четверг, 13 августа 2020 г.

Are we “Friends with Benefits” (FWB) or does he want something more?

 


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_______________________________

Hi Guys,
Thanks for reading this as I really could do with a male perspective. I’m a little confused!

Beginning of December I met this guy when I was out one night. He’s a friend of my sister’s. I said hi and carried on with my night. But then out of nowhere he just pounces on me and pretty much snogs my face off. Okay, we were both drunk so I didn’t think much of it. That same night he comes back to my place and we stay up talking, hugging, and kissing but no sex.

Anyway so we start seeing each other twice a week, and eventually get down and dirty. All is good. After the first week of “seeing” him he tells me he doesn’t want anything serious as he’s just come out of a relationship and is still hurt. Fair enough, but I’m surprised at his honesty so early on. Three weeks later, he’s at my place and we are chatting and he tells me that he has realized that he is over his ex. I say that I’m pleased for him—cause he was hurt about it—and leave it at that.

So, last Friday I was invited to stay at his place. We stayed up all night talking etc 😉 He was asking a lot about my previous relationships and generally a lot of personal questions. At one point we were giving each other a lot of banter and I said something like, “You wanna get the Hoover in here sometime!” (Note to readers: THE GUYS think she means a vacuum cleaner.) He said that was a job for me. To which I replied, “That’s not the job of a weekend (Blank-another word for having sex).” So then his face dropped and he sat down really quietly and just looked at me. I asked him if he was okay, he said no I had pissed him right off! I asked what I’d said or done wrong. Apparently it was the weekend (blank) comment. I pointed out that that was what we did so I didn’t get his reaction at all. He then said, “Yeah I know but you obviously don’t realize that I do actually care about you.” I said, “Okay we’ll be friends with benefits then.” But then he said he didn’t like that term being used for us. So I just left it at that.

Next morning he gets a text saying his dad, sis and bro are coming round to his place. (His family is very close.) I say that I should probably head off then, but then he says there’s no need for me to go and that he’s sure they would like to meet me. So I stayed, met them—it seems that they were already aware of who I was—and went home a few hours later. Later that day he texts me and asks how I’m feeling and that his family really liked me.

So tell me…what is he thinking? What does he want? Does he want to go further but is maybe putting it off because of his ex-girlfriend? Any advice would be appreciated, especially as it’s from a male point of view!

Also just to add, I have a little boy who is 6, which he was already aware of as we knew each other before. He was very keen to meet him which I kept putting off until just recently. (He questioned me a lot about why I was doing that!) They get on well when he’s here.

Another point to add. When we first met he said he was hoping to go to America in May to work and was awaiting an interview. He got the job. He said to me the other night that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go anymore and maybe he would stay and get a proper job. Obviously this could be nothing to do with what what’s been going on between us but I thought it might help to paint a better picture.

Also, FYI, I am 29 and he is 25.

I can’t thank you enough for reading this and really look forward to your reply!!

Louise

Dear Louise,

Thanks for your question.

Any guy that encourages you to meet his family is likely interested in more than just a “Friends with Benefits” arrangement. And the fact that his family already seemed to know about you means he’s been telling them all about this great girl he’s been seeing.

Part of the confusion here is that this relationship started off at a bar, with drink in hand, and sex on the mind, instead of beginning on a more traditional path of, first date, second date, third date, etc. But the good news is you’ve still managed to arrive at a good place with mutual respect still in tact.

From where we stand he’s into you. But it’s likely he’s a little gun shy since he’s coming out of a broken relationship. But here are the telltale signs that he’s thinking seriously about you.

1. He says he genuinely cares about you.

2. He gets hurt when you label the relationship as “FWB.”

3. He wants you to meet his family.

4. He is accepting of your son.

5. He’s not sure he wants to go to America anymore. (And don’t kid yourself. This is definitely about you!)

So maybe the more pertinent question Louise is, what do you want? If he wants to be in a committed relationship with you are you open to that? Does the thought make you excited? Scared? It’s important for you to have this conversation with yourself and truly ask yourself how you feel about this man. Because not only will your answer impact you, it will also impact your son.

If you really want to take this to the next level you might need to be the one to initiate that conversation since he’s probably a bit shaken from his recent breakup. But from what we can tell, he seems like he’d be very open to talking about it.

Leave us a follow up comment, or feel free to ask us a follow up question. (See comments below. We’ll respond here as well.)


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среда, 22 июля 2020 г.

Is Our Dating Advice Right For You?

