четверг, 28 февраля 2019 г.

The Backburner Burn



Often when I start a new relationship I become more insecure than I was when I was single. I worry that this new relationship that seems fulfilling and fun will flop and I will be disappointed. I worry that I won't be as fun anymore when I am a part of a couple. Because of this new found insecurity. I do something bad, and I know a lot of my friends do the same. We keep our backburner suitors, maybe too long. We don't cheat, we just forget to tell them we have a boyfriend. We would be furious, to the point of questioning our new relationship, if our new boyfriend had old chickenheads hanging around. But, in our defense we have no idea where this new relationship is going. We would hate to end these 'friendships' prematurely and have no one to dine and over-wine us out of misery. Plus, we don't want to scare off our new man by being overly committed, (some might find this clingy) right?

Sure we have taken ourselves off the market and we aren't hanging out with our old suitors but a status change hasn't occurred on facebook. No need to tell everyone we are taken. We didn't want to be exclusive with these suitors when we were single and had the chance. But like our old, one size too big, boot-cut jeans, we keep them around just in case the cheese and white wine pounds really start to build up. It's nice to know we have options and won't have to build a new wardrobe of men if things go wrong.

Also, it's comforting. There is a part of life that is more fun when you're single, the part where lots of people want to take you out for drinks and dinner, you can drink too much without anyone telling you that you are embarrassing them and of course you have plenty of time for friends . Flirting is fun (but not totally appropriate when you're in a relationship). If you already have a phone full of people who enjoy your flirting, why cut off communication with them too quickly?

While it's fun and makes you feel good to have these suitors texting you and calling you, you may find yourself dating these second-string sub-par suitors while thinking of your recent ex. It might just be inappropriate to keep these guys around once the commitment has been made. Even if you aren't cheating.



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пятница, 22 февраля 2019 г.

Verbal Abuse



Just as painful as physical abuse

Domestic abuse does not just consist of physical, it also includes verbal and emotional abuse. At one time or another, many people have been subjected to verbal abuse. Unfortunately, most people don't spot it. You are undergoing verbal abuse if:
  • When they say something that hurts you they tell you you're being too sensitive
  • Call you names and put you down
  • Make you feel bad or guilty
  • Hope for you to fail
  • Denies your reality
  • Is passive aggressive
  • Constantly criticizing you
  • Explodes at you with anger
  • Threatens you
  • Constantly orders you around
  • Tries to control your life
  • Tells you "you're blowing things out of proportion"
  • Emotionally blackmails/manipulates you
  • Accuses you of doing things you didn't do (such as cheating on them, lying to them, etc.)
  • Is extremely jealous
etc. These are all very indicative signs of verbal abuse. I personally was verbally abused by my ex boyfriend and it took 3 months for me to see the signs. I decided to take a break until he treated me better and it didn't work. I read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and it really helped me work through the situation and get out of it. Although, don't expect the person to change. If the person feels nothing is wrong limit your contact with them as much as possible. Don't be around someone who puts you down and doesn't appreciate you to the fullest.

My Personal Verbal Abuse Story

I was verbally abused by my father my whole life, but did not recognize it. His hurtful teasing seemed to be "harmless," though many times it made me cry. He'd get mad over little things and yell and intimidate me. But I didn't realize this was abnormal behavior for a long time. That's why almost every man I've been with has been verbally abusive and got away with it. I never spoke up because I didn't think there was a problem. Even though they made me feel bad I knew "they didn't mean it." Then I started dating my ex. Whenever he got mad he said hurtful things, but I just brushed it off because he was angry; again, "didn't mean it." But then I took a class on relationships and they helped me to realize he was verbally abusive, and not just when he was angry. Even when we were getting along he'd say things like, "the gap in your teeth makes you slightly unattractive" and "you could stand to lose one or two pounds/" I told him that he was verbally abusing me and I didn't want to be in the relationship unless he changed. He never changed, but I'm proud of myself for getting out of that situation.

Sources:


https://mahara.phil.hhu.de/view/view.php?t=r0GoXT1y3DaOuMqUtZYw A Little Baggage Goes Nicely with a Little Love
http://mahara.hu/mahara/group/view.php?id=900 How To Define Marriage Has Changed Over Time

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среда, 21 ноября 2018 г.

Fighting Foul And Fighting To Win




I don't fight often, it is a fool's game, but I also don't fight fair. Never have, since my first fight way back in Kindergarten. I don't believe in it. The few, very vague flickers of sportsman like behavior I felt got snuffed out in boot, active service and aid work, where "do unto them before they do unto you" is the whole of the law. 

 Now, two evenings a week, I teach self-defense classes to predominantly young women, and twice a month to abused women at the local shelter. That gets painful even with the padding. Some of those ladies have a lot of pain to work through, and I get the benefit of their rage.

