понедельник, 10 июня 2019 г.

Cyberbullying is Not a Women’s Issue. It’s a Human Issue.

MEN RECEIVE MORE DEATH THREATS ONLINE THAN WOMEN

Debates surrounding the place, presence and perception of women online manifests in an astounding way. Column inches and a plethora of posts online are dedicated to the cyber-harassment of women, which can be excruciating and vitriolic at times. Over the last few years, the issue has garnered much attention, but could it be that presenting cyberbullying as a gendered issue, instead of a human issue, negates the bigger picture and in turn victimizes women, impeding their progress?

A WOMEN’S ISSUE?


According to the most recent research conducted in harassment and cyberbullying by the nonpartisan think tank Pew Research Center of more than 2,800 people, 40 percent said they have experienced harassment online. That figure mushrooms to over 70 percent who have seen others being harassed.

Some have gone so far as to call these attacks gender terrorism.
Consider that an estimated third of the world’s female population experience gender-based violence. Not one country in the world has closed the gender pay gap, female infanticide has resulted in generations of “missing girls,” and its possible to infer that the subjugation of women is ubiquitous—and that online is no different to offline.

According to the Pew report, women (especially young women) are “significantly” more likely to experience abuse online. They experienced “disproportionately high” rates of certain, more severe forms of abuse such as stalking or sexual harassment that left them “traumatized.” Moreover, young women were twice as likely to find the abuse “extremely upsetting” than men.

Award-winning writer and Internet culture commentator Amanda Hess is among a number of female journalists who have spoken out against their trollers. Her crime, as she puts it, is doing her job. Because she’s a journalist, she expresses views and opinions that encourage debate and discussion. But for years, she has faced a brutal onslaught of rape threats and other forms of harassment.

“None of this makes me exceptional,” she writes. “It just makes me a woman with an Internet connection. A woman doesn’t even need to occupy a professional writing perch at a prominent platform to become a target. As the Internet becomes increasingly central to the human experience, the ability of women to live and work freely online will be shaped, and too often limited, by the technology companies that host these threats, the constellation of local and federal law enforcement officers who investigate them, and the popular commentators who dismiss them—all arenas that remain dominated by men, many of whom have little personal understanding of what women face online everyday.”
This issue is indeed an everyday occurrence for some women. Sites like Twitter have fundamentally changed the way that people communicate with its ability to disseminate thoughts and views to the world in just an instant. Its raw openness means that those who want to harass can do so with minimal effort but maximum effect.

For example, Caroline Criado-Perez, who led a campaign to for a woman (other than the monarch) to be featured on British currency, was one victim of vitriolic Twitter harassment. Her campaign was eventually successful, with author Jane Austen selected as the next famous Briton to appear on a banknote. But sexually lurid threats of rape and disembodiment, death threats and questioning of Criado-Perez’s motivations and credentials came in thick and fast. In some cases these were so severe that it drove Criado-Perez to shut her Twitter account down and report it to the police. Eventually Isabella Sorley and John Nimmo were convicted and sentenced for “extreme threats.” Two years on, the feminist activist, now returned to Twitter, reflected on summer on 2013 and the trauma it caused her.

Until now, it’s unclear what drove the level of hatred toward a woman who was campaigning for equality. Criado-Perez has not been deterred and continues to use social media to raise awareness for her campaigns. But cases like hers have increased in the last few years.

For Brianna Wu, head of development at Giant Spacekat and radio presenter, rape threats were not the worst of the abuse directed at her on image-board website 4chan. Wu was forced to leave her home after threats and packages were sent via mail. She was labeled the derogatory term, social justice warrior, for speaking out against the male-dominated gaming and tech industry by those who rallied around the exclusion of women in gaming culture—the Gamergaters.

Brianna Wu, head of development at Giant Spacekat received a number of rape and death threats online for working in the male-dominated gaming and tech industry. Shannon Grant Photography.

“I’ve gotten so many harassing tweets and emails that I now have an employee who works full-time handling them,” she explains. “They’ve shared my home address so many times that I now keep a baseball bat by the front door, and any unexpected knock can send me into a panic. To them, no area of my private life is off limits to use against me.” Wu says that at the last count, there were more than 400 pages dedicated to exposing her as a “free speech hater” and “militant feminist.”
Wu is not the only woman involved in the Gamergate saga to be harassed by trolls. Zoe Quinn was accused of sleeping her way to the top‘ Anita Sarkeesian, a vlogger and writer, was the subject of a game where you could beat her upJenn Frank and Mattie Brice ended up leaving their professions because of similar attacks.  

