Will he come back?

 

Dear Readers, 

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Dear Guys,

I met an Australian guy on New Year’s and we went out at the end of January. I was very hesitant to begin a relationship or even date since I knew there was a possibility that I would be moving at the end of summer (about 8 hrs away). I also had other personal issues that I was dealing with.

This guy was so amazing that I started dating him anyway, and within a matter of a few months I fell for him. This is the best guy I have ever met and the best relationship I have ever had. I am 28 and he is 30. He pursued me and was also the one to ask for the commitment. This was after we found out that I would be moving in June. We always said that long distance was manageable and that we don’t date just to date. This was something serious.

Well around the end of May—about a month before the big move—I became very emotional. I was sad to be leaving my friends and this amazing guy that I felt that I was in love with. I was leaving to further my career in residency (a two year commitment) and I even considered not going. However I felt that I had to leave to increase my job satisfaction which was at the time very low. But we said distance wouldn’t matter, as long as it was right. However I feel that my intense emotions of wanting out relationship to progress and survive the distance and my sadness in leaving may have begun to push him away.

Things were harder before the move and they continue to be now. I don’t know anyone in my new city and have relied on him for happiness. I haven’t been very happy but I’m slowly adjusting, which I think is normal after a big life change/move. I feel like my emotional stress caused further strain on our relationship. He knows full well I am ready to meet “the one” and so is he. Well this week he broke up with me. He says that he doesnt feel 100% committed to the relationship and that his emotions have hit a wall. However he says that there may be hope for the future after we have some time apart. And he says he is not saying that to “sugar coat” the break up and I believe that. There is seriously NOTHING wrong with our relationship. Only that he hasn’t fallen in love with me the way I have with him. The issue is that I still think it’s early (despite the way I’m feeling) and that love could still come in time. It’s only been 7 months. And he says he cares about me so much and wanted so badly for it to work. He says this arrest of his emotions has been growing over the last month. I have been away for two. I just think that he may feel this way because I have been so emotional. I feel that if I had played it cool, he wouldn’t feel this way. I have regrets.

So my question is, what is your take on this situation? Do you really think there is a chance for us? A chance for him to miss me during this non-communicative period of time? Should he know? Or are these the normal emotions that one goes through during this 6-7 month period that has been exacerbated through distance? I so hope that absence makes the heart grow fonder. We are each other’s best friend and I just really feel that love could grow. But then again, maybe I’m being a silly girl and need to accept that fact that if he was going to love me ever, he would not feel this emotional block now, regardless of the circumstances.

Bridget

Dear Bridget,

Thanks for your question.

First of all you should have no regrets. For what? For being honest with yourself and him? Why wouldn’t you feel sad for leaving? Sure, you might be embarking on a new and exciting chapter in your life, but that doesn’t mean you’re not going to feel mixed emotions about leaving behind some people whom you love. And if this is what drove him away from you, then the relationship didn’t have as much going for it as you perceived.

Having said that, we still think it’s possible for the two of you to reunite, but you shouldn’t ignore the fact that he doesn’t feel about you, the same way you feel about him. And for guys, probably more so than for women, this doesn’t typically change. We tend to “know” right away if the potential is there for a serious relationship. So if he was already feeling a bit unsure, your emotional outpourings just gave him an opening to end things. (But they didn’t CAUSE his change of heart regardless of what he might say.)

Sure, distance can make the heart grow fonder. We’re sure your guy is missing you. But keep in mind that distance also makes people forget. It’s likely your guy will start to remember all the qualities he loved about you and block out why he wasn’t sure in the first place. But that doesn’t mean he’s truly changed his mind about how he feels. The only way you’ll really know how he feels will be if the two of you live in the same city and really give it a go. (But didn’t you do that already?)

Our suggestion is for you to try to be open to new possibilities in your new city. Try to focus as much as possible on your career and all the new people you are meeting. (We know this will be difficult) Because all you can really do now is wait and see what happens. We wish you the best.

Good luck,

Are we “Friends with Benefits” (FWB) or does he want something more?

 

Dear Readers,

Thanks for all of your questions. We’re doing our best to answer as many as we can. Please be patient.

