пятница, 3 июля 2020 г.

The Mac is Bac(k) and Totally Married!


Hello all!
Well, Liz and I are back from the honeymoon, and boy was it WAY too short. Oh, you all know Liz, right? You know — my WIFE? (Still so weird and cool to say.) Some folks have requested some pictures. I’ll figure out a way to do that at some point, but here’s one quick one for now:

That’s me and my totally radiant and beautiful lady fair, standing with the Rev. And yes, I’m wearing jeans. (My little niece who wasn’t there asked about this several times.) It’s ok, they’re from Banana Republic. As is everything else I’m wearing, now that I think of it. Man, in this picture I’m pretty much a mannequin from there. That would be embarrassing, except that I have a head and their mannequins don’t. All in all, I think I win on that count.
Here’s another one of Liz and her dad waiting to walk out for the hitchin’:
Who married that beauty? That would be me.
The wedding was…well, it was eventful, let’s say. What I mean is, we got what we deserved for trying to have a “no drama wedding.” We only had about 15 people there, we had it Liz’s parent’s house, simple, simple, simple. Everything went unbelievably smoothly, all was perfect, everything was just the sweetest, most meaningful and awesome thing ever…
…right until one of our guests collapsed and was rushed to the cardiac intensive care unit at the hospital. During the middle of the ceremony. Seriously.
Don’t worry, don’t worry — he’s totally ok now. It was mostly related to the fact that he wasn’t fully acclimated to being about 7,000 feet above sea level. And who is? But, ah, holy crap was it ever scary for a day or so there. And what a great reminder that you need to do/say/act on whatever you want to, like, NOW.
And it just goes to show that there IS no such thing as a “no drama wedding.” It’s like unicorns and fat free fig newtons. Sounds possible, but it ain’t. You can make it as smooth as a baby’s hindquarters, but sooner or later something…er…exciting’s gonna happen.
But even given the CPR-sized bump in the road, our wedding was the best. Great people, great cake. We were married by an old childhood pal of Liz’s, Rev. Sarah Halverson, who was (and still is) hugely involved in attempting to defeat Prop 8 in California. Keep fighting the good fight, Rev!
And the honeymoon was so much fun. We stayed at a spa out in the middle of nowhere called “Ojo Caliente,” which I definitely recommend. But then we did one of the coolest things ever….
AHOY, HUMANS! WELCOME ABOARD THE EARTHSHIP!
We spent one night in an “Earthship,” Which is a 100% self-sustaining house. By that I mean that it is 100% off the grid. No electricity but from solar panels. No water but what’s caught off the roof. No active heating OR cooling. And no compromises at all on ANY of it. Plenty of power, super warm even though it was 23 degrees outside. And in pretty much the most beautiful place on the planet, right outside of Taos, NM. We want to live in one of these things, stat.
Seriously, if you’re ever near Taos, look up our new pal, Jill at www.heliohouse.com and see if she’s got a night available for you to stay there. Reasonably priced, and totally cool place to stay. And Jill was just the best. She answered all our crazy earthship questions and then some!
Anyway, we’re back in Brooklyn, missing the desert like crazy, grateful for all our great family and friends who came to our wedding…AND as if that wasn’t enough– Liz is now not only my lady fair, but my 100% enwifened one. And I couldn’t be happier about the whole thing. The past couple of weeks have been the best of my life, and I just expect it to get better.
I missed you, my manslatees, devotees, and devout worshippers! I’ll be back tomorrow with your regularly scheduled manslations!
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четверг, 2 июля 2020 г.