Wu believes that the harassment she is getting is because she is a woman. She says, “I absolutely think that women experience significantly more harassment than men, and in ways that men could never possibly consider to be harassment.”

THE MALE VICTIMS


Cyberbullying is regularly deemed a female-centric concern, however more men are the targets of physical and death threats than women—and this statistic is all-too-often overlooked. To negate (as some feminist critics, bloggers and thinkers have done) the fact that men receive a higher sum of the total abuse online is tantamount to not seeing the true problem.

Key is that Pew’s research also finds that “online men are somewhat more likely than online women to experience some level of online harassment overall.” This finding may at first seem inconsequential but is hugely important when it comes to understanding cyber-harassment.
Demos, a UK-based nonpartisan think tank, in collaboration with Sussex University, analyzed over two million tweets and found that in all, male public figures are “several times” more likely to receive harassment on Twitter. The only group to buck that trend were female journalists (like Amanda Hess) who received about three times more abuse than male journalists.

“[W]e realized that year after year, there were predictable episodic periods of very public crisis around trolling and abuse especially being raised by very prominent women, and especially, prominent journalists, but it was stretching to women in lots of different fields,” says Carl Miller, co-founder and Research Director of the Centre for the Analysis of Social Media at Demos.

Miller has been researching language and decorum online and says, “In terms of extent I didn’t see an imbalance in the level of hate that women get compared to men. In terms of kind, yes. So when abuse aimed at women was meant to be hurtful or disturbing, people were groping for the most damaging words they could which, unfortunately, in this sense for women, are sexually aggressive words.”

Miller continues, “We do something called corpus linguistics which is essentially tipping all the tweets into a great big bucket and start looking at word frequencies and distributions within this massive bucket of words and the abuse towards women was certainly more sexualized, it was certainly more focused towards their physical appearance, and it certainly used a constellation of sexually aggressive language that was not coming up in the male category.”

Another counterintuitive finding when looking at perpetrators rather than victims of online harassment is that there seem to be just as many women hurling abuse as men. Miller finds that, “women tended to send more abuse to women, men sent more to men, but men did tend to send more to men and women.”
Cyberbullying is often considered a women’s issue, which negates the bigger picture as a human issue that affects women and men alike. (Dean Bertoncelj/Shutterstock.com)


A HUMAN ISSUE


Rather than amplifying the view that women are merely suffering due to comments from loser men, it may be key to open the debate and understand it as a wider issue of persistent and ongoing misogyny in popular culture by everyone, regardless of gender.

Cathy Young, columnist and author of Ceasefire!: Why Women and Men Must Join Forces To Achieve True Equality, argues that calling it “gendered” harassment is exacerbating the problem. “I have seen several times women on Twitter retweet or screencap an abusive tweet that they got which isn’t necessarily gender specific, and they will post it with a comment like ‘just another day of being women on the Internet,’” she explains.

Young says that there are gender-specific comments that men get and “we tend to think of men as the default human being and so what happens to women is gender specific. I’ve seen men get accused of being rapists or child molesters over something that they wrote and…not a whole lot of women get called child molesters because again, men’s problems just get called human problems.

“Feminists have often criticized this way of thinking, but we are also perpetuating it. We need to look at this as a human issue not a gender issue.”

A recent investigation by academics into the types of people that sexually harass women online finds that “low-status males increase female-directed hostility to minimize the loss of status as a consequence of hierarchical reconfiguration resulting from the entrance of a woman into the competitive arena.” But that higher-skilled players were more positive towards women.

Replace the word misogyny with misanthropy in much of this article and the result would be the same. Perhaps a viable explanation as to why women face gendered harassment online is not because they are women, but because they are successful, articulate or popular.
Cyber harassment exists and the experiences of many women, famous or otherwise, proves that it can destroy lives, but it’s important that we recognize it for what it is rather than reading gender into the problem.

It may be that labeling the abuse women get on the Internet as “online misogyny” and assuming that women get more of it than men is making it a woman-only problem, thereby placing it in the realm of women’s issues and women-only discussion groups that relegate the debate onto the path of didactic intellectualism—a woman’s problem for women to sort out.





четверг, 6 июня 2019 г.

Deception


It was very clever, I will admit that. I was surprised at the level ingenuity and the Machiavellian underhandedness. I couldn't be angry about it though, it was just too damn funny.

 It started back in January. My Mother who is currently taking a course in psychology and at the same time was scheduled to have knee replacement surgery. She knew she would be missing some classes and would probably fall behind in the course work.

