Don’t Overdo It

While I’m fighting the sharp tingle of a hangover that pierces the back of my head, I’m reminded by a rule I’ve often broken at the Florida club, overdoing it. There’s nothing wrong with going out and getting drunk, but there’s a limit, one many of us have passed in our adventures drinking. I’ve found ways to leave my limits waving to me on the horizon of “this is going to hurt in the morning” road many times. Getting buzzed or a bit drunk is okay, but no one loves a sloppy drunk. I’ve found that many sloppy drunk women are hit on my really creepy men, mainly because they are seen as vulnerable and an easy lay. I’ve also found many sloppy drunk men tend to me more aggressive and dickish, often finding themselves fights or passed out. Yep, this is the cats meow!

There’s nothing wrong with partying, but going to far overboard, while trying to meet someone will cause trouble.

Some of my most interesting nights begin with “at the time I already had 4 beers inside of me.” Those tend to be famous last words as my nights turn into a vibrant haze of crazy drunken foolery, and excitable events. However, I’ve found myself making a fool of myself for pushing my limits. I haven’t done anything I regret because of drinking (well, there was that one time that I gave a chick a lap dance in a chair…), but I don’t ever remember being really proud of my sexual adventures at clubs after being silly drunk.
I also don’t remember going home with someone I respected, wanted, or even cared about while being silly drunk. Most times I’ve gone home alone.

The same goes for my friends, some of them have passed out, other’s don’t remember much of the night, some have had arguments with interested parties. Between helping them find cabs, train stations, or garbage cans, I’m sure the impression they’ve left on others were memorable. I often doubt it. A sloppy, silly drunk isn’t an attractive trait, most men are turned off by it, and most women find it rude. Often, everyone regrets the morning afterwards.

I’m not suggesting people shouldn’t drink or get drunk at the club. I would be a hypocrite. I’m suggesting it isn’t the best mode to operate while attempting to find someone at a club. You’re not going to find the right person while you’re slurring. Mr. or Mrs. Right isn’t going to wait for you. You’re only going to mess up your wardrobe.

Ignoring The Rules

I’ve previously mentioned the rules to dating are meant to bebent. When you meet a person you form a real connection with, often the rules aren’t bent, but broken regardless of the consequences. It’s never a one sided situation, either both people are breaking and bending the rules, or everything is following in their structured manner. I introduced Rule Breaker when I discussed the benefits of being persistent, but that’s not how she earned that nickname, our first date sealed the deal.

“Breaking the rules” means so many different things. First it’s the stereotypical male/female roles that we’re supposed to play while dating. While, in this situation, most of these were rules were maintained, she did break some of them. For instance, she was the one who asked for my number, how many women do this? The second type of rules that were broken are the things you’re supposed to do while dating someone, things to say, not to say, topics that should be addressed on the first date, etc. It was her upfront, honest personality that made me comfortable, as I’m an honest, upfront person. This set of rule breaks I had learned from talking to her on the phone.

Like everything with her, the date did start awkwardly. I arrived early at the negotiated date location, Madame X. I’ve always wanted to use this bar as a date location, just to see how it would work. She was also in the area, so the opportunity had finally arrived. I came to the date with a limited amount of knowledge about her physical appearance. She only had head shots in her profile, and I was in a poorly lit area. It was going to be hard to figure out who’s who. I stood near the entrance and waited, until someone who seemed like it was her was going to walk into the bar or was waiting for someone. A woman did slow down and began to look around. I called my dates name out to that woman, figuring it was her.

I was wrong. “No, I’m her!” A voice I had recognized from my phone conversations said behind me. Obviously it was my date, and the beginning of another awkward, but humorous line of events to follow. Throughout the date, I could not stop laughing and smiling, so much that my checks hurt. It wasn’t any one thing in particular, just the way we talked and meshed seemed to work very well with one another. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed that hard on a date. Ever.

Rule Breaker is an attractive woman, who laid it all out there. I didn’t feel as if I was navigating thru that mental minefield women often put guys thru. She has very varied tastes, like myself, fun, eccentric, speaks off the cuff, and most importantly honest. What surprised me was how attracted I were to those qualities she had. I found her type of honesty sexy, the fact she spoke her mind and didn’t hind behind an excuse. If we disagreed she would give me shit for it, but playfully, and it made me laugh. Another attractive trait she had was her ability to relate to what I was saying, without understanding exactly what I meant. I’m a geek, and made a few geek jokes – one was calculating the differences in ages between me and my siblings. It took me a moment to remember the age differences because at any given time there’s an additional year difference. I joked it was like computer code, and made a code joke (“if before the month of April but not after the month of June relative to the suns positions based on the hypotenuse of y then minus….”) She’s not a coder at all, but understood he joke, and participated! She later said, “I don’t get it, but I get it!” The same thing occurred with a sports references I made. While I’m very attracted to women who love sports, she’s not a sports fan, but makes sincere and honest attempts to get the reference. That blew me away.
As I got to know her better throughout the evening, I realized that Rule Breaker was the type of woman I’ve sought for, but have passed up in the past. Not because I wasn’t attracted to them, but because I felt so comfortable with them they would become dear friends of mine. She reminded me of a few friends, all whom I wanted to hook up with, and I realized I wasn’t going to make the same mistake with her that I have with other women. I wanted to see her naked at some point, and had to be sure I made that fact known. As that thought went through my head, I was reminded of something Thomas and Laurie taught me, introducing some sexual tension.

