четверг, 25 июня 2020 г.

Did She Scare Him Off?


Well, a reader named Ellen has kept herself off the market for a while. She finally broke down and went out with a guy, and he pulled a Fade on her. She’s wondering what she did wrong, if she scared him off.
I’m guessing she’s not quite as scary as she thinks she is, but let’s find out for sure.
hi…got a question for you…
I really don’t understand this..but maybe you can help since you`re a man.. I`m from Norway..:)
Ok, I am right now warming up my “man-to-Norwegian-woman” vocabulary. Gentlemen, start your umlauts…
Ì`m a single 33 year old mum, single in my 3rd year.. kept myself from men,since it doesnt seem like I`m so lucky with them..
Is it that way, or is it the other way around — you’re not so lucky with them because you keep yourself from them? Did I just blow your Scandinavian mind, Ellen? It’s ok, it happens.
I met a guy,that I knew who was,but didn’t really know..(on Facebook) but I live in a town where everybody knows everybody,so I knew who he is… I thought he looked like a nice guy,not the guys I usually met before I become mum..
It all sounds good, except that Ted Bundy looked like a nice guy as well. You can’t always judge a book by its nice cover. (Well, except for MY book, which you should all judge to be lovely by its nice cover. And then you should be purchasing it, like instantly if you ever hope to be happy with your existences. I mean it — it’s just that important. )
we chatted a little bit,then calls…he was really sweet and I was glad to met someone like him.. he is also a single dad,so had much in common.. We had good chemistry from the first meeting,which was in my place..( Never been a guy there,other the kids father) We talked and had a real good time..this happened for a week..But he didnt send me any texts the days we were apart,and I got little bit insecure,but he called me and said that it didnt mean that he didnt like me… so on sunday he came on a little hi-how are you-trip over to me,and kissed me and said he saw me tomorrow… I thought I should have sent him a good-night text,but didnt,since was coming next day.. I texted him the day after..and no answer,then I called..but he didnt pick up…
Hrm. Strange. If I understand this correctly, he did come over, but then AFTER that, he didn’t respond or pick up. Mm. Not a great sign, that. Let’s see what happened next.
I did the same thing today,and said in the text,that I deserved a little explanation..but nothing…what happened? Did I scare him off..?
Nah, that doesn’t really happen, Ellen. I’ll explain more in a sec.
I`m so sad,cause he is the first guy I liked in many years,and he made me think the feeling was mutal..we didnt have sex,but talked about it..He had also been single for 3 year,and was looking for something lasting.. but he also told me he had been a real player when he was younger.. and had been hurt by the ex,who he has kids with..
Right. Not always a great sign when the guy is listing for you all the reasons why he might not be such a great relationship-er.
he was so kind and good to me..told me,if it would come down to it,that he couldnn’t commit in a realationship, he`ll tell me so,and we would be friends..
Ah yes. The “can’t commit” excuse. That one…we sometimes say that one because we know you’ve read that we feel like that sometimes. As in, “It’s not YOU, it’s the whole COMMITMENT thing that’s the problem.” It’s a way to bail out without being the Bad Guy.
Is this the case,when you want to dump someone,but dont have the guts to do it face-face?
This might very well be that very case, yes.
or at least on a text on the phone? can someone be that cold? Didnt he want me,since I didnt seal the deal right a way?
Nah, I sincerely doubt that. You both talked about the sex as a possibility. No, I don’t think this is it.
Or didnt he want the same thing?
I think this is more likely the case. The two of you weren’t on the same wavelength, from what I’m reading. Doesn’t sound like there was an “event” that stopped this thing. He just wasn’t feeling it.
did he get scared since I`m serious,and sensitive when it comes to realationships,that maybe I was a little too keen?
I really don’t think so. Maybe he was sensing that you were into him, and he didn’t want to get in any deeper knowing that. But that doesn’t mean that there was something you could have done differently, or that you did something wrong.
a lot of questions runs through my mind now,cause I just dont understand…
Ellen…
Dear Ellen,
Well…you got dumped. That’s why this one really sucks. This isn’t great, no matter what. But here are a couple of things I see:
  • YOU DIDN’T BLOW IT: I’m not seeing anything in his behavior that says that some THING happened. Unless you left out the part where he stopped calling you right after you showed him your collection of severed heads, you did fine. (And if you did that, kudos for being so trusting, but ah…maybe take up a different hobby.)
  • THIS IS HOW IT GOES: Since you’ve kept yourself off the market for the most part, you may not know this, but this is how things go out there. You go out a few times because…why? Well, for the purpose of seeing if you’re feeling it, right? First couple of dates, you just might not know. That’s what they’re for.
