What I’ve Learned in my Thirties

 Even as I was living it, I knew that I would look back at my thirties and know that this would be the most interesting, fun, difficult, and freeing time of my life. So often a woman in her twenties, with notable exceptions, is wrapped in family and societal expectations. You barely know yourself let alone the world yet you have to make decisions that can impact the rest of your life and all you feel like you can handle is matching your lipstick to your nail polish. There are so many pressures of doing “the right thing” and it feels like you have to do everything RIGHT NOW. There is such a sense of urgency to get married, start a family, start a career before you know what the fuck is going on. For me, I was in the wrong career, the wrong marriage, and I wondered why I was so unhappy. In your thirties, you know yourself a little bit better, you know a little bit more of the world, you start to care less about what others think of you. With this self and world knowledge, you can start making better decisions. Its not too late.

Career

• The first thing you have to let go of is that on the back of your college diploma says “for deposit only.” Education is always valuable. You have to keep telling yourself that every time you pay that student loan. So your degree is in marketing and you are a retail store manager. So what, its a paycheck and its kind of in your field. My degree is in English with a minor in Speech Pathology. My second degree is in Education. I worked in the classroom, if you include substitute teaching, for about five years. I worked for an education company developing and grading tests for about four years. I have worked in insurance and finance for the past about seven years and am so much happier. I am also paid a lot better. I have a career path in finance even though I still consider it my “day job.” People give English majors such a hard time, but knowing how to communicate effectively is a very valuable skill. They can train me on the finance stuff, but talking to people about their money is hard work and it is not for everyone.

• Let someone else say something stupid in the meetings, it doesn’t have to be you. There is always someone in the meeting with no filter or internal dialogue. Let that person hang themselves, but you don’t have to give them the rope. Stay out of it and do your job. If you feel you just have to disagree or take up a cause at work, either talk to your manager or an HR representative privately. The whole world doesn’t need to know that you are disgruntled or that a policy sucks. There are a lot of policies in a lot of companies that suck. Its work, suck it up. In your thirties you realize a roof over your head and food on your table is more important than a misguided cause. Sure, if you feel very strongly and it is justified, be a whistle blower. There is enough corruption in the corporations that we need some whistle blowing, but understand that you will most likely just hurt yourself. You can be a sell out, but you don’t have to buy in.

• “Don’t get you honey where you get your money” a country radio DJ said that once. Its true. There are so many sayings about this that you’d think people would learn. Sure, you are with that person all the time and will probably have shared interests, but this could be career suicide and an HR nightmare. If you HAVE to date at the office, be sure that you are up on HR policies and still ask yourself, is online dating that hard?

Keeping Up with the Jones

• Stop. Just stop. Generation X especially has had to weather many a recession dating back to our infancy in the 70’s, the crash of 1989 when we were teens, and the Internet bubble of 2001, and the home mortgage and bank crisis of 2008. If you have a job and can pay your bills, good. That is an accomplishment in itself. There are some lucky bastards out there that seem to be untouched by market trends and other disasters. I bet their shit don’t stink too. Good for them. If you are barely making it, at least you are making it. Stop worrying about social media updates of anniversaries, promotions, new jobs, new houses, and new babies. This is hard for me, especially the anniversaries and babies bit. Try to be happy for them. We all want praise and recognition but, don’t compare your life’s story to someone else’s highlight reel.

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Family

• This is a tricky one for me. I am a divorced, childless adult who is nearly forty. My dreams of motherhood are pretty much dashed. Sure, it is still biologically possible, but that doesn’t make it a good idea. I have pretty much decided that ship has sailed and have suffered enough about that fact for one life time. Remember, people often will try to justify their lifestyle choices by judging yours.

• Because I am a divorced, childless adult nearly forty, I have no status in my family. None. Although I used to host the occasional holiday, no one is coming to the trendy Northside to my cute, but small one bedroom apartment for a meal no matter how gourmet and delicious the food is or how much the wine and conversation sparkles. Sure, the pressure is off and I clean my apartment mostly for my own sanity rather than the threat of guests. It still hurts that I have to hope I get an invite to my brother’s house and be an addition to his family rather than having a family of my own. It hurts, I won’t lie. But then again, I have consider amount free time and I answer to no one and that is about as awesome as you imagine it to be. I can be a role model of a happy, successful woman, single or otherwise.

