Dear Bitter Single Guy: I pretty much know the answer to this question but I need someone objective to beat it into me. A little over a year ago I became involved in a lesbian relationship with a co-worker. First it was all hot and heavy sex in the company bathroom and sleep-overs almost every night. But because she just had left a long relationship she kept telling me she didn’t want to date.
Sometimes though, calling me her girlfriend, then other times reminding me weren’t “together.” Whenever I seemed to broach the subject, she got jumpy. I don’t know if this is because she just got out of a relationship or because she just wasn’t so into me but it seemed like she was from all the texts and sleeping over. Anyway we had a few major blow-outs that would end with her saying she just wanted to be friends but eventually we’d end up back in bed and seemed to be “dating” again.
A few months ago, after a blow-out I ended up sleeping with a man and getting pregnant. The night before I “took care” of the pregnancy I find out she slept with one of my close friends. I think out of feelings of guilt for what she did and what I was going through, she said she realized she loved me and wanted to “work it out” with me, even bringing up moving in together. Two weeks later I pissed her off and she dumped me….via text message. So there was no “work” behind the “working it out.” My question is should I be angry about getting strung along and why do people do that? And if I’m not over her, how can we friends? Granted we still work together…which majorly sucks! ~In Over My Head~
Dear IOMH: Gracious girl, you ARE in a pickle aren’t you? There is much to say here, but you’re not asking the BSG how to avoid getting into similar pickles next time (although he has some opinions there). Your question specifically is whether you should be angry about being strung along and why people act that way. Good question IOMH.
First it’s important to know that your Fickle Fig wasn’t likely trying to send mixed messages or string you along. She was trying to, as we all occasionally do, balance her head and her heart. Her head was likely telling her (and you, via her mouth) that a relationship was a bad idea, while her heart (and various other parts, apparently) were sending a very different message. This isn’t because Fickle Fig is a bad person, but is just because in order to broker peace between her head and her heart, she had compromised for both.
As this all progressed however, she had the chance to set some better boundaries and chose not to. It’s clear that Fickle Fig isn’t likely to set any useful boundaries where you’re concerned, so you and the BSG both know that it’s up to you.
Based on your experiences with relationships recently, the BSG recommends you spend some time single; hanging out with friends and taking care of yourself after some difficult times. If you miss the physical parts (so to speak) of your relationship with Fickle Fig (or the dude you slept with), well the BSG hears that there are appliances for that…appliances that always set good boundaries and never send mixed messages. ~BSG~
References
Always the Friend, Never the Good
Stuff
Dating Advice to the Advice Guy