Not formal martial arts, more street with several dashes of pure violence, nastiness and common sense. So, figured, why not expand my comment on the question and share some tips with you readers this week.

 I am gonna be terribly sexist here, and assume your assailant is much stronger than you. If you are stronger, just punch him out and be done with it.

Stay Awake


It isn't fair, but a lot of muggings, assaults and violence can be prevented by simply paying attention to your surroundings. Situational awareness, they call it. Automatically making risk assessments every waking minute of your day. Even simple things, like knowing who is around you, an alternative route and walking past an alley after dark on the curb of the sidewalk rather than in the middle of the sidewalk can give you an extra second to react. 

 One of the commoncomplaints about this idea is that you are somehow being asked to "live in fear." To which I say, spherical objects. You are being asked to actually pay attention, roughly the same amount of attention you pay to the road while driving in moderate traffic. That is it.

Being Held is Being Dead


You know how to kill a shark? Stop it moving. It dies. If that applies to the best designed predator on the planet, it certainly applies to you. 

 If you can't move, you can't fight. Simple. Someone tries to grab you or hit you, a good 99% of you will flinch back and throw your hands up in front of your face. Well done, you just offered a perfect hold on your wrists, instantly reducing two of your most effective weapons to complete uselessness. Keep one hand free no matter what. If it means taking a hit in the face, so be it.

Volume is Your Friend


You ever watched a bad martial arts movie? Is there any other kind of martial arts movie? One of the things they get right is to scream like an air raid siren who's virtue has been questioned. You should be audible 6 blocks away. It has two advantages. It may, if you are really lucky, call for help, or at least witnesses. It also dumps a gigantic amount of adrenaline into your system, getting you ready and giving you an extra power boost.

Anything is a Weapon


I am not talking concealed carry here. Most people who carry, according to both my cop friends and observation, don't know how to use and can't use if they need to. There is a huge difference between popping a few rounds off at the range and popping a few rounds into someone's body. They just feel invincible, until they get disarmed and shot by their own weapon.

 Mace or pepper spray is good, but has to be readily accessible. Someone attacking you is not going to wait patiently while you dig through your purse looking for it.

 Martial Arts are great, but you are not in a clean, well lit room with someone who obeys the rules, uses your style and respects the strict timing for bouts.

So lets look at basic force multipliers.

 You carry a purse? Satisfy my curiosity, go and weigh it. If it comes in at under 5 pounds I will be shocked. Getting hit in the face with a fear swung 5 lb purse is roughly equivalent to being punched by a middleweight boxer. 

 You wearing thin heels? You know you got a pair of bayonets attached to the strongest muscles in your body, right? 

 Wearing a coat? Slip it off and hit him in the face with it. If he is grabbing a double handful of coat, he isn't grabbing you. Keep backing away while swinging so he can't use it to pull you to him.

Look around you - you see anything at all you can hit him with? Use it.

The Weak Points


So he's grabbed you anyway. What to do?

We are all the same. Same strengths and same weaknesses too. 

You need to look at five places. Nose, lower lip, crotch, shins and feet. That is where the big pain is. Don't even think about trying for his eyes - it won't work, it'll just get you backhanded into semi conciousness. Ditto with hands. You can put someone in total, paralysing agony by twisting or bending their fingers - if you happen to be stronger than them. So don't try, all you are doing is offering your hands to him.

Nose and lower lip - Grab it, hit it, ram your fingers up the nostrils, twist it. If your hands are held, bite them hard. No guy can keep hold of you if you are hanging from his lip like a bulldog. 

Crotch - fairly obvious and instantly devastating, but for Pete's sake, use your knee, not your foot. Hit a guy hard in the jewels and he will clamp his legs together and fall over hard enough to break your ankle, or at the very least trap you until he recovers. Shins - Turn your foot sideways and rake your instep down his shin. It doesn't sound like much, does it? It hurts and puts him off balance. This one works no matter how you are being held.

Feet - finish your rake on his shins with a damn good stamp on his foot. Bonus points if you are wearing heels here. He'll not be able to chase you well after that. Which leads us to:

Running is not Cowardly


This is something that most women understand, but that has to be beaten (word intentional) into the guys in class. The entire aim of the above is to get you enough space to run and hopefully damaging him enough that he cannot run after you. We are not interested in giving the guy the beating of his life, we want you to get away. You aren't a cop or Paul Kersey, you are a normal person. The instant you get the chance, run like hell. That is your sole aim. 

You. Will. Run.