However, if you need a quick response, another option is to submit your question using the Private Answer option on our site. Questions we receive in this way always get a prompt and private response via email within two business days. (There is a fee for this service, so no pressure, but this option seems to work well for many people.)

While you’re waiting for your question to be answered, you might check out some of our e-reports for some useful information about the seven most frequently asked questions. (See our site) All the best,

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Hi Guys,
Thanks for reading this as I really could do with a male perspective. I’m a little confused!

Beginning of December I met this guy when I was out one night. He’s a friend of my sister’s. I said hi and carried on with my night. But then out of nowhere he just pounces on me and pretty much snogs my face off. Okay, we were both drunk so I didn’t think much of it. That same night he comes back to my place and we stay up talking, hugging, and kissing but no sex.

Anyway so we start seeing each other twice a week, and eventually get down and dirty. All is good. After the first week of “seeing” him he tells me he doesn’t want anything serious as he’s just come out of a relationship and is still hurt. Fair enough, but I’m surprised at his honesty so early on. Three weeks later, he’s at my place and we are chatting and he tells me that he has realized that he is over his ex. I say that I’m pleased for him—cause he was hurt about it—and leave it at that.

So, last Friday I was invited to stay at his place. We stayed up all night talking etc 😉 He was asking a lot about my previous relationships and generally a lot of personal questions. At one point we were giving each other a lot of banter and I said something like, “You wanna get the Hoover in here sometime!” (Note to readers: THE GUYS think she means a vacuum cleaner.) He said that was a job for me. To which I replied, “That’s not the job of a weekend (Blank-another word for having sex).” So then his face dropped and he sat down really quietly and just looked at me. I asked him if he was okay, he said no I had pissed him right off! I asked what I’d said or done wrong. Apparently it was the weekend (blank) comment. I pointed out that that was what we did so I didn’t get his reaction at all. He then said, “Yeah I know but you obviously don’t realize that I do actually care about you.” I said, “Okay we’ll be friends with benefits then.” But then he said he didn’t like that term being used for us. So I just left it at that.

Next morning he gets a text saying his dad, sis and bro are coming round to his place. (His family is very close.) I say that I should probably head off then, but then he says there’s no need for me to go and that he’s sure they would like to meet me. So I stayed, met them—it seems that they were already aware of who I was—and went home a few hours later. Later that day he texts me and asks how I’m feeling and that his family really liked me.

So tell me…what is he thinking? What does he want? Does he want to go further but is maybe putting it off because of his ex-girlfriend? Any advice would be appreciated, especially as it’s from a male point of view!

Also just to add, I have a little boy who is 6, which he was already aware of as we knew each other before. He was very keen to meet him which I kept putting off until just recently. (He questioned me a lot about why I was doing that!) They get on well when he’s here.

Another point to add. When we first met he said he was hoping to go to America in May to work and was awaiting an interview. He got the job. He said to me the other night that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go anymore and maybe he would stay and get a proper job. Obviously this could be nothing to do with what what’s been going on between us but I thought it might help to paint a better picture.

Also, FYI, I am 29 and he is 25.

I can’t thank you enough for reading this and really look forward to your reply!!

Louise

Dear Louise,

Thanks for your question.

Any guy that encourages you to meet his family is likely interested in more than just a “Friends with Benefits” arrangement. And the fact that his family already seemed to know about you means he’s been telling them all about this great girl he’s been seeing.

Part of the confusion here is that this relationship started off at a bar, with drink in hand, and sex on the mind, instead of beginning on a more traditional path of, first date, second date, third date, etc. But the good news is you’ve still managed to arrive at a good place with mutual respect still in tact.

From where we stand he’s into you. But it’s likely he’s a little gun shy since he’s coming out of a broken relationship. But here are the telltale signs that he’s thinking seriously about you.

1. He says he genuinely cares about you.

2. He gets hurt when you label the relationship as “FWB.”

3. He wants you to meet his family.

4. He is accepting of your son.

5. He’s not sure he wants to go to America anymore. (And don’t kid yourself. This is definitely about you!)

So maybe the more pertinent question Louise is, what do you want? If he wants to be in a committed relationship with you are you open to that? Does the thought make you excited? Scared? It’s important for you to have this conversation with yourself and truly ask yourself how you feel about this man. Because not only will your answer impact you, it will also impact your son.