What do Men Think of Well Paid Women

Welcome back, ladies. Today we’ve got a variation on a theme that we’ve seen before, people. What happens when a woman does really, really well for herself, financially? Does this have an effect on men?
What do men really think of women who happen by accident of genetics or fear of poverty or whatever to be successful and well paid?
Dear Michele,
Interesting question, Michele, and it reminds me of the one about whether or not men are intimidated by strong women. But it adds the specific element of MONEY. Cash. Cold, hard, samollians. Clams. Er…greenbacks…oh…ok, I think I’m out.
Is a man affected by the fact that a woman is financially successful — more successful than he is, for example? The answer is:
MAYBE
Ok, let’s be a tiny bit more helpful than that, shall we, Jeff? Great.
First of all, he’s less likely to think about what YOU make, and more likely to think about the fact that maybe HE makes less. It’s the stuff about how it reflects upon him that you might come up against.
WHY MEN NEED TO MAKE MORE MONEY THAN WOMEN - USEFULNESS!
Look, not all men need to make more money than their woman. (Hell, if Liz wants to suddenly become a millionaire, I will be more than honored to help her spend it. I’ve had my eye on a scepter carved from a single gigantic ruby, and I just haven’t put together the scratch to grab it.) It does happen, though. It probably used to happen more than it does these days, but it’s still around. Why? What do men have at stake here?
  • WHAT AM I GOOD FOR? This is a big one for a lot of men. Lots of guys think that they are only as desirable as they are CAPABLE. Some guys feels like if you don’t NEED them, you’re not going to WANT them. This is why we love to be able to set up the surround sound, format the hard drive, change the oil in the car, or whatever other “manly” areas of understanding there are. With money, there can be a similar thing.
  • WHAT WILL THE GUYS SAY? Many, if not all, men are competitive in some way or another. With themselves, with their idiot friends, with whatever the standard is in their field. And if other people know that a man’s woman makes twice what he makes, he might get his share of jokes and jibes. Whether it’s true, false, outdated, or whatever, there IS a stereotype that the man is The Breadwinner. If the woman is making more, some people are going to see that not as a success for HER, but a failure for HIM. And they might let him know.
What do these two things have in common? INSECURITY.
If a man isn’t very secure in himself and/or if his circle of acquaintance can’t get over the 1950’s, one or both of these things might come into play. But what about a man who IS fairly secure in himself?
WHAT HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW THAT HE DOESN’T KNOW
The real answer is this, Michele. If you are a very successful woman, you might bounce up against some unexamined preconceptions he’s got about himself, life, gender roles, dinner rolls, etc.
As we all know, men often still make more than women in the same jobs. Obviously, that’s changing, but just as obviously it’s still around. (P.S. I’m sorry about that. It’s not my fault. I’ve never been a boss, and was therefore never invited to be involved in the Dread Patriarchy. I know I should try to ascend into that and change it from the inside, but…well, I like to sleep in…)
The point is that even guys who would be totally cool with a woman out-succeeding him might NEVER HAVE DATED ONE. He might have never had the chance to examine all of the stereotypes he’s got built in there about the Breadwinner, and what it says about a man that makes less than a woman.
SO WHAT SHOULD YOU DO IF YOU’RE SUCCESSFUL?
What do you do if you make a ton of cash, and are doing really, really well?
  • DON’T APOLOGIZE FOR IT: Look, you make what you make. He makes what he makes. You shouldn’t have to pretend to make less than him. That won’t help him, it won’t help you, and who has the energy? Not me. (Though to be fair I haven’t gone to the gym as much as I should lately.)
  • DON’T LORD IT OVER HIM, EITHER: Just as you don’t want to be playing down who you are and what you do, you don’t need to play UP that angle. It wouldn’t be very fun if he did that either. Powerplays in either direction rarely help a relationship. Unless your relationship is held during a hockey game (in which case, hey, slam him!)
  • WHY DO YOU NEED HIM AROUND? You don’t need his money. But you do need/want him around right? And if you do, treat him that way. Don’t go out of your way to tell him how LITTLE you need him. Whatever it is that you DO love/want/need him for, just don’t forget to let him see that.
  • COMPETE WITH HIM? I was going to say NOT to play up the competitive element in this, but some couples really get off on competition with each other. I’m not in one of those, and wouldn’t want to be. But some are and would. If you’re in a relationship that thrives on competition between the two of you, this might actually be a turn-on. Just know what works for YOU.
Good luck, Michele. I’d say just be who you are, and let him know why you want to be with him. No matter what you make vs. what he makes, that one always works with the right person.
What’s your experience, successful ladies? How do the boys treat’cha?
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четверг, 25 июня 2020 г.

Did She Scare Him Off?


