After hitting the sack with her potential paramour, a reader named Jess gave her an intriguing response, and she’s looking for a manslation to try to figure out why. So — why would a man, after sex (in which he participated) say, “I wasn’t expecting that”?
Could be a couple of things. Let’s see if we can figure out which one it is.
Hey Jeff,
I’m a sex-positive kinda girl, never got too hung up on the right number of dates before sex (yeah, ok, first date if the mood was right), have lots of tales and very few regrets.
Freaking hurray, yahoo, and huzzah for “sex-positive.” People would have so much more fun if they’d just have more fun. Safety first, mind-blowing fun second. Puritanical prudery, like, 900th.
Several times, I got a response from a guy that just baffled me, tho, so I just gotta ask.
Hey, if it’s only several times that you were baffled, bravo. Personally, I spend the vast majority of my day baffled.
Now, I’ve been known to INSPIRE unexpected behavior, but I am not a dominant and I certainly never forced a guy to do what he didn’t want to do. It’s a go-with-the-flow thing for me, if I’m feeling it. Which means, while I will enthusiastically meet him halfway, I typically let him initiate.
SO - what does it mean when he says, afterwards, “I wasn’t expecting that” ?
Ah, the oooold, “What the hey!? How on EARTH did THAT get in THERE?!”
If I had only heard that once or twice, I wouldn’t think twice, but I’ve heard that, well, more than once or twice 
And it always put me off. Like, he didn’t know foreplay might lead to sex?
And it always put me off. Like, he didn’t know foreplay might lead to sex?
Nope.
Like, he’s disappointed I said yes?
HEAVY on the nope.
Like, I went from madonna to whore?
Nah, I don’t think anyone still currently alive has this archetype in their head. If anyone ever did.
Like, I was the only one there?
This one, I don’t follow. But it’s not that either.
Or what??? When I hear this, it feels like he’s trying to weasel out of some kind of responsibility for Something .
I think we might have a winner. More in a sec…
… and I thought we just had a good time. There’s no one around the corner with a shotgun, dude…
Oh, like you know that for SURE?
On one occasion, I heard it BEFORE the deed. Seemed somehow to make a positive difference.
Interesting. And your gut reaction was likely right. A guy says, “I wasn’t expecting we were going to do what we’re about to do,” and it likely means that he’s psyched to go through with it. A guy who says it afterwards likely didn’t say SQUAT beforehand, for fear of spooking the prey.
Now, I have a not-boyfriend who’s my kinda guy… we giggled through the morning after sex (what was your name again?), and three months later have survived our mutual commitment-phobic hysteria, with, you guessed it, break-up sex, no wait, make-up sex. Never once have I heard “I didn’t expect that” from him, so this is not a current crisis. Just a curiosity.
Dear Jess,
Well, as I indicated above, I think your gut reaction was likely on the money. Not just because of my own experience with this phrase, but because you said that it was “off-putting.” I trust your instinct on this one. I mean, is it possible that a guy would say this and it wouldn’t mean he’s trying to back out the door? Of course, sure. He could just be informing you of his lack of precognition, sure. And there are some situations where a guy just wants to let you know that he wasn’t trying to pressure you or anything.
But not mostly. Lots of times, this is one of those code phrases.
THE EAGLE HAS LANDED…AND…UH…IT MIGHT NOT CALL
The manslation of “I wasn’t expecting THAT” after sex is usually that his brain is scrambling for the right thing to say. His mind, in these cases, is working overtime because his expectation is that for most women, sex = commitment (of some kind or another.) Right or wrong, that’s what a lot of guys think.
(Now, in your case, it happens to be wrong. You do it when you feel like it, and there may or may not be ANYthing attached to it besides the fact that, you know, sex is FUN. Which, you know, bravo YOU.)
Anyway, when a guy says this, it’s basically a VERY non-committal way to say, “Gol-ly, ma’am! That sure was fun!” even if he isn’t Gomer Pyle. He wants to let you know:
a.) He enjoyed it,
b.) He wasn’t expecting it, but most importantly
c.) Because he wasn’t expecting it, he should be given status as an innocent bystander of YOUR intention to have sex, and should therefore not be expected to maintain anything.
b.) He wasn’t expecting it, but most importantly
c.) Because he wasn’t expecting it, he should be given status as an innocent bystander of YOUR intention to have sex, and should therefore not be expected to maintain anything.
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU NOW KNOW MORE THAN HE DOES
Ten bucks says that most times the guy who says this has zero clue that this is what’s happening. It’s yet another one of those moments where he’s talking, but even HE isn’t listening. Follow his lead — don’t listen. This phrase doesn’t mean what it says, so don’t even listen to it.
Good luck, Jess. Sounds like you’ve found yourself a guy who DOES expect it, and I’m guessing he gets it, so forget all about this phrase. But if you hear it again, have some fun and say in your best Beverly Hillbillies accent, “Gawrsh, me neither. Ah guess we’d best get down to the preacherman ‘n git hitched right quick a-fore muh pappy gets home!”
Oh ladies…ever heard this one? Did the guy stick around afterwards?
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