If you really want to take this to the next level you might need to be the one to initiate that conversation since he’s probably a bit shaken from his recent breakup. But from what we can tell, he seems like he’d be very open to talking about it.

Leave us a follow up comment, or feel free to ask us a follow up question. (See comments below. We’ll respond here as well.)

Is Our Dating Advice Right For You?

Is the advice here at DateMasters right for you? It’s not for everyone, that’s for sure.

Of course, me and the other guys here have really incredible dating lives with women who are not only hot, but also wonderful people as well, so, our strategies work very well for us. We’ve also found that these strategies work well for guys who share similar values and goals as us. Is it right for you?

Here are some ways to tell if DateMasters advice is right for you…

If you’ve made a significant emotion, financial or time investment to learn a model of Chasing women and are really, really enamored with all of it (ie, Pick Up, Game, Natural Game, etc), then the strategies we teach at DateMasters may offend you by challenging your underlying beliefs.

If you want to go ahead and try mixing and matching persuasive ‘get the girl’ tactics with our stuff anyway, you might have to do some mental gymnastics to convince yourself that you really are doing what we recommend.

If you enjoy the feeling when you try to persuade women to like you when they initially don’t, then using Identification to pick out the women of beauty and accomplishment while disqualifying the rest is something that probably won’t work for you.

Any attempt to persuade when using an Identification based model for understanding your interactions with women will more than likely work poorly. If you feel that your success depends upon your ability to change the minds of women, then it may be very difficult for you to give up that feeling.

If you think of women as prey, targets, flags, or notches, then Identification will probably not be appealing to you. The strategies for finding, meeting, dating and enjoy our time with high-value women of exceptional beauty and accomplishment that we teach at DateMasters do not include techniques for tricking women into sleeping with you, or convincing them to like you.

If you believe that finding women who are already into you right from the get-go (regardless of whether it can get you more and better women) is merely “the numbers game,” “fool’s mate,” or inferior because it’s not “real pick up,” then the advice we give here is not for you at all. Having a healthier and improved love life, more and better sex, as well as more attractive women in your life may not be enough to compensate for the feeling that your  “Game” isn’t what’s persuading her.

If you find it very difficult to try something that is very different from what other people seem to be doing, then you might not be able to try many of our strategies.

If you are uncomfortable with the idea of talking to large amounts of women in a short time, and taking “No” for an answer from most of them, then our advice may not be for you. In our experience, the best way to find “Yes” is to learn to accept “No” and move on (and to know the difference between yes and no).

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Teaching Him the Difference Between Sex and Making Love

Ohhh, we’ve got a complex little request here today, ladies. Kirsten just got engaged, and he’s a.) a virgin, and b.) he only knows what he DOES know from watching…ahem…adult cinema.

She wants to know — why do men think that “sex” and “making love” are the same, and how can she tell him the difference?

ok here’s the deal….my fiance and i just got engaged a little over a month ago…i don’t know how to explain to him the difference between sex and making love to him…he says he’s never made love to a woman and to be honest he learned how to have sex by watching porno so we can both i agree that that’s out…i don’t know why alot of men think sex and making love are one in the same…and i don’t know what to tell him to do to make love to me… see my crisis????? please help!!!

Dear Kirsten,

Well, I’ve got good news and bad news for you. No, scratch that. I’ve got mildly frustrating news and fantastic news for you. Let’s start with the bad news:

Bad News: NO ONE KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THESE TWO THINGS

Nobody. Anywhere. Absolutely no one besides YOU knows exactly how and where you draw the line between sex and making love. I’m guessing that’s why you think that men “think they are one and the same”. I sure don’t know the difference as far as what YOU think about it. I literally have no idea what you mean. I can try to imagine what you mean, but I’m positive that I’d only be sorta right, and only in a very general way.

And if I were, say, a virgin (like some fiances you might know), oh boy would that distinction make me nervous as hell. I mean, he’s already got the burden of, “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing” on his shoulders. Now he’s got, “And even if I figure something out…how in the crap am I supposed to tell if it’s making love or just sex?!”

And of course there IS no way for him to know. Because there’s no definition there. It’s only your definition that matters here.