Sometimes You Lose


You can have more than two assailants at once, though not often outside the cities. If you can drop one of them fast enough, you have the chance to walk away in the confusion - don't run. Normally they are after your money, just throw your purse or wallet at them and run. Cards and cash are replacable. So are skin and bone, but that takes longer.
And sometimes you will lose. You ain't Frank Castle either, and you definitely can't get away with bringing a knife to a gun fight. The standard advice for anyone, male or female, confronted with a gun is to give them what they want. Keep watching for a chance to escape, and spend the time memorising everything about them. The more detail you remember, the more chance the guy will get caught.

So there you are. Some of these points are from my general SD class, the more violent bits from the SD class for victims of domestic assault and violence. They do not make you invulnerable. They do not turn you into a super hero, out to dispense justice. They need a cool head and a little practice to apply properly. If you wanna walk in downtown Detroit at 2 AM after reading this, you will have serious problems of your own devising.

"But how does this post fit with the Empowerment theme?" I hear you ask. Empowered people are not victims. They take responsibility for themselves, including their own safety and security. 
I'd encourage every last one of you to learn a Martial Art anyway, it is both useful and a much more fun way of keeping fit than going to the gym. It also gets you used to hitting people - something many find surprisingly hard to do. Most places offer self defense classes - look em up online or ask at your local police station (they have as much interest in you not becoming a statistic as you have) and take one or two.

And remember:
If you do have to fight, don't half ass it. The fight isn't over until your opponent is on the ground and in too much pain to chase you as you run. There is no such thing as compassion if someone attacks you.


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понедельник, 19 ноября 2018 г.

Dating and Relationships: It's a Growing Process



Last week I had an interesting conversation with a friend. We discussed the nature and status of our relationships (at the time) and discussed how we’ve grown in our relationship experiences. The conversation made me reflect the entire nature of dating, being in a relationship, and enjoying your time with another person. Very rarely does the first person we date, the first person we have sex with, or our first real love turn out to be the person we end up marrying. Everyone is often in different points of our lives, and mistakes are made: choosing the wrong person, having months of one-night stands, cheating, or not recognizing what we truly want. It’s thru these mistakes we grow, become “better” daters, getting stuck when we repeat the same mistakes.
We often forget that dating andrelationships, isn’t just about finding the right person, but also about growing up.
The way I look at women in my early twenties, is much different from the way I look at them now, several months away from thirty. In the past, I’ve chased after the hottest women, the one with the biggest breasts, the best shape, or the perfect legs. At that time, I wasn’t chasing the woman, I was chasing sex. In chasing sex, I’ve found myself on very bad dates and in very bad positions. Instead of finding women who were right for me, I was finding women who were right for a situation. The women I found and then women I wanted, were two completely different people. In many ways, I had to go thru these learning experience to evaluate what I wanted, and what I was finding.
Here’s a perfect example, if you’re single and you’re going to Vegas, you’re not going to find love. The person you meet in Vegas doesn’t get to come home with you. If you’re going to Vegas to find the one, not only are you delusional, but your priorities may be out of whack. Maybe you should begin looking for someone a bit closer to home (or say work.) What I’m trying to suggest is, at different times in our lives, we seek different things. Sometimes we seek love, other times, lust. When seeking love, you can’t act as if you’re seeking lust; when you do you learn a very powerful lesson, things don’t compute.
One of my dear friends recently told me, “Go forth and fuck!” Her point was more than just romping around New York City with anyone who could move. What she was telling me was to experiment, and not to be afraid of going thru this learning and growing process. That’s what the entire process is about, it’s a growing process.
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пятница, 16 ноября 2018 г.

Dating Is Hot and Cold


No one ever says, dating very mercurial, especially in New York City. It’s always assumed. There are moments when dates appear out of the woodwork, other moments when buying a date from the most desperate people seems impossible. This causes much frustration. I’ve always assumed dating would be a consistent flow of dates on a weekly basis, but that’s never the case, especially with online dating.

 It’s not easy to deal with the droughts, but they serve as powerful lessons and tests your resolve. Finding a date takes time and plenty of falling before finding consistent success. There are several techniques to help leverage the process, but it doesn’t prevent you from having a streak of bad luck. When I became frustrated with dating, I decided to make a few adjustments. I began changing the preferences of the women I sought, began going to different bars and events, I even tried to use social media. Thru a combination of these techniques, I would always find myself on a new dating adventure, trying something completely out of my element. I usually had fun and experiences new and interesting dating adventures.

 When you enter a hot spell, remember to maintain your balance. Don’t overbook dates and be sure you’re dating women with whom you have an interest. There’s a point where dating fatigue may occur; you risk going on so many dates it may burn you out or you may confuse your dates. Just because a million women want to date you, doesn’t mean you have to go on a million dates. Dating is meant to be an intimate process, not a rush.
To prevent feeding on the extreme’s, try finding a balance between the two. This requires wrapping your dating life around a schedule. Find a consistent day or time to call potential new dates, choose several dating profiles a week to send messages, visit your favorite stomping grounds, along with new venues. By keeping this balance, you’ll never live in the extremes for too long.


