A reader asks …
I am getting kind of confused with how to deal with this “sh*t testing.” It seems like it would be hard to find that balance between being an understanding and “not taking the sh*t from the girl.”
At the understanding side, someone could take that too far and end up being a door mat. But, on “not taking the sh*t from the girl” side, someone could take that too far and come across as insensitive of what the girl is going through or why she is reacting in that way. Thanks again,
Matt
Matt, I would say that you really need to assess the situation. I can’t give you a manual on all the situations a woman will engage in that will indicate that she is sh*t testing you. The action could be the same – yet the intention she has for it could be different. This is where you are really going to have to use your judgment.
It’s not a matter of, “Why is she really sh*t testing me” and more of a matter of, “How do I choose to respond to this?” If you always choose to respond with presence – you will win 100% of the time.
You need to pay attention to her reactions. If she says something and you make a joke about it to lighten the mood and she seems more resistant to you after that – then clearly it’s because she is experiencing an insecurity and needs to not only feel your presence but your compassion.
Now keep in mind that a woman is more likely to sh*t test to gauge your strength as a man during the initial stages of meeting her. Say you meet her at a coffee or club she will use sh*t testing as a barrier to fend of suitors which are not suitable to her at all. Therefore, you will more than likely encounter a small bitch shield. Maybe she will: display cold body language, won’t look you in the eye, or make a sarcastic remark. And, there are two places she could be. She really might not be interested in talking with you right then and there (sometimes women just are not in the mood to be picked up or to flirt with a guy no matter how appealing he may be) OR she may just be testing to find out whether you are worth her time. So she will throw a few little tests your way to see how you respond to them. When she sees that you don’t crumble, that you can hold your own, remain calm, cool , collected, and perhaps even make her laugh – she will be more than willing to stop what she is doing and divert her attention to you.
In the initial stages of attraction a woman will be predominately be testing to answer the question “Are you a man that is worth opening up to?”
After you have been dating a woman for a while tends to evolve and looks a little different from when you are initially trying to attract her.
Once you have developed a level of attraction and trust with a woman she will want to test and will be thinking, “Remind me that you are a man that is worth continually opening up to”.
So, you will find that she will express more insecurity based words or actions. Therefore, she may appear moody for no particular reason, she may nit pick on you, she may try to control you, and she may even withdraw to you. All of this is a subconscious process which is designed to gauge how you will react.
Now this is the part that most men miss. They think that when a woman withdraws, acts moody – that they need to respond with niceties or worse they need to walk around her on eggshells. The worse thing you can do to kill your attraction with a woman is to pretend something is ok when it is not. So here is what you need to do.
1) Acknowledge the sh*t test – communicate to her in whatever way you deem appropriate that you know exactly what she is doing.
Her: “You hair looks terrible today”
You: “I’m glad you noticed … I put a lot of effort into it” *sly smile* (in this process her comment should be like water off a duck back – it doesn’t phase you one bit”
2) Validate – An extension to acknowledging this process is about respecting her emotions – showing her that they are in fact important to you.
You: “So we both know this is not about my hair – why the pouty face?
3) Obliterate - Cut through her insecurities by revealing your strength to her – allow your strength and masculinity to be a rock wall she can lean on.
You: *In reference to the pouty face comment* You don’t want to pull that too long, premature wrinkles on the forehead won’t be in fashion for a very long time”
Trouble Shooting
Listen intently, allow her to express – be prepared to change her state using humor. Humor will also allow a woman to feel safe enough to open up to you. But first you must acknowledge and validate her current emotions. You don’t need to get “caught up and lost in her emotions” – you just need to recognize that they are there and allow her to express and say whatever it is that she needs to express and say.
Now a woman will only want to change her state and allow herself to be happy again if she has had sufficient time to “vent” (this means talk, express, get upset over” the very thing that is causing this insecurity. Once she had expressed this – she will have the mental and emotional capacity to move on, be happy and much more open and receptive to you. And, not a moment before.
Now, I’m writing this break down of sh*t testing for you guys, especially since I know that you are a little more advanced that the Average Joe out there. If I were to do a video of this on you-tube I would get a whole bunch of comments like, “Why do I need to put up with her sh*t”, “I need a woman who is less maintenance than this” and so on. And, possibly this thought may or may not have crossed your mind, too.
Note: These are advanced techniques and are based on the assumption that you guys are interested in not only understanding a woman’s need but anticipating them.
This is all based on the assumption that YOU Choose to be the smarter, more proactive part of the relationship and that you will take the leadership position to lead her into a relationship that will fulfill you both.
With that said I know that sh*t testing can be really confusing still to many of you and I would love to know what your thoughts are so I can help clarify any more concerns.
I’ve had my say, now it’s your turn!
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