Great News: IT’S GONNA BE WICKED SUPER FUN TO TEACH HIM THE DIFFERENCE

See, here’s where being engaged to a virgin could be really fun (said the manslator even though he was pretty thankful he, himself, was not.) Yeah, I just read that parenthetical, and I’m absolutely sure it’s got to be a little nervewracking.

But here’s the thing: the man wants to marry you. He asked and everything. He has decided to spend the rest of his life with you. This is a good sign that he, you know, kinda likes you. And wants you to be happy. And he wants HIM to be happy. This is a great chance for you to tell him, “Listen, those…er…training films you watched? They’re not for women. I know the women in them seem like they’re having fun, but you don’t pay me as much as they get paid, so…”

Ok, ok, let’s start over. Seriously, this time. There’s no reason not to tell him, “Listen, real sex isn’t like in those movies. Well, hey, maybe it is for somebody, but not for ME anyway. That’s the thing. It’s different for everybody, it’s not like you can learn anything from anyone but YOUR person. And what we’ve got to do is to teach each other how WE do it, that’s all. And we love each other, so it’s going to be so easy. And, you know, fun.” And then, you can tell him what you like, what you want him to do, how you want him to do it, what you want to do to him. And he gets to vote on what he wants YOU to do, too, see. It’s win-win, here.

I have a VERY difficult time believing that he’ll have a problem with this conversation. I mean, sure, it’s going to seem a little awkward at first. But that’s only because you’re talking about something deep and important. And fun. I mean, people don’t go skydiving because it’s relaxing. They go because it feels really, really weird, and that’s fun. Either that, or they just like falling out of stuff. Anyway, not important.

The point is, don’t get hung up — or more importantly don’t get HIM hung up — on the differences between sex and making love. To a first-timer, that’s going to sound suspiciously like the differences between “right” and “wrong.” And sex is no fun if you’re being graded on it. As my friend Alexis once said, “Everybody who takes their pants off wins!”

Good luck, Kirsten. I know it’s got to be a little stressful here. But I swear, if you give a guy half a chance to learn a little something with the understanding that if he pays attention in class, it will make you absolutely crazy-hot-lovey-happy? Uh, yeah, he’ll be happy to show up for every session.

Oh ladies? Ever taught a man the difference between sex and making love? How about naughty and nice? Paper and plastic?

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The Power of A “Thank You…” & Its Simplicity

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He Won’t Call Her His ‘Gilrlfriend’, 5 Months In!

We’ve got a variant on the Non-Boyfriend. This French guy seems to be behaving exactly like a boyfriend — all but the name. They’ve been exclusive for 5 months, but he won’t call her his girlfriend. And when she asks why, he won’t really tell her. What’s this about? Why the resistance to that word?

The request is a bit long, so I’ll just print the end of the letter that seems to sum it all up pretty well. (The full text is, as usual, at the bottom of the post.)

When I ask why he can’t give me that, he won’t say why, just that he needs time.

Maybe it’s because he doesn’t trust me? He thinks I flirt with everyone and wear revealing clothes to attract attention. Or maybe he just doesn’t want a relationship? When we were just friends he would always say that he’s not a good guy, that he doesn’t know why he treats women “the way he does”, and that I wouldn’t want someone like him as a boyfriend.

I’m a good woman and treat him very well. He’s a good man and he treats me well. We’re not perfect, but for the most part what we have is very special. So what’s stopping him from giving me that title? I’m not asking to get married…I just want a title. We’ve known each other for a year, have been exclusively seeing each other for half of that time and before that were great friends. He says that I have nothing to worry about and that titles aren’t everything. My response? “If they aren’t that important to you then just call me your girlfriend.” I’m right. Right?

I don’t know if I can take this much longer. Maybe I’m wasting my time? Should I jump ship and save myself before it’s too late?

Please help!

Thanks,
Annabella

Dear Annabella,

Couple of interesting things going on here. Your first thought is that maybe he doesn’t trust you, and it does seem possible, given the stuff you mention. But it seems all the more possible given what happened earlier in your relationship. Here’s the quote I don’t totally get:

Eventually I could no longer ignore my feelings and the thought of him being with anyone else literally made me sick to my stomach. I wasn’t sure if he felt the same, after all a man should pursue the woman right? So if he cared, he would not want me seeing other people. So I told him that we could still be friends but I was getting in too deep and needed some boundaries – basically no cuddling or kissing and spending a bit less time together. The jokes, the conversation, and hanging out could be 95% the same. I thought this was logical and fair – a GREAT compromise – but he told me I was “moving us backwards, not forwards”.