  • DON’T GO NUTS: The last thing you want to do is to go down the rabbit hole of “What could I have done differently?” Don’t go down that rabbit hole. And don’t go down any real rabbit holes, either. There’s nothing interesting down there but rabbit poo and used fur. The only thing you could have done differently was go out with a different guy. If you think you can “scare a guy off,” I promise, you don’t have the kind of power you think you do.
  • DON’T LET THIS STOP YOU: Here’s the biggie. Keep getting out there, Ellen. And because you now know that this is just how it goes, maybe just alter your approach a little. Look at the first couple of dates as GATHERING INFO. You’re going in there not to get this man. You’re dating to find out WHAT you feel about this man. And to get a sense of what he feels about you. And if somebody backs off, you or him, well, that’s the information you learned.
Good luck, Ellen. I’m sorry it happened this way, but just remember — the vast majority of dates do not lead to relationships. So the more pressure you can take OFF of the date to be that One, the more fun you can have, and the better off you’ll be.
What say you, ladies? What happened here? Sound familiar at all? Hello?
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среда, 24 июня 2020 г.

Confused, Afraid of Commitment, or the Wrong Guy?


A reader named Rebecca just can’t quite figure it. She moved in with this guy, but he won’t commit to being her boyfriend. That’s right. They LIVE together, but he won’t call her his GF.  Oh, and she’s dated other men. Fine by him.
Just what in the holy mother eff is going on here? Well, let’s get acquainted with this situation. At that point, Manslations are go.
Hi Jeff,
I just recently came across your site, and thought this might be worth sending your way because I’m at my wits end. I started seeing this guy in February of 2007. I fell for him quickly. However, it seemed as if he wasn’t into making a commitment to me.
I’d never been on this end of the rope before, and even though the smart thing would have been to dump him, we continued to see each other. However, neither of us admitted it was a relationship. (We’re both in our mid to late 20’s, by the way.)
Yeah, not a great end of that rope, is it? When someone’s not into you, that end of the rope usually involves rope burn as you try to keep them from trotting off. Works like that with horses, I bet, too.
Both of our leases were up in August of that year, and we both wanted a nicer place- I suggested moving in together. After all, we were such good “friends”! (Yes, I’m throughly aware of how dumb of a suggestion this was.) He agreed, and we set up ground rules regarding sex that neither of us followed. We moved in together and became extremely domesticated.
Yes, as you seem to suggest, necessity of getting a nicer place is not recommended behavior, if you’re not sure if your partner is committed to you.
I’ve known folks who did that, and usually the one who was into the thing LESS didn’t end up any more committed than they were before. And the person who was into it MORE, well, they feel even lonelier.
Throughout this time we were technically “single.” He was the one that wanted it this way. I dated other people, never on a serious basis, and he dated no one else. I frequently got frustrated that he acted like my boyfriend but wouldn’t commit to being one, even though he claims he just acted like my good friend. I’ve been in “friends with benefits” situations before, and this clearly was not the case here.
Why do you say that it “clearly” wasn’t the case? As in, is it because it “felt” different to you? If that was the case for you, well, that’s not necessarily the case for him, right?
In November of 2007, we had yet another conversation about what the hell the deal was and he finally agreed that he was my boyfriend. (So romantic, right?) But the relationship from there was pretty great.
Well, after you dragged that admission out of him, how could it be less than pretty great?
In May of this year, we started talking about our living situation (whether to renew the lease, etc.) We had both talked about how we were interested in buying places rather than renting again. He suggested buying a place together, so I began to look into that and started the process.
Interesting step for him, actually. I mean, buying a place is something of a commitment, no? Hm. I wonder if he and his non-committal ass have thought this through?
He started getting distant sometime in July, when he began to throw himself into a new project at work.
And there he goes, thinking it through.
He was stressed all of the time. We argued a little more, but it hadn’t been going on for very long when all of sudden we had a conversation about our relationship and he decided he wanted to live on his own since he never had before, and break up. To me, it felt like he was displacing the stress of work onto our relationship.
Well, either that, or maybe you have it backwards, you know?
Skip ahead to September, and he moved out. It’s been a few months of hell since then, and it’s sort of a pseudo break-up. We’re back to square one- in a relationship but not defining it that way. I’m dating others, but he’s not. He claims he’s not bothered by this, but I don’t see how that’s possible. It throws
me through a loop because I believe the title of boyfriend/girlfriend, in this case, is important, as it’s indicative of what his intentions are.
Not to put too fine a point on this, but ah, another thing that is indicative of what his intentions are is, er…moving out.
I really love the guy and I know he loves me. He became a workaholic, though I believe he’s trying to rectify that. His stance now is that he wants to concentrate on his work and on himself, and doesn’t have enough to give to be a good boyfriend.
