Is dating easier for single dads than single moms? A lot of
folks in the blogosphere seem to think so.
Chrissy
at Glamour’s Storked! laments the
marketability of a single dad who appeared on ABC’s Bachelorette. Seems he got
a ton of fan mail that Chrissy as a single mom doesn’t get. Her readers jumped
right on the band wagon, saying single moms have it tougher than single dads.
Then there’s Matt Logelin, single
after his wife tragically passed away with the birth of their child. He wrote
that society has mythologized the good
single father, and women daily send him emails saying they’d
love to be the woman in his life. He posits that a woman in his shoes wouldn’t
get the same attention.
Call me
the lone dissenter, but dating is NOT easier for single dads than single moms. That’s
been my experience, at least, and I’ve been at this game for eight
years running.
Now before you break out Occam’s razor and question whether I’m
date-able, know that I’ve had post-divorce dating success – a few serious
relationships and tons of short term flings. Women tend to like me.
But finding someone to enter my
family for the long haul has been a challenge.
I’m
guessing Chrissy’s Bachelorette got a ton of fan mail because of the nature of
that show. It attracts female viewers who would love a man of their
own. Chrissy’s blog caters to moms.
Matt
blogs that there are a lot of women who would love to adopt his built-in
family. With all due respect to his departed wife, perhaps his
being a widower is a factor. Any woman who joins his family will be the woman in his
family’s life. For me as a divorced man with half-time custody, any woman
joining my family will certainly be the woman in my house, but will take second
fiddle to the biological mom when it comes to the kids. Most women want no part
of that. (Yes, I realize there are exceptions. But those women haven’t tended
to come my way.)
Besides fantasizing Matt as the
perfect husband and father, some women might fantasize themselves in the role
of nurturing mother and wife. They simply can’t do that with me and my kids.
One woman I met on match.com said she wouldn’t date me because if she entered
my life, she wouldn’t have a role. The kids already have a mom. I already take
care of the family and home. What’s left for her to do?
Plenty
more women have told me flat out they won’t date me seriously because they
don’t want a built-in family, but then say they’d love to be my booty
call friend with benefits.
I’m not saying single dads have
it tougher than single moms. I’m saying it’s probably about the same. Dating
as a single parent is complicated. Period.
(For the record, my ex-wife is
dating someone right now. She’s a single mom. Sure, she has half-time custody
and therefore time to date. But so do I. The issue isn’t time, it’s finding
someone who accepts our co-parenting two-home situation.)
Which
brings me to a bigger point. As a single dad deeply
involved in my kids’ lives – caring for them, cooking, cleaning, volunteering
in schools, etc. – I run into gender stereotyped discrimination all the time.
The schools send notices to mom but not to me. The doctor’s
office calls mom but not me. A mom friend who came for a BBQ brought a
wagon full of food because she worried I can’t cook (I’m fairly accomplished.)
It’s frustrating. Women I’ve
encountered see me as different. Their husbands don’t cook and
clean and take care of the kids. Instead, those dads tend to work long hours
and leave the household and parenting duties to the mom. Some women
have even suggested this makes me unmanly. Whatever.
Broad
generalizations that lead to societal myths are damaging to
involved dads like me as we try to don the non-traditional role of single care
provider. (I’ve already said my two cents about DadGoneMad admitting he
dreaded alone time with his kids, and I’ve bemoaned the
entertainment media for depicting so many deadbeat dads. Talk about setting
dads back a century or two.)
Want gender equality? By all
means, take it. But with it, let’s leave gender bias out of the single-parent
dating debate.
