Welcome back, ladies. Today we’ve got a variation on a theme that we’ve seen before, people. What happens when a woman does really, really well for herself, financially? Does this have an effect on men?
What do men really think of women who happen by accident of genetics or fear of poverty or whatever to be successful and well paid?
Dear Michele,
Interesting question, Michele, and it reminds me of the one about whether or not men are intimidated by strong women. But it adds the specific element of MONEY. Cash. Cold, hard, samollians. Clams. Er…greenbacks…oh…ok, I think I’m out.
Is a man affected by the fact that a woman is financially successful — more successful than he is, for example? The answer is:
MAYBE
Ok, let’s be a tiny bit more helpful than that, shall we, Jeff? Great.
First of all, he’s less likely to think about what YOU make, and more likely to think about the fact that maybe HE makes less. It’s the stuff about how it reflects upon him that you might come up against.
WHY MEN NEED TO MAKE MORE MONEY THAN WOMEN - USEFULNESS!
Look, not all men need to make more money than their woman. (Hell, if Liz wants to suddenly become a millionaire, I will be more than honored to help her spend it. I’ve had my eye on a scepter carved from a single gigantic ruby, and I just haven’t put together the scratch to grab it.) It does happen, though. It probably used to happen more than it does these days, but it’s still around. Why? What do men have at stake here?
- WHAT AM I GOOD FOR? This is a big one for a lot of men. Lots of guys think that they are only as desirable as they are CAPABLE. Some guys feels like if you don’t NEED them, you’re not going to WANT them. This is why we love to be able to set up the surround sound, format the hard drive, change the oil in the car, or whatever other “manly” areas of understanding there are. With money, there can be a similar thing.
- WHAT WILL THE GUYS SAY? Many, if not all, men are competitive in some way or another. With themselves, with their idiot friends, with whatever the standard is in their field. And if other people know that a man’s woman makes twice what he makes, he might get his share of jokes and jibes. Whether it’s true, false, outdated, or whatever, there IS a stereotype that the man is The Breadwinner. If the woman is making more, some people are going to see that not as a success for HER, but a failure for HIM. And they might let him know.
What do these two things have in common? INSECURITY.
If a man isn’t very secure in himself and/or if his circle of acquaintance can’t get over the 1950’s, one or both of these things might come into play. But what about a man who IS fairly secure in himself?
WHAT HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW THAT HE DOESN’T KNOW
The real answer is this, Michele. If you are a very successful woman, you might bounce up against some unexamined preconceptions he’s got about himself, life, gender roles, dinner rolls, etc.
As we all know, men often still make more than women in the same jobs. Obviously, that’s changing, but just as obviously it’s still around. (P.S. I’m sorry about that. It’s not my fault. I’ve never been a boss, and was therefore never invited to be involved in the Dread Patriarchy. I know I should try to ascend into that and change it from the inside, but…well, I like to sleep in…)
The point is that even guys who would be totally cool with a woman out-succeeding him might NEVER HAVE DATED ONE. He might have never had the chance to examine all of the stereotypes he’s got built in there about the Breadwinner, and what it says about a man that makes less than a woman.
SO WHAT SHOULD YOU DO IF YOU’RE SUCCESSFUL?
What do you do if you make a ton of cash, and are doing really, really well?
- DON’T APOLOGIZE FOR IT: Look, you make what you make. He makes what he makes. You shouldn’t have to pretend to make less than him. That won’t help him, it won’t help you, and who has the energy? Not me. (Though to be fair I haven’t gone to the gym as much as I should lately.)
- DON’T LORD IT OVER HIM, EITHER: Just as you don’t want to be playing down who you are and what you do, you don’t need to play UP that angle. It wouldn’t be very fun if he did that either. Powerplays in either direction rarely help a relationship. Unless your relationship is held during a hockey game (in which case, hey, slam him!)
- WHY DO YOU NEED HIM AROUND? You don’t need his money. But you do need/want him around right? And if you do, treat him that way. Don’t go out of your way to tell him how LITTLE you need him. Whatever it is that you DO love/want/need him for, just don’t forget to let him see that.
- COMPETE WITH HIM? I was going to say NOT to play up the competitive element in this, but some couples really get off on competition with each other. I’m not in one of those, and wouldn’t want to be. But some are and would. If you’re in a relationship that thrives on competition between the two of you, this might actually be a turn-on. Just know what works for YOU.
Good luck, Michele. I’d say just be who you are, and let him know why you want to be with him. No matter what you make vs. what he makes, that one always works with the right person.
What’s your experience, successful ladies? How do the boys treat’cha?
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