Well, a reader named Ellen has kept herself off the market for a while. She finally broke down and went out with a guy, and he pulled a Fade on her. She’s wondering what she did wrong, if she scared him off.
I’m guessing she’s not quite as scary as she thinks she is, but let’s find out for sure.
hi…got a question for you…
I really don’t understand this..but maybe you can help since you`re a man.. I`m from Norway..:)
Ok, I am right now warming up my “man-to-Norwegian-woman” vocabulary. Gentlemen, start your umlauts…
Ì`m a single 33 year old mum, single in my 3rd year.. kept myself from men,since it doesnt seem like I`m so lucky with them..
Is it that way, or is it the other way around — you’re not so lucky with them because you keep yourself from them? Did I just blow your Scandinavian mind, Ellen? It’s ok, it happens.
I met a guy,that I knew who was,but didn’t really know..(on Facebook) but I live in a town where everybody knows everybody,so I knew who he is… I thought he looked like a nice guy,not the guys I usually met before I become mum..
It all sounds good, except that Ted Bundy looked like a nice guy as well. You can’t always judge a book by its nice cover. (Well, except for MY book, which you should all judge to be lovely by its nice cover. And then you should be purchasing it, like instantly if you ever hope to be happy with your existences. I mean it — it’s just that important. )
we chatted a little bit,then calls…he was really sweet and I was glad to met someone like him.. he is also a single dad,so had much in common.. We had good chemistry from the first meeting,which was in my place..( Never been a guy there,other the kids father) We talked and had a real good time..this happened for a week..But he didnt send me any texts the days we were apart,and I got little bit insecure,but he called me and said that it didnt mean that he didnt like me… so on sunday he came on a little hi-how are you-trip over to me,and kissed me and said he saw me tomorrow… I thought I should have sent him a good-night text,but didnt,since was coming next day.. I texted him the day after..and no answer,then I called..but he didnt pick up…
Hrm. Strange. If I understand this correctly, he did come over, but then AFTER that, he didn’t respond or pick up. Mm. Not a great sign, that. Let’s see what happened next.
I did the same thing today,and said in the text,that I deserved a little explanation..but nothing…what happened? Did I scare him off..?
Nah, that doesn’t really happen, Ellen. I’ll explain more in a sec.
I`m so sad,cause he is the first guy I liked in many years,and he made me think the feeling was mutal..we didnt have sex,but talked about it..He had also been single for 3 year,and was looking for something lasting.. but he also told me he had been a real player when he was younger.. and had been hurt by the ex,who he has kids with..
Right. Not always a great sign when the guy is listing for you all the reasons why he might not be such a great relationship-er.
he was so kind and good to me..told me,if it would come down to it,that he couldnn’t commit in a realationship, he`ll tell me so,and we would be friends..
Ah yes. The “can’t commit” excuse. That one…we sometimes say that one because we know you’ve read that we feel like that sometimes. As in, “It’s not YOU, it’s the whole COMMITMENT thing that’s the problem.” It’s a way to bail out without being the Bad Guy.
Is this the case,when you want to dump someone,but dont have the guts to do it face-face?
This might very well be that very case, yes.
or at least on a text on the phone? can someone be that cold? Didnt he want me,since I didnt seal the deal right a way?
Nah, I sincerely doubt that. You both talked about the sex as a possibility. No, I don’t think this is it.
Or didnt he want the same thing?
I think this is more likely the case. The two of you weren’t on the same wavelength, from what I’m reading. Doesn’t sound like there was an “event” that stopped this thing. He just wasn’t feeling it.
did he get scared since I`m serious,and sensitive when it comes to realationships,that maybe I was a little too keen?
I really don’t think so. Maybe he was sensing that you were into him, and he didn’t want to get in any deeper knowing that. But that doesn’t mean that there was something you could have done differently, or that you did something wrong.
a lot of questions runs through my mind now,cause I just dont understand…
Ellen…
Dear Ellen,
Well…you got dumped. That’s why this one really sucks. This isn’t great, no matter what. But here are a couple of things I see:
  • YOU DIDN’T BLOW IT: I’m not seeing anything in his behavior that says that some THING happened. Unless you left out the part where he stopped calling you right after you showed him your collection of severed heads, you did fine. (And if you did that, kudos for being so trusting, but ah…maybe take up a different hobby.)
  • THIS IS HOW IT GOES: Since you’ve kept yourself off the market for the most part, you may not know this, but this is how things go out there. You go out a few times because…why? Well, for the purpose of seeing if you’re feeling it, right? First couple of dates, you just might not know. That’s what they’re for.
  • DON’T GO NUTS: The last thing you want to do is to go down the rabbit hole of “What could I have done differently?” Don’t go down that rabbit hole. And don’t go down any real rabbit holes, either. There’s nothing interesting down there but rabbit poo and used fur. The only thing you could have done differently was go out with a different guy. If you think you can “scare a guy off,” I promise, you don’t have the kind of power you think you do.
  • DON’T LET THIS STOP YOU: Here’s the biggie. Keep getting out there, Ellen. And because you now know that this is just how it goes, maybe just alter your approach a little. Look at the first couple of dates as GATHERING INFO. You’re going in there not to get this man. You’re dating to find out WHAT you feel about this man. And to get a sense of what he feels about you. And if somebody backs off, you or him, well, that’s the information you learned.
Good luck, Ellen. I’m sorry it happened this way, but just remember — the vast majority of dates do not lead to relationships. So the more pressure you can take OFF of the date to be that One, the more fun you can have, and the better off you’ll be.
What say you, ladies? What happened here? Sound familiar at all? Hello?
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среда, 24 июня 2020 г.

