn a very powerful lesson, things don’t compute.

One of my dear friends recently told me, “Go forth and fuck!” Her point was more than just romping around New York City with anyone who could move. What she was telling me was to experiment, and not to be afraid of going thru this learning and growing process. That’s what the entire process is about, it’s a growing process.

Dating Is Hot and Cold

No one ever says, dating very mercurial, especially in New York City. It’s always assumed. There are moments when dates appear out of the woodwork, other moments when buying a date from the most desperate people seems impossible. This causes much frustration. I’ve always assumed dating would be a consistent flow of dates on a weekly basis, but that’s never the case, especially with online dating.

It’s not easy to deal with the droughts, but they serve as powerful lessons and tests your resolve. Finding a date takes time and plenty of falling before finding consistent success. There are several techniques to help leverage the process, but it doesn’t prevent you from having a streak of bad luck. When I became frustrated with dating, I decided to make a few adjustments. I began changing the preferences of the women I sought, began going to different bars and events, I even tried to use social media. Thru a combination of these techniques, I would always find myself on a new dating adventure, trying something completely out of my element. I usually had fun and experiences new and interesting dating adventures.

When you enter a hot spell, remember to maintain your balance. Don’t overbook dates and be sure you’re dating women with whom you have an interest. There’s a point where dating fatigue may occur; you risk going on so many dates it may burn you out or you may confuse your dates. Just because a million women want to date you, doesn’t mean you have to go on a million dates. Dating is meant to be an intimate process, not a rush.
To prevent feeding on the extreme’s, try finding a balance between the two. This requires wrapping your dating life around a schedule. Find a consistent day or time to call potential new dates, choose several dating profiles a week to send messages, visit your favorite stomping grounds, along with new venues. By keeping this balance, you’ll never live in the extremes for too long.