Mmmkay. Whenever a guy tells you he’s not able to be a “good boyfriend,” well, take that to the bank, Rebecca.
There is definitely progress being made, but it’s slow. He’s always moved quite slowly in this relationship, but, aside from the huge step backwards of breaking up, there always seems to be progress.
But that’s a pretty big step backwards, though, you have to admit.
After over 1 1/2 years of this, I’ve examined it into the ground, and my take is that he’s quite bottled up in all aspects of his life, so it’s hard to get straight answers out of him. He says one thing and does another.
Hm. Says one thing, does another. Hm. Seems like I’ve talked about that before on here someplace. Hm. Oh, this is going to drive me nuts…Oh yeah, that’s right — ignore what he SAYS.
His actions, most of the time, are very boyfriend-like. However, he won’t commit to being my boyfriend, even though that’s what I want. My question is, do you think he’s confused by all the stress in his life and should I wait around for him to sort his stuff out, or am I missing a bigger picture and does he really just not want to be in a relationship with me?
Thanks for your input!
Rebecca
Dear Rebecca,
Well, I regret to inform you that this guy seems to be trying to be at least somewhat clear with you. You refer to his actions being boyfriend-like. But from what I’m hearing, his actions are:
  • Moving in, but not minding when you saw other people. While he was living there.
  • Finally, reluctantly, admitting that you were a couple.
  • Suggesting buying a place together, but then becoming immersed in work to the point where he became distant.
  • Breaking it off, moving out.
Now, I know I’m leaving out some of the times when he was all nice and boyfriendy. Of course I am. If those things were all that he did, well, you wouldn’t have needed ME to tell you what was going on. You’d just move on, right?
WHAT’S A BOYFRIEND LIKE?
Listen, I’m not sure what you see as “boyfriend” behavior, but let me ask you this. Looking at that list above, do you want your man, your boyfriend, your live-in person to be someone who has those things on his resume with you?
And I’m not talking about, like, a long time ago. His most current action was to move out. That’s not a good sign, Rebecca.
SO, WHAT TO DO?
Well, there’s plenty of reason for pessimism, but I can’t speak 100% definitively since you know more of the situation than I do. So here’s what I’d suggest, if you really want to give this thing a shot. And let me just tell you, I’m not wild about even giving him THIS chance, given how he’s been treating this relationship:
One last talk. One question. I’d recommend saying to him, “Listen, I don’t like chasing you. But I’m stuck on the idea that this is possible. And I need your help. If you really want to let me go, please tell me that, right now. I know it will hurt, but not as bad as chasing you with no chance of succeeding. If you are letting me go, please tell me in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that you are.”
Now, I know I seem to be suggesting that you dare him to dump you once and for all.
I am.
The reason is that either he will or he won’t. It’s this middle ground that you seem to be in that’s the problem. I’d suggest that you need to hear him being very, very clear with you.
And then? Take him at his word. If he wants you to let him go, LET HIM. It’s all there is to do.  You do NOT want to be one of those women who argues with a man who tells her he’s not a good boyfriend. In that situation, HE’S CORRECT.
What do you see here, ladies? Afraid of commitment? Trying to break up?
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пятница, 19 июня 2020 г.

Is He Allergic to The Talk?


A reader named Emm is feeling burned. Or burnt. Whichever it is, she’s pretty pissed. Seemed like all was well, but whenever she wanted to have The Talk about The Relationship…he flaked a little. He pulled back quite a bit. And now? Well, now she’s pretty mad. She can’t quite put it together. How could he have BEEN so dishonest!?
Or WAS he dishonest? I’m not so sure. Let’s find out what this is all about.
I dated a guy for 5 months, (this was a bigger deal for me as I hadnt dated in some time) and wanted to have a healthy relationship. At first, I played non-chalant, I wanted to make sure he was a good man and he did make himself seem like an awesome guy. I eventually fell for him  after the first month. He told me “I dont do short term relationships.” and gushed about him to my friends. He showed me wear he works, called me regularly, watched movies together, held hands in public, hed always pick me up, we laughed about everything, he waited for me to be “ready”, I never gave him a date LOL.
Never gave him a date? Do you mean…you never gave him a date when you were going to be “ready”? If so, I think that’s wise. I don’t know, for me, I think there’s something weird in saying, “Listen, pal, I’m not sure about you. No sex until February 7th. After that, you get on in there, guns blazing.” Seems almost silly…
ANYHOO!!! At around 4 months I started feeling nervous, I wanted to move forward in our relationship and communicated this. He said “yeah i think thats a good idea.” we talked about this ONLY when i brought it up, we werent EMOTIONALLY moving any closer…
Honestly, I’m already lost. I mean, I’ve heard this kind of thing before, of course. But I have literally no idea what it means. What exactly would it look like if a relationship were to be moved closer, emotionally? I’m being totally serious. I have no idea what this means, other than in some vague, non-specific way. My guess? Neither did he.