Confused, Afraid of Commitment, or the Wrong Guy?


A reader named Rebecca just can’t quite figure it. She moved in with this guy, but he won’t commit to being her boyfriend. That’s right. They LIVE together, but he won’t call her his GF.  Oh, and she’s dated other men. Fine by him.
Just what in the holy mother eff is going on here? Well, let’s get acquainted with this situation. At that point, Manslations are go.
Hi Jeff,
I just recently came across your site, and thought this might be worth sending your way because I’m at my wits end. I started seeing this guy in February of 2007. I fell for him quickly. However, it seemed as if he wasn’t into making a commitment to me.
I’d never been on this end of the rope before, and even though the smart thing would have been to dump him, we continued to see each other. However, neither of us admitted it was a relationship. (We’re both in our mid to late 20’s, by the way.)
Yeah, not a great end of that rope, is it? When someone’s not into you, that end of the rope usually involves rope burn as you try to keep them from trotting off. Works like that with horses, I bet, too.
Both of our leases were up in August of that year, and we both wanted a nicer place- I suggested moving in together. After all, we were such good “friends”! (Yes, I’m throughly aware of how dumb of a suggestion this was.) He agreed, and we set up ground rules regarding sex that neither of us followed. We moved in together and became extremely domesticated.
Yes, as you seem to suggest, necessity of getting a nicer place is not recommended behavior, if you’re not sure if your partner is committed to you.
I’ve known folks who did that, and usually the one who was into the thing LESS didn’t end up any more committed than they were before. And the person who was into it MORE, well, they feel even lonelier.
Throughout this time we were technically “single.” He was the one that wanted it this way. I dated other people, never on a serious basis, and he dated no one else. I frequently got frustrated that he acted like my boyfriend but wouldn’t commit to being one, even though he claims he just acted like my good friend. I’ve been in “friends with benefits” situations before, and this clearly was not the case here.
Why do you say that it “clearly” wasn’t the case? As in, is it because it “felt” different to you? If that was the case for you, well, that’s not necessarily the case for him, right?
In November of 2007, we had yet another conversation about what the hell the deal was and he finally agreed that he was my boyfriend. (So romantic, right?) But the relationship from there was pretty great.
Well, after you dragged that admission out of him, how could it be less than pretty great?
In May of this year, we started talking about our living situation (whether to renew the lease, etc.) We had both talked about how we were interested in buying places rather than renting again. He suggested buying a place together, so I began to look into that and started the process.
Interesting step for him, actually. I mean, buying a place is something of a commitment, no? Hm. I wonder if he and his non-committal ass have thought this through?
He started getting distant sometime in July, when he began to throw himself into a new project at work.
And there he goes, thinking it through.
He was stressed all of the time. We argued a little more, but it hadn’t been going on for very long when all of sudden we had a conversation about our relationship and he decided he wanted to live on his own since he never had before, and break up. To me, it felt like he was displacing the stress of work onto our relationship.
Well, either that, or maybe you have it backwards, you know?
Skip ahead to September, and he moved out. It’s been a few months of hell since then, and it’s sort of a pseudo break-up. We’re back to square one- in a relationship but not defining it that way. I’m dating others, but he’s not. He claims he’s not bothered by this, but I don’t see how that’s possible. It throws
me through a loop because I believe the title of boyfriend/girlfriend, in this case, is important, as it’s indicative of what his intentions are.