When February came around, she was struggling to keep on top of the work. Or at least that is what she told me. I had just returned to work, when I received a phone call from her. She told me about how she was feeling after the operation and eventually the conversation turned to a book she would need to read and review for her year end assessment. She asked me could I do it for her, as she would not be able to find the time to read the book and write the review, whilst at the same time, stay on top of the course load from the time she was hospitalized. She sent me two books in the post. Courage To Change by Ursala O'Farrell and Emotional Rational Emotive Therapy Behaviour In Action by Wendy Dryden. We agreed that I would read and review the latter, as it was the most simple and straight forward of the the two and would not need to be too involved.

 At the same time, I had just started my new job and I was learning so many new things, when I was finishing in the evening. I was so exhausted but I would read a few pages every evening. To be honest, it became a thorn in my side, with the new information I was taking in everyday at work, I was not able to absorb the contents of the book as well as I might have done in normal circumstances. It took me two reads, to get around the complex subject matter. I was really struggling. Eventually, I got it done.

 A few weeks later, having read the books twice and struggled to understand its contents, I eventually got a rough draft of the review sent to my Mother, explaining also, that I had struggled and it might not have been good as she was expecting. She didn't really push on it, or go into more detail and thanked me for trying and suggested I also read courage to change. I thought it strange, that she didn't get more upset about it. My Mother tends to have a short temper when the actions she has requested of you are not done satisfactorily. Also, as I read the book, I could help but notice if focused on the behavioural therapy, that identifies certain personality types and tries to encourage counselling to change damaging personality disorders or behavioural patterns. As, I read the book, I eventually found what would probably describe my personality type. Some of the key factors of the type, being more prone to addiction and procrastination. Which to be perfectly honest, described me to a tee.

When I read those passages, I couldn't help but wonder. Had she sent me this book, under the guise of helping her out, to make me see damaging patters in my personality type and then change them? Turns out, that is exactly what it was. She knew that I would not read the book of my own accord, she also knew that if she brought it up and recommended why she wanted me to read it, I would not.

So, she cooked up this little plan, which I have to admit, was very clever, even if it did not necessarily work in the way that she hoped it would. I have never been under an illusion that the behaviours I engage in can be damaging, that the way I live my life is some what unseemly. It's not identifying the personality type that is the issue anymore, its breaking out of the habits that have engulfed the last ten years or so.

My addictive personality, which means, certain things like drugs, or overspending have me and my family much hardship and conflict. My inability to plan to far into the future and my habits of procrastination which have hampered my development. I am also inherently lazy, if something seems to difficult, boring or involved, I shy away from it and use some other kind of justification, to explain my way out of it. I want to learn, I really do. I have such a keen interest in the writing or the law and I want to get into those fields so badly, I just don't know where to start and It scares me that I would need to change the way I live, to accommodate that goal. Even if the way I live, seems so unseemly to some. It's all I really know.




ONE MAN’S JOURNEY TO MARRIAGE


In many ways I am a stereotypical guy. I like sports, cars, beer, burgers, golf and swearing. On any given weekend you can find me combining the swearing part with a few of the other likes. But there is one aspect of my life that has been anything but typical. I’ve never been married. Not even engaged. If I were writing this as a 24 year old, talking about never being married would sound stupid and you’d probably tell me to shut it. But I am 40 years old. Did I expect to be 40 and unmarried? No, not a chance. I have bounced between lots of short term and long term relationships over the last 20 years but nothing ever took. Which is good – I dated alot of nutcases! But all that is about to change on June 1st when I finally tie the knot.
I have been dating my fiancé for about 4 ½ years and we bought a house together a year ago. I have affectionately called her my “Lady Friend” over the years because I had a hard time being a guy of a certain age, dating a woman in her mid-30s and calling her my “girl” friend. Sorry, it just seemed weird. But this is officially the longest relationship of my life and the first relationship where I could truly say without a doubt that I have no desire to ever date anyone else again. So I’m taking the plunge.
We are having an extremely small ceremony. How small? Including us there will be a total of seven people in attendance, our parents, the minister, and us. And as far as I’m concerned even some of the seven are optional. This is partly because of our age, as having a huge wedding at 40 seems a little silly. But it’s also because she was married before and went through the big production that time. And as they say, the wedding is really about the bride. If she wants it to be small – it’s going to be small. Even though I usually enjoy attention and have a healthy ego I have always thought a smaller wedding would be better, so this suits me just fine. And it’s CHEAP.
Even though it’s going to be simple, small and short (similar to my sex life) we are still having it in a Lutheran church. For those of you unfamiliar with us Lutherans we actually outnumber Catholics here in the Upper Midwest. We’re a lot like our Catholic brothers and sisters, but without all the stupid rules about when and what you can eat at different times of the year. As if God cares that I throw down a burger or two on Fridays. I’m guessing he has better things to worry about. But since the wedding is in a church we get to go through something called Prepare-Enrich. It’s basically a relationship test followed up by a handful of sessions to talk about our “compatibility.”
Last week we took the test individually and it included a lot of generic personality assessment crap that you’d expect on find on this type of test. It seemed like an attempt to weed out crazy people. And not just any crazy people, but that special kind of crazy person who is also dumb enough to answer honestly – thus exposing themselves as a crazy person. Believe me, I was tempted to have a little fun with this thing and make myself out to be a little crazy. But I played it straight. My Lady Friend likes to goof with people herself so I think there is a chance she did NOT play it straight. We don’t know each other’s answers and won’t find out any results until we have our first session with the assessor in the next few days.
I think I’ll save my goofiness for those sessions. Might as well have fun with it right? I’ll fill you in on all that next time. Stay tuned!


