Is dating easier for single dads than single moms? A lot of
folks in the blogosphere seem to think so.
Chrissy at Glamour’s Storked! laments
the marketability of a single dad who appeared on
ABC’s Bachelorette.
Seems he got a ton of fan mail that Chrissy as a single mom doesn’t get. Her
readers jumped right on the band wagon, saying single moms have it tougher than
single dads.
Then there’s Matt
Logelin, single after his wife tragically passed away with the
birth of their child. He wrote that society has mythologized the
good single father, and women daily send him emails saying they’d love to be the
woman in his life. He posits that a woman in his shoes wouldn’t get the same
attention.
Call me the lone dissenter, but dating is
NOT easier for single dads than single moms. That’s
been my experience, at least, and I’ve been at this game for eight
years running.
Now before you break out Occam’s razor and question whether I’m
date-able, know that I’ve had post-divorce dating success – a few serious
relationships and tons of short term flings. Women tend to like me.
But finding someone to enter my family for the long haul has
been a challenge.
I’m guessing Chrissy’s Bachelorette got a
ton of fan mail because of the nature of that show. It
attracts female viewers who would love a man of their own. Chrissy’s blog
caters to moms.
Matt blogs that there are a lot of women who
would love to adopt his built-in family. With all due respect
to his departed wife, perhaps his being a widower is a factor. Any woman who
joins his family will be the woman
in his family’s life. For me as a divorced man with half-time custody, any
woman joining my family will certainly be the woman in my house, but will take
second fiddle to the biological mom when it comes to the kids. Most women want
no part of that. (Yes, I realize there are exceptions. But those women haven’t
tended to come my way.)
Besides fantasizing Matt as the perfect husband and father, some
women might fantasize themselves in the role of nurturing mother and wife. They
simply can’t do that with me and my kids. One woman I met on match.com said she
wouldn’t date me because if she entered my life, she wouldn’t have a role. The
kids already have a mom. I already take care of the family and home. What’s
left for her to do?
Plenty more women have told me flat out they
won’t date me seriously because they don’t want a
built-in family, but then say they’d love to be my booty call
friend with benefits.
I’m not saying single dads have it tougher than single moms. I’m
saying it’s probably about the same. Dating as a single parent is
complicated. Period.
(For the record, my ex-wife is dating someone right now. She’s a
single mom. Sure, she has half-time custody and therefore time to date. But so
do I. The issue isn’t time, it’s finding someone who accepts our co-parenting two-home situation.)
Which brings me to a bigger point. As
a single dad deeply involved in my kids’ lives – caring for them, cooking,
cleaning, volunteering in schools, etc. – I run into gender stereotyped
discrimination all the time. The schools send notices to mom but
not to me. The doctor’s office calls mom but not me. A mom friend
who came for a BBQ brought a wagon full of food because she worried I can’t
cook (I’m fairly accomplished.) It’s frustrating. Women
I’ve encountered see me as different. Their husbands don’t cook and
clean and take care of the kids. Instead, those dads tend to work long hours
and leave the household and parenting duties to the mom. Some women have
even suggested this makes me unmanly. Whatever.
Broad generalizations that lead to societal
myths are damaging to involved dads like me as we try to
don the non-traditional role of single care provider. (I’ve already said my two
cents about DadGoneMad admitting he dreaded alone time with his kids,
and I’ve bemoaned the entertainment media for depicting so many
deadbeat dads. Talk about setting dads back a century or two.)
Want gender equality? By all means, take it. But with it, let’s
leave gender bias out of the single-parent dating debate.
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