Not to put too fine a point on this, but ah, another thing that is indicative of what his intentions are is, er…moving out.
I really love the guy and I know he loves me. He became a workaholic, though I believe he’s trying to rectify that. His stance now is that he wants to concentrate on his work and on himself, and doesn’t have enough to give to be a good boyfriend.
Mmmkay. Whenever a guy tells you he’s not able to be a “good boyfriend,” well, take that to the bank, Rebecca.
There is definitely progress being made, but it’s slow. He’s always moved quite slowly in this relationship, but, aside from the huge step backwards of breaking up, there always seems to be progress.
But that’s a pretty big step backwards, though, you have to admit.
After over 1 1/2 years of this, I’ve examined it into the ground, and my take is that he’s quite bottled up in all aspects of his life, so it’s hard to get straight answers out of him. He says one thing and does another.
Hm. Says one thing, does another. Hm. Seems like I’ve talked about that before on here someplace. Hm. Oh, this is going to drive me nuts…Oh yeah, that’s right — ignore what he SAYS.
His actions, most of the time, are very boyfriend-like. However, he won’t commit to being my boyfriend, even though that’s what I want. My question is, do you think he’s confused by all the stress in his life and should I wait around for him to sort his stuff out, or am I missing a bigger picture and does he really just not want to be in a relationship with me?
Thanks for your input!
Rebecca
Dear Rebecca,
Well, I regret to inform you that this guy seems to be trying to be at least somewhat clear with you. You refer to his actions being boyfriend-like. But from what I’m hearing, his actions are:
  • Moving in, but not minding when you saw other people. While he was living there.
  • Finally, reluctantly, admitting that you were a couple.
  • Suggesting buying a place together, but then becoming immersed in work to the point where he became distant.
  • Breaking it off, moving out.
Now, I know I’m leaving out some of the times when he was all nice and boyfriendy. Of course I am. If those things were all that he did, well, you wouldn’t have needed ME to tell you what was going on. You’d just move on, right?
WHAT’S A BOYFRIEND LIKE?
Listen, I’m not sure what you see as “boyfriend” behavior, but let me ask you this. Looking at that list above, do you want your man, your boyfriend, your live-in person to be someone who has those things on his resume with you?
And I’m not talking about, like, a long time ago. His most current action was to move out. That’s not a good sign, Rebecca.
SO, WHAT TO DO?
Well, there’s plenty of reason for pessimism, but I can’t speak 100% definitively since you know more of the situation than I do. So here’s what I’d suggest, if you really want to give this thing a shot. And let me just tell you, I’m not wild about even giving him THIS chance, given how he’s been treating this relationship:
One last talk. One question. I’d recommend saying to him, “Listen, I don’t like chasing you. But I’m stuck on the idea that this is possible. And I need your help. If you really want to let me go, please tell me that, right now. I know it will hurt, but not as bad as chasing you with no chance of succeeding. If you are letting me go, please tell me in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that you are.”
Now, I know I seem to be suggesting that you dare him to dump you once and for all.
I am.
The reason is that either he will or he won’t. It’s this middle ground that you seem to be in that’s the problem. I’d suggest that you need to hear him being very, very clear with you.
And then? Take him at his word. If he wants you to let him go, LET HIM. It’s all there is to do.  You do NOT want to be one of those women who argues with a man who tells her he’s not a good boyfriend. In that situation, HE’S CORRECT.
What do you see here, ladies? Afraid of commitment? Trying to break up?
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пятница, 19 июня 2020 г.

Is He Allergic to The Talk?


