The End Is Always Bitter

Not ten minutes ago, once again I watched the last liftoff of the last ever shuttle. The Atlantis, on it's final 12 day mission to the International Space Station. Once the Atlantis lands for the final time, the ISS is going to be substantially less international, and we will be stuck thumbing lifts into orbit from other countries. Our world will get smaller again. That freaking sucks.

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And, as that oddly beautiful machine roared off the launchpad, I came to a bitter personal understanding. I am too damned old. Young enough to be fascinated by the idea of going into space while missing the excitement of real people standing on another freaking planet, but too old now to even begin to train to go up myself.
Without exaggeration, I can say I would give everything last damn thing I own or ever hope to own, including my partner and children, to be on the flight that launched today.

Selfish? Yeah, probably is. Deal with it. 

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Like every kid, I grew up with the iconic image of the Earth as a blue and white marble floating in space, watched good, crappy and totally terrible sci fi films and read probably far more than I should have as a jock. I write about space, study it, even dream about it. Foolish dreams, perhaps, but I can see the importance of spaceflight, and the sheer joy in going into a deadly environment to see what we can see, simply because we can, the thing that made a not particularly versatile species dominate it's entire planet.

That dream for me died for the final time today. Sure, space exploration will carry on. Just without us for a while. That sucks hard.

Yes, there are risks too, as the Challenger and Columbia disasters reminded us by rubbing our noses in it. But really, is anything and everything worth doing ever free from risk? Ask the stubborn pioneers that died opening up most of the country and turned desolate wastelands into homes. Ask the guys who fought to keep the world safe for democracy and multinationals. Ask the people who sit on a million tons of explosives to leave the planet for a few days. 

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There are triumphs too, in overcoming ridiculous odds to do something amazing. People doing things simply because they want to and can change the world. You may laugh, but it happened often enough throughout history for it to be considered the norm, not the exception.

"OK, MM, what the hell does you feeling old and betrayed and being a total space cadet have to do with me and my relationship problem?" I hear a few of you ask. The answer is abso-freaking-lutey nothing. Unless you are willing to read between the lines.

To summarise, for the TL:DR crowd - if you want something it is a risk. You may never get it due to bad timing or other problems. Meanwhile - I am going to mourn the loss of an opportunity to do something unique.

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