Ohhh, we’ve got a complex little request here today, ladies. Kirsten just got engaged, and he’s a.) a virgin, and b.) he only knows what he DOES know from watching…ahem…adult cinema.
She wants to know — why do men think that “sex” and “making love” are the same, and how can she tell him the difference?
ok here’s the deal….my fiance and i just got engaged a little over a month ago…i don’t know how to explain to him the difference between sex and making love to him…he says he’s never made love to a woman and to be honest he learned how to have sex by watching porno so we can both i agree that that’s out…i don’t know why alot of men think sex and making love are one in the same…and i don’t know what to tell him to do to make love to me… see my crisis????? please help!!!
Dear Kirsten,
Well, I’ve got good news and bad news for you. No, scratch that. I’ve got mildly frustrating news and fantastic news for you. Let’s start with the bad news:
Bad News: NO ONE KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THESE TWO THINGS
Nobody. Anywhere. Absolutely no one besides YOU knows exactly how and where you draw the line between sex and making love. I’m guessing that’s why you think that men “think they are one and the same”. I sure don’t know the difference as far as what YOU think about it. I literally have no idea what you mean. I can try to imagine what you mean, but I’m positive that I’d only be sorta right, and only in a very general way.
And if I were, say, a virgin (like some fiances you might know), oh boy would that distinction make me nervous as hell. I mean, he’s already got the burden of, “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing” on his shoulders. Now he’s got, “And even if I figure something out…how in the crap am I supposed to tell if it’s making love or just sex?!”
And of course there IS no way for him to know. Because there’s no definition there. It’s only your definition that matters here.
Great News: IT’S GONNA BE WICKED SUPER FUN TO TEACH HIM THE DIFFERENCE
See, here’s where being engaged to a virgin could be really fun (said the manslator even though he was pretty thankful he, himself, was not.) Yeah, I just read that parenthetical, and I’m absolutely sure it’s got to be a little nervewracking.
But here’s the thing: the man wants to marry you. He asked and everything. He has decided to spend the rest of his life with you. This is a good sign that he, you know, kinda likes you. And wants you to be happy. And he wants HIM to be happy. This is a great chance for you to tell him, “Listen, those…er…training films you watched? They’re not for women. I know the women in them seem like they’re having fun, but you don’t pay me as much as they get paid, so…”
Ok, ok, let’s start over. Seriously, this time. There’s no reason not to tell him, “Listen, real sex isn’t like in those movies. Well, hey, maybe it is for somebody, but not for ME anyway. That’s the thing. It’s different for everybody, it’s not like you can learn anything from anyone but YOUR person. And what we’ve got to do is to teach each other how WE do it, that’s all. And we love each other, so it’s going to be so easy. And, you know, fun.” And then, you can tell him what you like, what you want him to do, how you want him to do it, what you want to do to him. And he gets to vote on what he wants YOU to do, too, see. It’s win-win, here.
I have a VERY difficult time believing that he’ll have a problem with this conversation. I mean, sure, it’s going to seem a little awkward at first. But that’s only because you’re talking about something deep and important. And fun. I mean, people don’t go skydiving because it’s relaxing. They go because it feels really, really weird, and that’s fun. Either that, or they just like falling out of stuff. Anyway, not important.
The point is, don’t get hung up — or more importantly don’t get HIM hung up — on the differences between sex and making love. To a first-timer, that’s going to sound suspiciously like the differences between “right” and “wrong.” And sex is no fun if you’re being graded on it. As my friend Alexis once said, “Everybody who takes their pants off wins!”
Good luck, Kirsten. I know it’s got to be a little stressful here. But I swear, if you give a guy half a chance to learn a little something with the understanding that if he pays attention in class, it will make you absolutely crazy-hot-lovey-happy? Uh, yeah, he’ll be happy to show up for every session.
Oh ladies? Ever taught a man the difference between sex and making love? How about naughty and nice? Paper and plastic?
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