вторник, 4 июня 2019 г.

Can Same-Sex Marriage Eradicate the Taboo of Women Proposing to Men?



When it comes to getting engaged, men ultimately decide the timeline, pick the ring, and pop the question. Proposing marriage, therefore, remains of the most prevalent examples of antiquated gender roles in our society today. But with same-sex marriage now legal in all 50 U.S. states, clearly, there are going to be some ladies proposing… to other ladies. Can these women, and same-sex couples in general, influence the way heterosexual couples go about getting engaged?

In July, U.S. Senator Elizabeth Warren marked her 35th marriage anniversary with a Facebook post in which she revealed that she proposed to her husband, Bruce. Called a “feminist fairy tale” by New York Magazine and “the definition of #FeministGoals” by Mic.com, her story, which mentioned the fact that she was the one who popped the question, not Bruce, rather offhandedly, inspired more than 225,000 likes and nearly 9,000 shares at the time of writing.

Yet, marriage proposals like Warren’s remain anomalies today, even as we scrutinize other areas of society in which women don’t enjoy equal rights or the opportunities that men do. The time-honored tradition of a man dropping down on one knee and proposing marriage to a woman, almost never the other way around, endures as the pinnacle of romantic gestures—despite the fact that this highly one-sided ask initiates a life-changing decision for both parties.

Praise for Warren’s gesture aside, a dynamic of men taking the relationship reigns, while women wait passively (or coyly drop hints) is not just accepted, it’s revered. According to CBS News, young adults are more likely than older generations to consider women-driven proposals “unacceptable,” and more than one-third of people under the age of 30 disapprove of this role-reversal. A survey conducted at the uber-liberal University of California, Santa Cruz, found that most heterosexual student respondents “definitely” desire a male-led proposal and not one man or woman surveyed expressed interest in bucking tradition.
Certainly, many, if not most, people would agree with psychotherapist Kristen Martinez, that, “women have just as much right as men to understand where their relationship is going, to show that they are fully invested in it and can make sound decisions for that relationship.”

However, Martinez, who specializes in women and LGBTQIA issues, notes that even though we might logically believe women and men should be equally active in making the decision about marriage, much of what we consider “tradition” is sculpted from patriarchy and misogyny—and most straight couples don’t even question the passive woman proposal model because it’s just the way things are.

“Feminine socialization, to a large part, hinges on the dream of the perfect wedding day and the ‘knight in shining armor’ Disney fairy tale coming true; that’s just what we’re taught to care about as girls,” she explains. “The man is a go-getter, he asserts his power, he’s the one who can make decisions; the woman waits around, hoping and daydreaming that he will ask but hesitant to ever use her voice to assert that for herself. That’s the script that we have to go off of, and it’s imperfect at best and harmful at worst.”

Licensed clinical psychologist Traci Lowenthal, who also works closely with the LGBTQIA community, adds that, “while women often send signals that they want a proposal to happen, it’s still generally accepted that the man takes the lead and is therefore ultimately the one that controls when and if the marriage happens.”

In this way, proposing marriage remains one of the most prevalent and widely embraced examples of antiquated gender roles in our society today, setting a tone of imbalance in relationships and society as a whole. This disparity is a final frontier, if you will, to overcome before true egalitarianism is possible, Elizabeth Kiefer argues in Marie Claire.
“When ‘will you?’ is something anyone can ask, we’ll actually be on our way to equal footing in everything that comes after ‘I do,’” she writes.

