Prove you can
take care of her, and she’ll be putty in your hands.
It’s
a quarter to midnight in Paris. The summer streets are full of laughter and the
sun set only half an hour ago. Uniformed waiters are offering carafes of
wine. Back at Marie’s apartment it’s still not
clear whether I’ll be sleeping on the couch or the bed.
But I’m tired. I just arrived in Paris after a month in the south of France.
My plane home leaves in three days.
If I make the wrong move those could be
a difficult three days. We have dinners planned, I’m supposed to sign books at
Shakespeare & Co. tomorrow and meet with my editor from L’Optium.
But she sits down next to me. This is the first time we have been alone
together. And I realize that under her sundress she ne porte pas de soutien-gorge.
And so I debate making the offer…
“You are asking for and building trust.
At the time you are asking for trust, you are also asking another person to
disrobe and turn their back to you. This can be fun. It can be terrifying. But
what it should not be is awkward.”
A massage is like a glass of wine. It’s
great to offer her after a long day. It can be refreshing. It can be fun. It
can lead to sex, or even easier to a nice nap. But giving a woman a good
massage is something more akin to a palm reading. You’re exploring her, reading
her body, learning how she is in her skin. So, like a horoscope, it needs to be
personal and it should reflect who she is. But it needs a good structure.
And this is one of those times where
knowing what you’re doing, working confidently and methodically, can make any
amateur man into a godlike figure. Forget navigating the wine list, forget
having heated bathroom floors or flowers in every room of your house. They’re
nice. But if you really want to show a woman you can take care of her, you need
to up your massage game. Which is something I have done for years, but I
realize now that I should get some professional advice.
So I asked Rachel Beider, LMT, owner of
Brooklyn’s Massage Williamsburg for some tips…
1. Talk to your partner.
“Ask her where she has pain or tension. During your
massage, make sure to focus on those spots in particular.”
Massage takes the lactic acid from
stress, athletics and other unsexy things from the reaches of your body and
moves it through the body to the—
“Nope. That’s a myth.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Here’s some info about the lactic acid myth from the NY Times.”
“I have been using that in my massage
bedside manner speech for at least 10 years.”
Apparently knots are caused by layers of
muscle that get “stuck.” They leave you sore
and stiff. Massage works to undo that.
Let’s let the expert get into it:
2. Set the mood.
“Choose a quiet room, light a candle, play some
relaxing music and get comfortable. If your partner prefers to be seated, put a
pillow in her lap for support. Make sure she’s warm and comfortable.”
And the candle works for one simple
reason: It’s an excellent light to be naked in. Flattering. Quiet. It’s the
Instagram filter of the bedroom.
Also the massage surface must be firm.
Tempur-Pedics, futons, even a yoga mat on a firm surface with a towel over it
works in a pinch. Speaking of which…
3. Have towels on hand.
If this is your first time touching her flesh, you
want the towel for a number of great reasons. It shows you care about her
comfort and modesty and it will keep just-rubbed areas warm while the muscles
cool down.
Here’s how it goes down: You hand her a
(clean) towel and say, “I’m going to step out and wash my hands, why don’t you
take your shirt off and lay down on your stomach and we’ll begin.” A massage
therapist is not going to stand around checking his phone while she disrobes
and puts her bracelets someplace safe and neither should you.
4. Speak as much as possible.
Be direct and clear. How you handle yourself is just
as important as how you handle her. “I’m going to start now.” If she has a bra
on, let her know you’re going to unhook it for her and leave it there like
she’s sunning her shoulders.
“A massage therapist is not going to
stand around checking his phone while she disrobes and puts her bracelets
someplace safe and neither should you.”
5. Use proper oil.
It has to be there. Talcum powder is also suitable.
But keep in mind that this is a woman’s skin. This is a good one for home court
advantage on her part because you can put a cream she already likes on places
she can’t reach. Sun tan lotion is a fun replacement in the winter because it
smells like warm days.
Years ago I bought a legit bottle of
scented massage oil and I usually offer either that or a regular grocery store
jar of coconut oil. Girls always choose the unscented coconut oil. It’s great
for the skin and at the end you don’t feel like you need a shower. Personally,
I see this as an indicator of what she hopes to get out of the massage. A woman
who wants your hands on her later will usually choose for the one that doesn’t
have herbs and spices in it.
The great thing about coconut oil is
that it’s thick viscosity means you have to rub it together with your hands and
get it warm to work. It feels like hard chapstick. This is a good reminder for
all guys attempting the massage: You have to warm up the oil in your hands. Do
not, under any circumstances, just squirt the cold bottle of topping on her.
She’s a woman, not a hotdog.
“Rather than starting with lots of
movement or technique, warm your hands by rubbing them together, and then let
your fingers slowly sink into her shoulders and see what you feel. This is
called palpation—it’s like the difference between looking at words
on a page, and actually reading them.” Beider says. “For a massage to be truly
exceptional, you should start by feeling what’s happening with your partner and
responding to it.”