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вторник, 30 октября 2018 г.

You Can Choose Your Friends But You Can't Choose Their Nasty-Ass Lovers


Sometimes I sit in bed and wonder: why do so many good people date board certified assh*les and think that's the best they deserve? Every friend group has that one dear pal who somehow has it in her or his mind that their Jeff (prick) or Jackie (total monster) is actually a misunderstood "great person." How many times have you sat through a multiple Bloody Mary-Brunch hearing your misguided friend trying to normalize and validate why they're dating this ass-creature? Oh, you don't really know Jeff the way I do. I wish you would see him when he's not on drugs. Oh, Jeff is actually a mellow person; he just hates cars, trees and sidewalks.

And of course it's not just women validating their horrible men. Plenty of dudes drink the Kool-Aid their nasty women dole out. Jen is having a rally hard time at work. She normally doesn't tear into busboys with racists rants or make fun of my sister.

What's worse, sometimes you are drawn snack into it: Jen is very upset that you only thanked her four times for that cup of coffee. She is just so profoundly sensitive. I guess that's why I love her.

You stare back in disbelief. Is this really the best my friend can do? Depressed, you begin sucking the ice cubes from your finished Bloody Mary and licking the outside of the glass. Your friend, so close to you yet so far from reality goes on: but that's just Jeff around people. At home he is a totally different guy.

Really, friend? That works for you? Being in a relationship with someone who is only equipped to stay at home? Isn't that what plants and house cats are for? Boyfriends and girlfriends are supposed to be mobile. I promise you, look at the tag hanging off 97% of adults. It doesn't say, WARNING: flammable jerk off. Exposure to other humans dangerous. Keep away from daily life and reasonable expectations.
But you don't say that. Because perhaps it's still considered meddling or judgmental --unless they role up with a black eye or worse. Often they will resent you if you try some Oprah-esque intervention. You're dating a Neanderthal and he's turning you into a brain washed droid. They're either incapable or unwilling to smell the objective coffee - being too used to sipping the toxic blend that got them into this mess.
So your buddy keeps on keeping on with their Jeff or Jackie. Making endless excuses for their boyfriend or girlfriend and setting the bar for both of them so low, you nearly trip on it when you guys all hang out. Wasn't Jen fun tonight? Your buddy asks you. NO she wasn't fun; she just didn't verbally degrade you more than twice. That's called fun?
At the end of the day we resign to do what all good friend should do. Be there for our pal, but respect where they're at and follow their lead. Can that be cringey and disingenuous? Maybe, at times. But I suppose we should have faith in our friends. Faith that with enough support they'll come around; faith that the rope of sanity is still within their reach and with enough time they'll be able to read the tea leaves and get the F out.
Additional resources:




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вторник, 23 октября 2018 г.

We Won't All Makeup, But Can We All Get Along?



Of the 100+ answers I've gifted upon the Loveawake dating site blog, no answer has gotten as much community quarreling, friction and emotional response as last week's makeup question. The simple question "do men actually notice if a woman has makeup on or not?" started a firestorm in the blogosphere, unparalleled since The Great Justin Beiber New Hair Cut Divide of... the same week.

Some women felt attacked, feeling that their use of makeup meant they were hiding their true selves, manipulating the dating playing field and/or being a straight out hoochie mama. Some guys chimed in to say they love their lady in makeup; they love their lady without makeup; they can't always tell the difference. Some women said they themselves love the natural look, but don't feel any disdain, judgment or threat by those who rock the cosmetic.
The one thing universally agreed upon was that the women with a face of caked on makeup bring themselves down and give a bad name to the entire cover up family.

I think what we also discovered is that while putting on makeup is a personal choice it is often applied for others - for work, for men, for societal norms, and the insecurity of being discovered as "flawed."
Who is more flawed, the person with a huge zit on their nose or a person who won't leave the house because of a huge zit on their nose?

That might be the bigger crux of the matter and what some people in the comment chain feel irritated by; the notion that women need to mask and doll up for the world. In this sense it's not makeup we are talking about, but war paint. Defending oneself against the slings and arrows of judgment.
My bottom line remains, if putting on eye shadow or lipstick makes YOU feel prettier, more appealing and gives you a pop in your mirror, then go for it. If it becomes a weapon of mass concealer then the issue is skin deeper and probably won't be solved in the aisles of Sephora or MAC.

In a Funny (Guy) turn of events, I singled out Kim Kardashian for being a 24/7-makeup hound in my initial post, only a few days later she made headlines for stepping out of her compound sans makeup.
In a week of revolutions in the Middle East and devastating earthquakes it's nice to know some journalists remain committed to bringing the public more important stories.

 Related content: Dating tips |  Relationship experts | Online dating advice
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