I said “I’d like to know what you think, so I understand where you’re coming from”. “everything is good.”
Heh. Yeah, that would be your standard male response. When you say, “What do you think about how things are with us?” What he hears is, “Any major specific complaints, or problems to report, or trouble you’d like to resolve?” Most men aren’t very fantastic in this conversation because, as I said above, in many ways we literally have no idea what you’re talking about.
From months 3-4 he became increasingly “tired” and “sick”…and I started asking questions. I said “I dont feel like our lives are coming together in any way and you’re not talking to me, I need you to tell me what’s going on, Can you please think about this and get back to me?” He got back to me allright, a week later….saying he had been emotionally detaching himself for a while and that hes so confused and he needs to get his stuff sorted out, he wants to move cities maybe in the new year….blah blah blah, before he could finish, I put on my jacket, and got up and left. I couldn’t handle any more excuses. He didn’t have one straight answer….after 2 weeks of grieving, I decided to check out the old dating site we had met on. He’s back on.
Ok, there we go. Sounds like with this guy, that’s as clear an answer as you’re going to get. Remember the manslator’s golden rule — between what he SAYS and what he DOES, pay attention to DOES. And you did. He didn’t have a straight answer for you. He really didn’t have an answer. Just that hummina-hummina-hummina thing we do. His actions? Pulling back. You felt it, you broke it off. Done deal.
I’m still hurt over all of this. The man I believed to be decent had no shred of decency and I’ve been doing all the right healthy things to move on, but my anger’s still consuming me. Why would someone lead me on and lie to my face about being with me (it didnt feel like it was for the sex) for months and be in this fake relationship and not expect to contribute ANYTHING emotionally? He would always call me whenever I had a problem or  whatever, so long as we didn’t focus on “us” I guess….
Can ya help me? It’s been a month and I feel so angry and hurt still.
Dear Emm,
Well, I think I can help you understand what was going on, though I don’t know if it will make you any less angry. Here’s the deal:
MEN AND “THE TALK.”
As I’ve said on here many times, men aren’t great at The Talk. And when you start talking about where the relationship is “headed,” well, we barely know what you’re talking about. You can get mad about it. You can wonder why men can’t be more like you. You can do anything you want. But the one thing you’re not going to do is change the fact that The Talk is way harder for him than it is for you.
Now, does that mean that no guy will ever have The Talk with you? Not at all. But it MIGHT mean that he doesn’t understand what he’s supposed to be having The Talk about.
THINGS MEN OFTEN DON’T UNDERSTAND
(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: Don’t worry, this is an abridged version. To write the whole list of things men don’t understand would crash the internets.)
You talked about:
  • move forward in our relationship- You think I must know what this means, but I swear, I really don’t. What does it mean? Flossing more? Better posture? Formal dinners on Sundays? Marriage? 10 minutes of additional spooning per month? I’m literally asking — how would you “do” this? Isn’t this one of those things that either is happening or it isn’t?
  • we werent EMOTIONALLY moving any closer-Again, I’m not sure how you would “accomplish” this without it just sort of happening as a natural result of…you know…actually moving closer emotionally. Put another way, if this weren’t happening…what could either of you do about it?
  • I dont feel like our lives are coming together in any way-Is this something specific? What does it mean? Again — moving in together? Marriage? Meeting the parents? Just something between the two of you? What IS this?
Now, I could guess what you mean by those things…but that’d be about it. I’d be guessing. And I suspect that it was similar for him.
But all of that is just to say that he didn’t understand what you were SAYING. That’s one thing. But what happened doesn’t sound like it was the result of a simple misunderstanding. It sounds like it was a divergence in your paths.
BOTTOM LINING IT FOR YA
You came to a crossroads, you said, “Let’s do XYZ.” He said (remember — SAID) “sure, why not?” Why? He evidently had enjoyed being with you up to that point.
But then, once you pressed him on all this “moving forward” stuff…it allowed him to ask the questions. “Hm. I wonder…ARE we moving forward? Why aren’t we? Do I want to?”
Sounds like he came to the realization that no, he didn’t. I wouldn’t automatically jump to the conclusion that he was LYING to you. I really don’t read that in his behavior. I see a guy who liked being with you. Then, when you realized you wanted something more — something different — he came to realize that he did not.
And that, as they say, was that.
I’m sorry this didn’t work out the way you wanted it to, Emm. All I can tell you is, don’t focus on this idea that this man was “lying to you.” Doesn’t sound that way to me. Sounds like you wanted different things, and it took a few months to figure that out. It happens.
What’s your take, ladies? This guy having Talk troubles? Is he a big, fat, liar?
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