A reader named Emm is feeling burned. Or burnt. Whichever it is, she’s pretty pissed. Seemed like all was well, but whenever she wanted to have The Talk about The Relationship…he flaked a little. He pulled back quite a bit. And now? Well, now she’s pretty mad. She can’t quite put it together. How could he have BEEN so dishonest!?
Or WAS he dishonest? I’m not so sure. Let’s find out what this is all about.
I dated a guy for 5 months, (this was a bigger deal for me as I hadnt dated in some time) and wanted to have a healthy relationship. At first, I played non-chalant, I wanted to make sure he was a good man and he did make himself seem like an awesome guy. I eventually fell for him  after the first month. He told me “I dont do short term relationships.” and gushed about him to my friends. He showed me wear he works, called me regularly, watched movies together, held hands in public, hed always pick me up, we laughed about everything, he waited for me to be “ready”, I never gave him a date LOL.
Never gave him a date? Do you mean…you never gave him a date when you were going to be “ready”? If so, I think that’s wise. I don’t know, for me, I think there’s something weird in saying, “Listen, pal, I’m not sure about you. No sex until February 7th. After that, you get on in there, guns blazing.” Seems almost silly…
ANYHOO!!! At around 4 months I started feeling nervous, I wanted to move forward in our relationship and communicated this. He said “yeah i think thats a good idea.” we talked about this ONLY when i brought it up, we werent EMOTIONALLY moving any closer…
Honestly, I’m already lost. I mean, I’ve heard this kind of thing before, of course. But I have literally no idea what it means. What exactly would it look like if a relationship were to be moved closer, emotionally? I’m being totally serious. I have no idea what this means, other than in some vague, non-specific way. My guess? Neither did he.
I said “I’d like to know what you think, so I understand where you’re coming from”. “everything is good.”
Heh. Yeah, that would be your standard male response. When you say, “What do you think about how things are with us?” What he hears is, “Any major specific complaints, or problems to report, or trouble you’d like to resolve?” Most men aren’t very fantastic in this conversation because, as I said above, in many ways we literally have no idea what you’re talking about.
From months 3-4 he became increasingly “tired” and “sick”…and I started asking questions. I said “I dont feel like our lives are coming together in any way and you’re not talking to me, I need you to tell me what’s going on, Can you please think about this and get back to me?” He got back to me allright, a week later….saying he had been emotionally detaching himself for a while and that hes so confused and he needs to get his stuff sorted out, he wants to move cities maybe in the new year….blah blah blah, before he could finish, I put on my jacket, and got up and left. I couldn’t handle any more excuses. He didn’t have one straight answer….after 2 weeks of grieving, I decided to check out the old dating site we had met on. He’s back on.
Ok, there we go. Sounds like with this guy, that’s as clear an answer as you’re going to get. Remember the manslator’s golden rule — between what he SAYS and what he DOES, pay attention to DOES. And you did. He didn’t have a straight answer for you. He really didn’t have an answer. Just that hummina-hummina-hummina thing we do. His actions? Pulling back. You felt it, you broke it off. Done deal.
I’m still hurt over all of this. The man I believed to be decent had no shred of decency and I’ve been doing all the right healthy things to move on, but my anger’s still consuming me. Why would someone lead me on and lie to my face about being with me (it didnt feel like it was for the sex) for months and be in this fake relationship and not expect to contribute ANYTHING emotionally? He would always call me whenever I had a problem or  whatever, so long as we didn’t focus on “us” I guess….
Can ya help me? It’s been a month and I feel so angry and hurt still.
Dear Emm,
Well, I think I can help you understand what was going on, though I don’t know if it will make you any less angry. Here’s the deal:
MEN AND “THE TALK.”
As I’ve said on here many times, men aren’t great at The Talk. And when you start talking about where the relationship is “headed,” well, we barely know what you’re talking about. You can get mad about it. You can wonder why men can’t be more like you. You can do anything you want. But the one thing you’re not going to do is change the fact that The Talk is way harder for him than it is for you.
Now, does that mean that no guy will ever have The Talk with you? Not at all. But it MIGHT mean that he doesn’t understand what he’s supposed to be having The Talk about.
THINGS MEN OFTEN DON’T UNDERSTAND
(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: Don’t worry, this is an abridged version. To write the whole list of things men don’t understand would crash the internets.)
You talked about:
  • move forward in our relationship- You think I must know what this means, but I swear, I really don’t. What does it mean? Flossing more? Better posture? Formal dinners on Sundays? Marriage? 10 minutes of additional spooning per month? I’m literally asking — how would you “do” this? Isn’t this one of those things that either is happening or it isn’t?
  • we werent EMOTIONALLY moving any closer-Again, I’m not sure how you would “accomplish” this without it just sort of happening as a natural result of…you know…actually moving closer emotionally. Put another way, if this weren’t happening…what could either of you do about it?
  • I dont feel like our lives are coming together in any way-Is this something specific? What does it mean? Again — moving in together? Marriage? Meeting the parents? Just something between the two of you? What IS this?
Now, I could guess what you mean by those things…but that’d be about it. I’d be guessing. And I suspect that it was similar for him.
But all of that is just to say that he didn’t understand what you were SAYING. That’s one thing. But what happened doesn’t sound like it was the result of a simple misunderstanding. It sounds like it was a divergence in your paths.
BOTTOM LINING IT FOR YA
You came to a crossroads, you said, “Let’s do XYZ.” He said (remember — SAID) “sure, why not?” Why? He evidently had enjoyed being with you up to that point.
But then, once you pressed him on all this “moving forward” stuff…it allowed him to ask the questions. “Hm. I wonder…ARE we moving forward? Why aren’t we? Do I want to?”
Sounds like he came to the realization that no, he didn’t. I wouldn’t automatically jump to the conclusion that he was LYING to you. I really don’t read that in his behavior. I see a guy who liked being with you. Then, when you realized you wanted something more — something different — he came to realize that he did not.
And that, as they say, was that.
I’m sorry this didn’t work out the way you wanted it to, Emm. All I can tell you is, don’t focus on this idea that this man was “lying to you.” Doesn’t sound that way to me. Sounds like you wanted different things, and it took a few months to figure that out. It happens.
What’s your take, ladies? This guy having Talk troubles? Is he a big, fat, liar?
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четверг, 21 мая 2020 г.