6. Ask questions.
This is where the curious man will never get bored.
Women who work at desks have a lot of stress in their shoulders. Waitresses
have burnt triceps. “Do you wear glasses at work?” I find myself asking if she
has a lot of stress in the neck. This is pretty much the easiest and best
possible time to tell a woman what you’re feeling.
The body is a bit of a crystal ball in
that sense. “You have a lot of stress in your lower back. What do you think
causes that?” Everyone. Everyone. Everyone likes being told that they must put
up with a lot to have knots in their shoulders. It’s like when your
boxing coach complains that his hands hurt after he took the mitts off and you
say, “A boxing coach noticed!”
7. Work that body.
I studied anatomy in school, but this is a great
chance to use what you’ve picked up over the years from personal trainers,
sports trainers and ER doctors when you’ve gotten injured. Sometimes vocabulary
is the best medicine. If you’ve pulled a shoulder before, tell her about the
stress to her tendons. Ask about her sports history.
“The flipside is that if you leave her
there on a table in the cold dark room and stop for even 30 seconds she won’t
feel relaxed at all. How is she supposed to know you aren’t taking pictures
with your phone or are suddenly disgusted with what you see? (Don’t be that
guy). ”
There’s one thing missing from all
amateur massage guides, and I want to take a second to address it right now:
You are asking for and building trust. At the time you are asking for trust,
you are also asking another person to disrobe and turn their back to you. This
can be fun. It can be terrifying. But what it should not be is awkward: Talk, tell
her when you’re going to warm up some more cream, keep a hand connected to her
when you reach for an extra towel. Make it fun and make her feel like you can
take care of her.
The flipside is that if you leave her
there on a table in the cold dark room and stop for even 30 seconds she won’t
feel relaxed at all. How is she supposed to know you aren’t taking pictures
with your phone or are suddenly disgusted with what you see? (Don’t be that
guy).
For the same reason that you can’t
tickle yourself or do your own chiropractics, a good massage is beyond what
someone can do for him- or herself. Keep that in mind. That’s why you have her
lie facedown.
When massaging the lower body, work from
her feet up—the Achilles, calves, hamstrings and thighs. Maybe you’ve rubbed
your calves or shoulders after a workout. But have you ever given your own ass
a rubdown? If I could do that I would never leave the house.
Work at all times in small circles up
the circulatory system. Wikipedia has some charts. Get an anatomy app. The
fantastic Essential Anatomy 5 is
probably the priciest app in my phone, but at $24.99 it’s still cheaper than a
textbook or a class. It beats my copy of Grey’s Anatomy.
Here’s a simple thing to remember: all
things being equal, you want long strokes for long body parts and intricate
ones for intricate ones. Legs and lats need long vertical rubs; fingers, ears
and necks need smaller, circular rubs.
Use the areas of your hand differently
as you fan out from bone to muscle. Use the palm around the spine, the pads of
your hands on the ribs and just barely use the fingertips on the flanks (a.k.a.
the sideboob region).
Try to be firm-but-not-too-firm, like
the mattress. A weak massage is as unsatisfying as a weak handshake. But
there’s a limit. “Too much pressure is stressful,” notes Beider. “I always tell
clients we want ‘delicious pain, not scary pain.’ ”
“I like to leave the neck and head for
last, because these areas are sensitive and will be easier to work on if the
rest of the body is feeling relaxed.”
The head massage is probably the most
underrated of all. You can do it on a long plane ride or while someone else
runs the grill on vacation.
And this concludes the pro-advised
portion of this guide.
Normally that would be the end and I
would tell you to hone your craft. Do some hand massages. A patient partner
will be happy to help you practice. So try that. Maybe do a short one this week
to build your confidence.
But here’s one thing I learned that
astonished me: There are myriad laws to protect clients and masseurs. Sometimes
a person who goes to a massage parlor isn’t there for a foot rub, if you know
what I’m saying. In New York it is a felonyjust to give a massage
for pay without a license. (In the eyes of the law, it’s the same as being an
unlicensed dentist). For this reason most LMT’s have to deal with laws about
draping and nudity.
This means that even a professional
masseuse can massage her pecs, but not her breasts. This means she’s counting
on you, guy. Breast tissue carries with it just as much stress as anywhere
else. They need gentle kneading and care.
Back in Paris now. Marie is facedown on
the bed in just a pair of French knickers. She looks like Bridgette Bardot
sunning her shoulders in Monte Carlo. At the very end I tell her to just relax
there for a minute. Her body just went through a huge experience, and the
pressure to reciprocate might undo that. I drape a towel over her and bring a
glass of water (dehydration can cause sore muscles).
When I get up to leave the bedroom she
asks me to stay. And the next three days were the best part of the whole trip…