• I still want to get married again. Why lie? I loved being married even though my husband literally drove me crazy. It is nice to have a partner and have someone on your side. Of course being single is WAY better than being stuck in a bad marriage. Being in a bad romantic relationship feels like you can’t breathe. I can be a good wife for the right man. I think men who get serious about a woman knows that this is the end game for most of us. If they knew how much they benefited from marriage, perhaps they wouldn’t be so shy about it. When I get remarried, I am not going to be one of those older, second time around embarrassed brides. So, I’m not a virgin. I look bad in white anyway. My next wedding is going to be to a man worthy of me and there is going to be cake, food, booze, flowers, my nieces will be flower girls. There is going to dancing, belly dancers, music, and even fire throwers if I can pull it off. The man in the running to be my next husband knows a lot of creative people. I’m not embarrassed I will be getting married again. I don’t even regret being married the first time. I did nothing wrong. But this next time I’m going to do it right and it will be forever. And there will be cake.

Body Issues

• My weight has varied widely in my adult life. I have gone up and down seventy to hundred pounds at least twice in twenty years. I am going back down. I have been as small as a size 14 and as large as a 24. Right not I am about a size 20 which is my default setting, apparently. I am losing weight now just to avoid diabetes and heart disease, but vanity is still a major factor in my passing up temptation. Only, now I am eating so much better gravy looks and tastes disgusting and pretty much every dessert tastes cloyingly sweet. Gravity and time have been amazingly kind to me. I love my breasts although I am sometimes embarrassed by how big they are. My curves and tiny waist are enviable. My ass is big, round, shapely, like the stuff of rap songs. I don’t like my stomach and I’m working on it but I don’t hate it. Why hate the body which is the lovely, healthy, functional vessel for my soul? I still have a lot of weight to lose and I am trying to give up smoking. I so regret starting in the first place. It is the hardest habit I’ve ever had to break. Now that I like my life, I’d like to be around a lot longer if only to make up for the time when I hated myself, my life, and tried so hard to end it both actively and passively. There is still time to make up for lost time.

Sex

• Sex is so much better in your thirties than in your twenties and I don’t blame my partners for it either. Even though my ex-husband was a closet homosexual, or really, kind of more towards bi on the Kinsey scale when we first met, I’d like to go on record that he was a good lover and he tried his best. Women give points for effort, a lot of points. I am sure there is some biological and physiological reasons for why sex is better for women in their thirties and our much rumored and documented sexual peak not withstanding. But here are some things I have learned about sex in my thirties I did not know before.

• Although the first orgasm takes a bit more effort and more direct stimulation, I am not as afraid to ask for said stimulation and the orgasms after that initial orgasm are stronger and more frequent. Earth shattering is not an understatement.

• There is such a thing as internal and external orgasms, although I don’t think all women know about it but I think most are capable. I think we just tell women not all of us can have vaginal orgasms to make those that haven’t yet feel better about it. Yes, the clitoris is the source for all orgasms and the “G-spot” is not all that elusive and is just the under side of the clitoris. I am physiologically lucky in the my G-spot is not especially deep and is accessible with just one finger or even a modestly endowed partner.

• As far as male size is concerned, there is a point of diminishing returns. There is such a thing as too small where it barely feels like he’s in at all or positions are somewhat limited. But really, if you really love him or want him, you can work with what he’s got. Do not underestimate the power and creativity of fingers and a well placed tongue.

• Swallowing is not necessary.

• Internet porn as ruined just about every man under the age of 35.

• Men over the age of 35 tend to have less “dick-centric” sex, are more giving, and way more appreciative in bed. Instead of keeping score with how many women they have had, they keep score with how often and how well they can satisfy you because they have figured out one women is hard enough.