If you are one of millions of Americans
who have moved from the North to the South or East to West or even Austin to
Dallas, you know that there are dating different customs and expectations about
what to do when the check comes. Who pays? Who offers to pay but won’t be
expected to? When is the tab split? What does paying the bill signify anyway?
And what do you do if you handle it all wrong?
Let me start this post by saying, there
is simply no way I can please everyone on this topic. Some of you are going to
disagree and quibble with me about it. Bring it! As much as I have traveled the
country, interviewing and compiling dating information and customs, there is no
way I’ve hit the nail on every head… please leave a comment if you have
something to say… whether I got it right or wrong in your opinion… and lets get
the discussion going!
Lets
cover the who pays question first. Whomever
did the asking does the paying.
This has nothing to do with who is able to pay for it or who is greater or less
than in the eyes of society… this has everything to do with being the person
who initiated. If you initiated the gathering, you are the host and unless
specified before that you are going “dutch,” you expect to pay the bill.
From here on out, there is no “rule” and
plenty of exceptions to the “rule.” Let me put this idea out there… if you know
someone isn’t “from” where you are “from,” give them a break on this bill
paying thing. If the girl offers to split it and that offends you because you
were raised that gentlemen pay the bill or perhaps the girl doesn’t offer but
says thank you very sweetly and you are appalled that she would take you for
granted like that… perhaps consider that she may be from a part of the country
where men react differently than you do when a split is offered. I can’t tell
you how many women I talk to who feel like the axe of “damned if you do, damned
if you don’t” falls when that bill hits the table. And girls, the same goes for
you… if he looks at you inquiringly or wrestles you for the bill… go for
reacting with grace as opposed to offense as your knee-jerk reaction. I doubt
he is trying to offend you.
Some general rules of thumb on what to
expect where you are living or visiting:
§ North East: Both parties are expected to offer to pay
no matter who does the asking. Likelihood that the man will end up paying is
about 50/50 and much higher in NYC since NYC men tend to use that wallet as a
social standing symbol. Many Northeastern men consider the bill to be
reflective of how liberated you are as far as seeking equality. Boston daters
seem to be particularly fierce in their insistence that women pull out that
wallet and prove their equality and liberation. A hold over from the tea party days?
§ South East and South: If you are below the Mason Dixon
Line, expect the man to not only offer but likely be offended if the woman
reaches for the bill. The bill has nothing to do with equality and everything
to do with being “raised right” and being properly hospitable. If you are a
woman, that does not mean you get off scott-free. A man will be watching to see
how gracious and appreciative you are of his hospitality. Do NOT forget to
express your thanks and in the deep south, a thank you note the following day
wouldn’t surprise anyone. (Don’t make the mistake in thinking that Southern men
see women as “less than.” Nothing could be further from the truth, as any
Southern man worth his salt knows that Southern Belles have a spine of steel
under that gracious exterior.)
§ Midwest: Its pretty typical for a man to pay. In some
of the larger cities, women usually offer but an interested man likely will not
take her up on it. The bill in the Midwest is really seen as an extension of
how you were raised combined with an indicator of interest. If a woman insists on paying, it usually indicates a lack of
interest in a second date.
§ Texas: A mix of Southern and Midwestern expectations.
A woman usually won’t go wrong offering to pay but very rarely expecting to be
taken up on it. The larger cities sway a bit more towards a Midwestern
mentality, but if your date comes from small town Texas, expect Southern
manners.
§ Desert and Mountain States: You have entered an equal
opportunity bill pay zone. Women shouldn’t be too surprised when and if a man
takes her up on paying her share of the bill. More dutch dating on the whole
than most other areas of the country. The bill here seems to signify your
ability to take care of yourself. Self-sufficiency rises to the surface, perhaps
because the terrain encourages highly independent individuals to seek out life
in the extremes of sun and snow.
§ California: Most like the desert and mountain
self-sufficiency with a dash of male gallantry. Most men here will expect to
pay but won’t shy away from letting a girl pay her share when offered. If the
woman doesn’t at least make the offer to pay, it can easily be a deal breaker.
In economic difficulty, the “gallantry” goes out the proverbial window and it
becomes an almost chicken-like stand-off on who will pay the bill with one
party or the other conveniently leaving the table to see if the other will lay
down the plastic. If you are too gracious as a woman or man, you may not have
asked for the date, but you will be paying for it.
§ Pacific Northwest: Independent but pretty on track
with whoever does the asking does the paying. (Sam, maybe you can contribute
more here if you think I’m not quite right in my interpretation… *grin*)
§ Common Exceptions: Large transient cities, long term
relationships (tend to come up with your own system,) The Amish and alternative
lifestyles.
It helps in deciphering expectations if you know more about the person you are going out with… if she was raised in the South or by traditional parents, she’ll be shocked if you expect her to pay her share when you ask her out… not because she thinks she is “less than” or incapable of paying, but because — TO HER — it says you don’t want to treat her like a lady and with respect. If he was raised in the Northeast or mountains, offer your share because you know that — TO HIM — you are claiming equality, self-sufficiency and a lack of entitlement. But no matter who you go out with, show gratitude for their time whether they contribute to the bill or not.
If you did mess up and offend your date
with poor bill handling finesse, I don’t know what to tell you other than to
let that one go or suck it up and have an open conversation about what went
behind your behavior. But it’s hard to go wrong by remembering two things about
dating in America:
1. The asker pays
2. Graciousness and Gratitude cover a multitude of
mistakes
Like I said, there are exceptions to
every rule these days, so look for other indicators of ingratitude, being taken
for granted, irresponsibility or social inequity. The bill payment issue is
just totally mixed up in our country and most people don’t know whether to
offer or not or what that might mean to you.
Of course, you can completely dodge the
issue by simply going somewhere free.
