We’ve got a variant on the Non-Boyfriend.
This French guy seems to be behaving exactly like a boyfriend — all but the name. They’ve been exclusive for 5 months, but he won’t call her his girlfriend. And when she asks why, he won’t really tell her. What’s this about? Why the resistance to that word?
The request is a bit long, so I’ll just print the end of the letter that seems to sum it all up pretty well. (The full text is, as usual, at the bottom of the post.)
When I ask why he can’t give me that, he won’t say why, just that he needs time.
Maybe it’s because he doesn’t trust me? He thinks I flirt with everyone and wear revealing clothes to attract attention. Or maybe he just doesn’t want a relationship? When we were just friends he would always say that he’s not a good guy, that he doesn’t know why he treats women “the way he does”, and that I wouldn’t want someone like him as a boyfriend.
I’m a good woman and treat him very well. He’s a good man and he treats me well. We’re not perfect, but for the most part what we have is very special. So what’s stopping him from giving me that title? I’m not asking to get married…I just want a title. We’ve known each other for a year, have been exclusively seeing each other for half of that time and before that were great friends. He says that I have nothing to worry about and that titles aren’t everything. My response? “If they aren’t that important to you then just call me your girlfriend.” I’m right. Right?
I don’t know if I can take this much longer. Maybe I’m wasting my time? Should I jump ship and save myself before it’s too late?
Please help!
Thanks,
Annabella
Dear Annabella,
Couple of interesting things going on here. Your first thought is that maybe he doesn’t trust you, and it does seem possible, given the stuff you mention. But it seems all the more possible given what happened earlier in your relationship. Here’s the quote I don’t totally get:
Eventually I could no longer ignore my feelings and the thought of him being with anyone else literally made me sick to my stomach. I wasn’t sure if he felt the same, after all a man should pursue the woman right? So if he cared, he would not want me seeing other people. So I told him that we could still be friends but I was getting in too deep and needed some boundaries – basically no cuddling or kissing and spending a bit less time together. The jokes, the conversation, and hanging out could be 95% the same. I thought this was logical and fair – a GREAT compromise – but he told me I was “moving us backwards, not forwards”.
I have to say…I kind of agree with him. I could be just misreading this, but it seems that you’re saying that when you started having strong feelings for him…you dumped him. I mean…that’s what this says, right? Ultimately he boomeranged back with…
A week passed and he told me that he did not like this change, that he missed our cuddle time and kissing, that we should elope, that he wanted me to have his kids.
Uh…wowie. And then…
I told him to think on it for another week. Well after a week he realized that Vegas wasn’t a good idea and that he didn’t even want to commit. I asked why we couldn’t even be a couple? He said he wasn’t ready but that we could become exclusive.
Now…I’m not saying that it wasn’t a good idea to hit the brakes at “elope” and “kids” but he might have taken this as ambivalence on your part. I mean, you had just demoted him to “friends” a couple of weeks before, right? And when he came back with his crazy, probably way-over-the-top ideas about getting married and putting babies inside you, you told him to wait a week. Again — I’m not saying it was a bad idea to tell him that. I’m just saying, is it possible that he’s a little nervous that you’ve got one foot out the door?
So, add in the fact that he thinks you dress sexy and flirt with other dudes, I’d say that yeah, it’s totally possible that what you’re sensing in him is a lack of trust.
“I’M NOT A GOOD GUY” — Manslation: “NO, REALLY. I’M ACTUALLY NOT A GOOD GUY.”
Now, you say that he treats you really well (other than the whole refusal of nomenclature thing you’ve got going.) But when you were just pals, he said the above. Listen, when a guy says he’s not a good guy? Listen to that man. He is NOT LYING.
That said, he’s treating you really well. And he talks like he wants to be with you forever. My guess? What you’ve got right ch’ere is that elusive creature: the Reformed Player. Sounds to me like when you met, he was a bit of a dawg. But now that he’s with you, he likes you, but isn’t used to a.) feeling that way about a woman, and b.) having someone else have so much power.
See, a player has all the power. He retains all the control in any “relationship” he’s in. (I put that word in quotes because the only way that these arrangements are “relationships” is that they probably involve having “relations.” And possibly on a ship. Who knows? I don’t know where he does his business.)
But in your situation, YOU have exerted quite a bit of control, to the point of essentially ending things when the terms weren’t acceptable. Sounds to me like you’re driving the ship, and from the perspective of a Reformed Player it probably seems even MORE like that.
WHAT NOW?
Well, I certainly don’t see this as a “jump ship” kind of situation. It seems like he’s definitely behaving like he’s on board with being with you, you’re exclusive, all of that. But what’s up with this word he won’t say? Well, I think it might be his way of holding back at least one chip in this “game.” As in, he feels like you hold all the power here. He knows you want this. He feels like if he gives it to you, you’re not going to have any more reason to want anything from him, and bail out (again, I might add.)
Remember, if he really is a Reformed Player, he’s sailing in very, very new territory here. (I promise that is the last nautical term I’m going to use today.) Seems like he isn’t doing anything that says “one foot out the door.” But this might, to him, feel like the last piece of control he’s got.
What he needs to hear is why you would like to hear this word. There are obviously reasons in his head why he does NOT want to call you that. When he finally hears that your real and full reason for wanting to hear “girlfriend” isn’t whatever bad thing he’s imagining it is, it might ease the pressure. If he feels like you want it as a “test” for him (and hey, let’s not pretend that’s never happened in the world, ok?) or if he feels like what you really want is something else and the word girlfriend is a way to edge him towards that (ditto there) then sure, he might feel nervous about saying it.
Good luck Annabella! I think what the two of you need is to equalize the atmosphere around that word. In his world it means one thing, in yours it means something else. I think if you can open your airlock door a little bit and let him know where you’re really at, and see where he’s really at, you can at LEAST move the conversation into the real world, and see where you stand.
Ahoy, ladies! (Dang, just had to do one more nautical term. Though the “airlock” one probably counts in a way. Crap!) What’s in a title, anyway? Should she stick around to find out?