What Makes a Good Dating Site?



Pretty much everyone has heard the statistic that nearly 20% of all married couples within the last 3 years met on an online dating site.  Interestingly, couples that meet online also tend to get married much quicker than their counterparts that meet in the “real world”: 18.5 months versus 42 months.  This telling statistic makes a lot of sense because on the “right” dating site, you have the opportunity to meet like-minded individuals that are truly “looking for love” – not just a one night stand.
While we obviously consider Loveawake to be New York’s best dating site for professionals, Loveawake is still in the process of expanding to major cities across the country.  As a result, we often get people asking us what makes a good dating site.  We tend to respond by explaining that there is no single online dating site that is perfect for everyone.  With that said, you have to find a dating site that fulfills the criteria that is most important to you.  For example, we recommend that you ask yourself the following questions before clicking an online dating site’s “join” button:
·         What type of people are you looking to meet, and what type of relationship are you pursuing?  As a wise friend once said, “If you’re going to play in the sewer, then you can’t complain about the rats.”  Some sites like Loveawake strive to foster relationships in an exclusive online dating community, while others… Not so much. You have to be honest with yourself and decide what you’re really looking for.
·         How does the site want you to meet someone?  In other words, does the site allow you to search and browse its members, or is functionality limited to receiving a finite number of matches by email each week and/or month? For whatever reason (perhaps they wanted to save money on development costs or they arrogantly think that they know what’s best for you), some half-baked sites have decided that it’s a bad idea for users to be able to search for potential matches themselves.  Instead, these sites insist on emailing their users a couple of potential matches each week.  You deserve the best of both worlds.  It can be helpful to have a dating site identify potential matches for you, but you should always have the option to conduct searches, yourself.
·         What is the customer service like?  When you consider joining a site, you may have some questions…  If it’s difficult to get in touch with a real person — whether it be by phone, email, or some sort of live chat feature — BEFORE you’ve opened your wallet, good luck getting a hold of someone once you actually become a member.  If it’s difficult to get responsive and helpful service before you have a problem, it’s probably a good indicator of the type of “help” that you’ll get in the future… (e.g., billing issues, difficulty deactivating, problems with sites features, etc.)
·         What is the site’s refund policy?  It’s an awful idea to join an online dating site with the expectation that you aren’t going to be satisfied with the service… Mindset is important. However, the reality is that sometimes things just don’t work out—and neither the website nor the user is to blame.  So you’d think that most sites would value their reputation enough to have generous and responsible refund policies, wouldn’t you?  Well, you’d be wrong.  In fact, it can be quite difficult to find another dating site that shares Loveawake’s philosophy on refunds.  Nevertheless, an online dating site’s refund policy is important for reasons aside for enabling you to get your money back.  It’s likely your best insight into the dating site’s business practices…  For instance, the refund policy can help answer questions like:  Does the site actually value you as an individual, or does it merely view you as a credit card number?  Is the site truly concerned about its users’ experience, or is the site primarily concerned with swiping your credit card before you can get away?  While it may sound cheesy and cliché, Loveawake is truly committed to helping our users find love and we want our users to have the best possible experience.  Our refund policy reflects that sentiment.  You should find a dating site that does too.