To introduce some form of sexual tension with a woman, you must do it with touch. This should be subtle, say by touching her leg or arm. Not a poke, but more like laying your hand on her leg while making a point. I did this repetitively throughout the evening, all naturally and not frequent enough that it got annoying. She responded a few times with her own touches on my leg or hands, which made it feel as if I was on the right track. It was clear that the signals were sent, we both like each other!

After a great date, two drinks, it was time to go home. I walked with her to a train where we separated and went our separate ways. She went uptown, I went downtown. We hugged and parted, and tentatively set up a date for the next week. Moments later I was kicking myself a bit, I wanted to kiss her. I was going to have to make sure that happened on the second date, which meant calling her soon.

Improv Dating Tips

Dating, for men who are not handsome or rich, is the process by which a man slowly tricks a woman into sleeping with him. Blame evolutionary biology. Rich men who can provide lives of safety and comfort. Every molecule in a woman’s body has evolved to resist the poor, average-looking guy. As a result, the average guy must resort to trickery so that he can remain in a woman’s life long enough to prove that he has value. (The average guy often proves to have more value because a man who has been rejected repeatedly is more grounded than someone who seldom hears the word no. At least, this is what I learned from every 1980s movie that resolved its central conflict with a ski race or a regatta.)

There are many tricks a man can use to gain a woman’s interest and some of the best come from the world of improv. I know from experience. I have performed improvisational comedy since 2006, having studied at the Upright Citizens Brigade in Los Angeles. Last year I noticed I was, unconsciously at first, employing many of the lessons learned from improv while on dates. I should not have been surprised. A good improv scene contains many of the same virtues as a good date – agreement, spontaneity and fun.

1. Yes-and

This is the first rule of improv. (OK, there are no rules of improv – they can all be broken – but there are choices that produce, in basketball terms, high-percentage shots. Consider each rule a high-percentage shot.) Yes-and means that you take whatever the other person says, agree with it, and add a piece of information. It is a great way to keep scenes and conversations moving, and it inevitably leads somewhere unexpected. That does not mean you should agree with everything your date says. Just remember that if you disagree, you are going to have to reset the conversation and bring it somewhere fun again. That takes effort. You can do it, but wouldn’t it have been easier to keep the original conversation ball rolling?

           

2. Remember the and

The and is the important part of yes-and. It is your imprint on the conversation. If you just keep saying yes, you’re going to bore her. If you add interesting ands, she will see that you have your own point of view, and since you just agreed with her, your point of view in some way corresponds with hers. The conversation flatters her. (I know Mystery Method says you should tease or “neg” women. There is a time for that. But you need to back off when you are building trust. The hard part — meeting her — is over.) The great thing about and is that you can use it to make yourself look strong, smart or altruistic. Remember, you are trying to trick her into thinking you have value until she realizes that you do, like when Beth finally chooses Lane at the end of “Better off Dead.”

                       

3. Avoid questions

It’s a date. You have to ask questions, right? Sure. But not too many. Every time you ask a question you create a personal void in the conversation. A man who asks too many questions does not create a solid impression of himself. His date does not know what he is about. If he cannot communicate on the first date – when people are eager to please – what will he be like on date 15? Ask only the most essential questions. Otherwise, offer information about yourself and leave opportunities for her to do the same. Think of it this way. A woman who answers repeated questions is doing all of the heavy lifting, just like an improv actor in a scene is doing all of the thinking. Do you think that is fun for her? Or do you think she would have more fun laughing at your stories?

4. Focus on the moment

In improv, it is a poor choice to talk about characters who are not onstage. The higher-percentage shot is to explore your relationship with your scene partner. It yields more gratifying results. The same holds true on a date. Rather than talking about other dates you have been on, or other women whom you have dated, or people whom she has not met, focus on what makes the date that you are on unique. Because it’s a date, something weird is bound to happen. In improv we call that weird thing “the game of the scene.” On a date, that weird thing becomes your first inside joke. It’s your go-to when the conversation drags and possibly the joke yourbest man will tell at the reception if you get married. You will recognize the game of your date if you are focused on the present moment.

5. Be specific

The biggest laughs in improv stories often come from the details. The first scene partner says, “Hi, officer, was I speeding?” The second scene partner says, “Yeah, you were doing 85.” The first scene partner says, “I had no idea I was going that fast.” Then the second scene partner says, “That’s because you’re driving a horse and buggy.” The punch line is in the detail – the horse and buggy. (I know that example is not funny. There are few things less hilarious than describing an improv scene. My apologies.) My point is, provide details. It is how she will remember you, especially when she talks to her girlfriends. And yes, you want her talking about you to her girlfriends. It means she is thinking about you. So give her details. They’re hilarious and endearing. Handsome, rich regatta-losers, like Teddy from “One Crazy Summer,” are neither.