I have to say…I kind of agree with him. I could be just misreading this, but it seems that you’re saying that when you started having strong feelings for him…you dumped him. I mean…that’s what this says, right? Ultimately he boomeranged back with…

A week passed and he told me that he did not like this change, that he missed our cuddle time and kissing, that we should elope, that he wanted me to have his kids.

Uh…wowie. And then…

I told him to think on it for another week. Well after a week he realized that Vegas wasn’t a good idea and that he didn’t even want to commit. I asked why we couldn’t even be a couple? He said he wasn’t ready but that we could become exclusive.

Now…I’m not saying that it wasn’t a good idea to hit the brakes at “elope” and “kids” but he might have taken this as ambivalence on your part. I mean, you had just demoted him to “friends” a couple of weeks before, right? And when he came back with his crazy, probably way-over-the-top ideas about getting married and putting babies inside you, you told him to wait a week. Again — I’m not saying it was a bad idea to tell him that. I’m just saying, is it possible that he’s a little nervous that you’ve got one foot out the door?

So, add in the fact that he thinks you dress sexy and flirt with other dudes, I’d say that yeah, it’s totally possible that what you’re sensing in him is a lack of trust.

“I’M NOT A GOOD GUY” — Manslation: “NO, REALLY. I’M ACTUALLY NOT A GOOD GUY.”

Now, you say that he treats you really well (other than the whole refusal of nomenclature thing you’ve got going.) But when you were just pals, he said the above. Listen, when a guy says he’s not a good guy? Listen to that man. He is NOT LYING.

That said, he’s treating you really well. And he talks like he wants to be with you forever. My guess? What you’ve got right ch’ere is that elusive creature: the Reformed Player. Sounds to me like when you met, he was a bit of a dawg. But now that he’s with you, he likes you, but isn’t used to a.) feeling that way about a woman, and b.) having someone else have so much power.

See, a player has all the power. He retains all the control in any “relationship” he’s in. (I put that word in quotes because the only way that these arrangements are “relationships” is that they probably involve having “relations.” And possibly on a ship. Who knows? I don’t know where he does his business.)

But in your situation, YOU have exerted quite a bit of control, to the point of essentially ending things when the terms weren’t acceptable. Sounds to me like you’re driving the ship, and from the perspective of a Reformed Player it probably seems even MORE like that.

WHAT NOW?

Well, I certainly don’t see this as a “jump ship” kind of situation. It seems like he’s definitely behaving like he’s on board with being with you, you’re exclusive, all of that. But what’s up with this word he won’t say? Well, I think it might be his way of holding back at least one chip in this “game.” As in, he feels like you hold all the power here. He knows you want this. He feels like if he gives it to you, you’re not going to have any more reason to want anything from him, and bail out (again, I might add.)

Remember, if he really is a Reformed Player, he’s sailing in very, very new territory here. (I promise that is the last nautical term I’m going to use today.) Seems like he isn’t doing anything that says “one foot out the door.” But this might, to him, feel like the last piece of control he’s got.

What he needs to hear is why you would like to hear this word. There are obviously reasons in his head why he does NOT want to call you that. When he finally hears that your real and full reason for wanting to hear “girlfriend” isn’t whatever bad thing he’s imagining it is, it might ease the pressure. If he feels like you want it as a “test” for him (and hey, let’s not pretend that’s never happened in the world, ok?) or if he feels like what you really want is something else and the word girlfriend is a way to edge him towards that (ditto there) then sure, he might feel nervous about saying it.

Good luck Annabella! I think what the two of you need is to equalize the atmosphere around that word. In his world it means one thing, in yours it means something else. I think if you can open your airlock door a little bit and let him know where you’re really at, and see where he’s really at, you can at LEAST move the conversation into the real world, and see where you stand.

Ahoy, ladies! (Dang, just had to do one more nautical term. Though the “airlock” one probably counts in a way. Crap!) What’s in a title, anyway? Should she stick around to find out?