Stay tuned for Part II in our series about what makes a good online dating site… In the mean time, please sound off on what YOU think the most important characteristics and features of top dating sites are!

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вторник, 19 мая 2020 г.

5 Steps to Prep Yourself Before Prepping Your Profile

Are you a good catch?

I believe being online is the best way to meet someone. But doing it right means more than just posting an attractive picture and decent profile. You have to make sure there is truth in your advertising.
I have a handsome male client who has been actively trying to meet someone “normal” online. He has some truly entertaining stories. However, the best laugh we shared was when he finally asked, “Is it me? Or are all these girls really crazy?”
The reality is like attracts like. He’s still licking his wounds from a devastating breakup. So the only girls that are attractive to him are the ones who are in some way unavailable. I assume since you’re on this site you present yourself in an eye-catching package. But what do you offer on the inside?

When you can check off these 5 suggestions you will truly be a good catch:

  1. Unpack your baggage – All your past relationships that didn’t work out have one thing in common – you. Be honest with yourself. Candidly evaluate your previous participation and behavior. Taking responsibility for your mistakes will prevent you from repeating bad behavior in your next relationship. You have nothing to learn if you blame.
  2. Make sure you’re ready – Are you capable of staying present and enjoying what’s happening in front of you without comparing it to someone or something else? If your thoughts frequently retreat to memories of a former love then you’re not ready to date yet.
  3. Know what you want – Are you ready to make a commitment and share your life with a partner? That means being ready to compromise and sometimes making sacrifices. If that sounds scary to you then be honest. Make it clear you are just looking to have fun and spend some quality time with someone interesting.
  4. Have something to offer – Are you interesting? When asked what you like to do can you talk about your activities positively? Or are you always waiting for a partner to do things with? Don’t define yourself by who you date. Remember, like attracts like. If you have a full, exciting life you’ll attract a better companion.
  5. Think positively – What is your internal dialogue telling you? Are you 100% supportive and compassionate? Or are you tough, demanding and critical of you? You are what you think you are. And energy is contagious. So whatever you’re thinking or feeling about yourself on the inside is what you’re portraying on the outside. Be nice to yourself. Others will be nice to you too.
As with most things I realize some of the above recommendations are easier said than done. If anything in particular seems difficult or you take real aversion to something that’s an indicator you need to do some work around it. But you are not alone. I’m here to help.
Reprinted with permission from Loveawake. Want more singles chat rooms?

Splitting the Bill – The 60/40 Method


I always get the question of who should pay for dinner on dates.  From what I’ve seen and heard, the 60/40 split is what usually works best.  This means that the guy covers the “bigger” purchases (dinners, show tickets) and the girl pays for the “smaller” purchases (cab rides, tip).

The 60/40 split addresses many of the problems found in the traditional 100/0 split or the modern 50/50 by offering the right balance of tradition and gender equality:

Problems with 100/0

Reduces value of the woman; supports outdated notion of subordination
May make woman feel like she “owes” man something in return
Often unsustainable… (unless guy is filthy rich)
Problems with 50/50

Emasculating
May lead to calculation overload and resentment… “well… you paid for x and y, but I paid for z, so to make it even, i think you should pay for this one”
Obviously, the 60/40 would not apply to dates where two people are highly polarized either in income, status (celeb dating a pedestrian), or age.  Oh yeah, and the guy should pay for the first date (unless the date was a complete disaster).

Now, what happens when you date a super hot girl and she never offers to pay.  It’s very common.  Hot girls are used to not paying for anything and frankly, they think that gracing you with their presence in public is payment enough.  So, you gotta ask yourself if this is the type of girl you want to be dating and if so, pick up that extra side job and pay for your trophy!

Lastly, there’s nothing less sexy than hearing the words “I’m so broke”.  I know it’s a recession, but we don’t want to hear about your financial woes.  If you can’t pay for even your half of the date, don’t ask us out.  Simple.
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