But, despite the fact that most people seem to accept the status quo of male-led proposal, the permission for women to pop the question may be on the horizon. Not because there is a mainstream feminist coalition calling for change, or because women themselves would rather take matters into their own hands. (There isn’t and they don’t, according to statistics.)
Change may come from an unexpected place: In June, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled in favor of same-sex marriage, marking a momentous win for same-sex (and human) rights. And while same-sex couples and their families will certainly feel the most significant impact of this ruling, one can’t help but wonder what progressive changes marriage equality will inspire among all couples.

Especially given that same-sex weddings and proposals will be rising exponentially. According to Wedding Market Expo, as many as 91,000 same-sex weddings are now expected per year, a dramatic increase from the just over 70,000 same-sex marriages the Pew Research Center estimated took place between 2004 and 2013.

“Clearly, in same-sex female relationships, a woman will be proposing and, due to the recent SCOTUS ruling, the number of women proposing will increase,” Lowenthal says. “I think the idea will begin to create space for more acceptance of a female proposing; marketing will likely begin to shift toward women too—and the ‘traditional proposal’ will likely evolve and change.”

According to experts, same-sex couples tend to follow a more flexible model for proposing that isn’t restricted to gender roles the way heterosexual proposals are. Of course, this is due to the obvious: Both members of the couple are of the same sex and, therefore, the “rules” of heterosexual relationships don’t apply.

But another part of this, notes wedding planner Jason Mitchell, author of Getting Groomed, a wedding planning guide for same-sex couples, is due to the fact that there aren’t years of tradition or a prescribed social script to follow. New York-based jewelry designer Rony Tennenbaum, who works with same-sex couples and has been in a relationship with his partner for 22 years, agrees, explaining that since there had long been no precedent for how to go about engagement in the same-sex community, many simply skipped over it—until now.

“It is only in the past couple years that I started seeing a trend of more same-sex couples considering the ‘engagement’ process,” he explains. “There is no traditional background that a young lesbian can turn to and see how it was done previously, certainly not how her dad proposed to her mom, so the tradition of who proposes to who is still being written.”
This lack of structure means that the ways same-sex partners get engaged can vary from couple to couple.

“Same-sex couples have a lot more freedom when it comes to who will propose to the other and who will wear an engagement ring as a symbol of commitment,” says wedding planner Aviva Samuels of Kiss the Planner. “Rather the following the common rules set forth in a heterosexual world, it may be one person that proposes to the other, it may be a dual proposal planned individually by both parties, or instead it may be planned together. This is extremely dependent upon the couple themselves with much less of a focus on the rules that surround gender in a heterosexual engagement.”

Samuels, who frequently works with same-sex couples, adds that it is down to the personalities of the individuals and the dynamics of who the two as a couple, as well as factors such as age, status, dominance, and finances that might come into play.
It is this flexibility that provides all couples with an alternative model to the “man asks, female answers” binary that heterosexual couples have embraced, and been restricted by, for so long.

Of course, change will not happen overnight. “Heteronormative values and male-dominated societal expectations will continue for the foreseeable future,” Lowenthal says. “The fear is that a woman proposing to a man is emasculating will continue to reign, at least for a few more years.”

And, certainly, homophobia is still present across the country, meaning that there may even be a backlash against more flexible gender roles—some people could cling tighter to the tradition of a male-led proposal. “I think many may choose the hyper-traditional demonstration of a proposal as a way to differentiate their marriage from those of same-sex couples,” she says.
Yet, as Mitchell argues, these people are now the growing minority—57 percent of Americans, and 73 percent of millennials, now support same-sex marriage. And even though younger people tend to be less enthused by female-led proposals, one can hope that they might be open-minded enough to challenge other social values that were once considered the norm.

Ultimately, Lowenthal is optimistic about the egalitarian direction relationships may take in the wake of the SCOTUS ruling. “I think for younger individuals—children, teens and young adults—resulting visibility of same-sex couples will create an entirely different reality with regard to marriage proposal and gender roles,” she says. “Our children will begin to be exposed to all sorts of relationships and therefore, all different types of gender roles, not to mention gender expression and identity. Through this exposure, I believe the traditional values will begin to soften a bit more.”

In the near future, or at least when these younger generations come of age, the hope is that exposure to same-sex relationships—and those that include transgendered individuals—will allow all people to feel less confined to the prescribed traditional general roles society has long reinforced, when it comes to marriage proposals and other long-accepted rituals.
“The more visibility of non-heterosexual relationships in general, the better off we will all be,” Martinez says. “In terms of equality and acceptance of other sexual orientations and gender expressions, in terms of flexibility in co-creating positive and healthy egalitarian relationships, and in terms of breaking down harmful and limiting stereotypes of ‘traditional’ femininity and masculinity.”