Did She Scare Him Off?

Well, a reader named Ellen has kept herself off the market for a while. She finally broke down and went out with a guy, and he pulled a Fade on her. She’s wondering what she did wrong, if she scared him off.

I’m guessing she’s not quite as scary as she thinks she is, but let’s find out for sure.

hi…got a question for you…

I really don’t understand this..but maybe you can help since you`re a man.. I`m from Norway..:)

Ok, I am right now warming up my “man-to-Norwegian-woman” vocabulary. Gentlemen, start your umlauts…

Ì`m a single 33 year old mum, single in my 3rd year.. kept myself from men,since it doesnt seem like I`m so lucky with them..

Is it that way, or is it the other way around — you’re not so lucky with them because you keep yourself from them? Did I just blow your Scandinavian mind, Ellen? It’s ok, it happens.

I met a guy,that I knew who was,but didn’t really know..(on Facebook) but I live in a town where everybody knows everybody,so I knew who he is… I thought he looked like a nice guy,not the guys I usually met before I become mum..

It all sounds good, except that Ted Bundy looked like a nice guy as well. You can’t always judge a book by its nice cover. (Well, except for MY book, which you should all judge to be lovely by its nice cover. And then you should be purchasing it, like instantly if you ever hope to be happy with your existences. I mean it — it’s just that important. )

we chatted a little bit,then calls…he was really sweet and I was glad to met someone like him.. he is also a single dad,so had much in common.. We had good chemistry from the first meeting,which was in my place..( Never been a guy there,other the kids father) We talked and had a real good time..this happened for a week..But he didnt send me any texts the days we were apart,and I got little bit insecure,but he called me and said that it didnt mean that he didnt like me… so on sunday he came on a little hi-how are you-trip over to me,and kissed me and said he saw me tomorrow… I thought I should have sent him a good-night text,but didnt,since was coming next day.. I texted him the day after..and no answer,then I called..but he didnt pick up…

Hrm. Strange. If I understand this correctly, he did come over, but then AFTER that, he didn’t respond or pick up. Mm. Not a great sign, that. Let’s see what happened next.

I did the same thing today,and said in the text,that I deserved a little explanation..but nothing…what happened? Did I scare him off..?

Nah, that doesn’t really happen, Ellen. I’ll explain more in a sec.

I`m so sad,cause he is the first guy I liked in many years,and he made me think the feeling was mutal..we didnt have sex,but talked about it..He had also been single for 3 year,and was looking for something lasting.. but he also told me he had been a real player when he was younger.. and had been hurt by the ex,who he has kids with..

Right. Not always a great sign when the guy is listing for you all the reasons why he might not be such a great relationship-er.

he was so kind and good to me..told me,if it would come down to it,that he couldnn’t commit in a realationship, he`ll tell me so,and we would be friends..

Ah yes. The “can’t commit” excuse. That one…we sometimes say that one because we know you’ve read that we feel like that sometimes. As in, “It’s not YOU, it’s the whole COMMITMENT thing that’s the problem.” It’s a way to bail out without being the Bad Guy.

Is this the case,when you want to dump someone,but dont have the guts to do it face-face?

This might very well be that very case, yes.

or at least on a text on the phone? can someone be that cold? Didnt he want me,since I didnt seal the deal right a way?

Nah, I sincerely doubt that. You both talked about the sex as a possibility. No, I don’t think this is it.

Or didnt he want the same thing?

I think this is more likely the case. The two of you weren’t on the same wavelength, from what I’m reading. Doesn’t sound like there was an “event” that stopped this thing. He just wasn’t feeling it.

did he get scared since I`m serious,and sensitive when it comes to realationships,that maybe I was a little too keen?

I really don’t think so. Maybe he was sensing that you were into him, and he didn’t want to get in any deeper knowing that. But that doesn’t mean that there was something you could have done differently, or that you did something wrong.

a lot of questions runs through my mind now,cause I just dont understand…

Ellen…

Dear Ellen,

Well…you got dumped. That’s why this one really sucks. This isn’t great, no matter what. But here are a couple of things I see:

• YOU DIDN’T BLOW IT: I’m not seeing anything in his behavior that says that some THING happened. Unless you left out the part where he stopped calling you right after you showed him your collection of severed heads, you did fine. (And if you did that, kudos for being so trusting, but ah…maybe take up a different hobby.)
• THIS IS HOW IT GOES: Since you’ve kept yourself off the market for the most part, you may not know this, but this is how things go out there. You go out a few times because…why? Well, for the purpose of seeing if you’re feeling it, right? First couple of dates, you just might not know. That’s what they’re for.
• DON’T GO NUTS: The last thing you want to do is to go down the rabbit hole of “What could I have done differently?” Don’t go down that rabbit hole. And don’t go down any real rabbit holes, either. There’s nothing interesting down there but rabbit poo and used fur. The only thing you could have done differently was go out with a different guy. If you think you can “scare a guy off,” I promise, you don’t have the kind of power you think you do.
• DON’T LET THIS STOP YOU: Here’s the biggie. Keep getting out there, Ellen. And because you now know that this is just how it goes, maybe just alter your approach a little. Look at the first couple of dates as GATHERING INFO. You’re going in there not to get this man. You’re dating to find out WHAT you feel about this man. And to get a sense of what he feels about you. And if somebody backs off, you or him, well, that’s the information you learned.

Good luck, Ellen. I’m sorry it happened this way, but just remember — the vast majority of dates do not lead to relationships. So the more pressure you can take OFF of the date to be that One, the more fun you can have, and the better off you’ll be.

What say you, ladies? What happened here? Sound familiar at all? Hello?

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