Is the advice here at DateMasters right for you? It’s not for everyone, that’s for sure.
Of course, me and the other guys here have really incredible dating lives with women who are not only hot, but also wonderful people as well, so, our strategies work very well for us. We’ve also found that these strategies work well for guys who share similar values and goals as us. Is it right for you?
Here are some ways to tell if DateMasters advice is right for you…
If you’ve made a significant emotion, financial or time investment to learn a model of Chasing women and are really, really enamored with all of it (ie, Pick Up, Game, Natural Game, etc), then the strategies we teach at DateMasters may offend you by challenging your underlying beliefs.
If you want to go ahead and try mixing and matching persuasive ‘get the girl’ tactics with our stuff anyway, you might have to do some mental gymnastics to convince yourself that you really are doing what we recommend.
If you enjoy the feeling when you try to persuade women to like you when they initially don’t, then using Identification to pick out the women of beauty and accomplishment while disqualifying the rest is something that probably won’t work for you.

Any attempt to persuade when using an Identification based model for understanding your interactions with women will more than likely work poorly. If you feel that your success depends upon your ability to change the minds of women, then it may be very difficult for you to give up that feeling.
If you think of women as prey, targets, flags, or notches, then Identification will probably not be appealing to you. The strategies for finding, meeting, dating and enjoy our time with high-value women of exceptional beauty and accomplishment that we teach at DateMasters do not include techniques for tricking women into sleeping with you, or convincing them to like you.
If you believe that finding women who are already into you right from the get-go (regardless of whether it can get you more and better women) is merely “the numbers game,” “fool’s mate,” or inferior because it’s not “real pick up,” then the advice we give here is not for you at all. Having a healthier and improved love life, more and better sex, as well as more attractive women in your life may not be enough to compensate for the feeling that your  “Game” isn’t what’s persuading her.
If you find it very difficult to try something that is very different from what other people seem to be doing, then you might not be able to try many of our strategies.
If you are uncomfortable with the idea of talking to large amounts of women in a short time, and taking “No” for an answer from most of them, then our advice may not be for you. In our experience, the best way to find “Yes” is to learn to accept “No” and move on (and to know the difference between yes and no).
 If you liked that, you might also like...
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вторник, 21 июля 2020 г.

Teaching Him the Difference Between Sex and Making Love


Ohhh, we’ve got a complex little request here today, ladies. Kirsten just got engaged, and he’s a.) a virgin, and b.) he only knows what he DOES know from watching…ahem…adult cinema.
She wants to know — why do men think that “sex” and “making love” are the same, and how can she tell him the difference?
ok here’s the deal….my fiance and i just got engaged a little over a month ago…i don’t know how to explain to him the difference between sex and making love to him…he says he’s never made love to a woman and to be honest he learned how to have sex by watching porno so we can both i agree that that’s out…i don’t know why alot of men think sex and making love are one in the same…and i don’t know what to tell him to do to make love to me… see my crisis????? please help!!!
Dear Kirsten,
Well, I’ve got good news and bad news for you. No, scratch that. I’ve got mildly frustrating news and fantastic news for you. Let’s start with the bad news:
Bad News: NO ONE KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THESE TWO THINGS
Nobody. Anywhere. Absolutely no one besides YOU knows exactly how and where you draw the line between sex and making love. I’m guessing that’s why you think that men “think they are one and the same”. I sure don’t know the difference as far as what YOU think about it. I literally have no idea what you mean. I can try to imagine what you mean, but I’m positive that I’d only be sorta right, and only in a very general way.
And if I were, say, a virgin (like some fiances you might know), oh boy would that distinction make me nervous as hell. I mean, he’s already got the burden of, “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing” on his shoulders. Now he’s got, “And even if I figure something out…how in the crap am I supposed to tell if it’s making love or just sex?!”
And of course there IS no way for him to know. Because there’s no definition there. It’s only your definition that matters here.
Great News: IT’S GONNA BE WICKED SUPER FUN TO TEACH HIM THE DIFFERENCE
See, here’s where being engaged to a virgin could be really fun (said the manslator even though he was pretty thankful he, himself, was not.) Yeah, I just read that parenthetical, and I’m absolutely sure it’s got to be a little nervewracking.
But here’s the thing: the man wants to marry you. He asked and everything. He has decided to spend the rest of his life with you. This is a good sign that he, you know, kinda likes you. And wants you to be happy. And he wants HIM to be happy. This is a great chance for you to tell him, “Listen, those…er…training films you watched? They’re not for women. I know the women in them seem like they’re having fun, but you don’t pay me as much as they get paid, so…”
Ok, ok, let’s start over. Seriously, this time. There’s no reason not to tell him, “Listen, real sex isn’t like in those movies. Well, hey, maybe it is for somebody, but not for ME anyway. That’s the thing. It’s different for everybody, it’s not like you can learn anything from anyone but YOUR person. And what we’ve got to do is to teach each other how WE do it, that’s all. And we love each other, so it’s going to be so easy. And, you know, fun.” And then, you can tell him what you like, what you want him to do, how you want him to do it, what you want to do to him. And he gets to vote on what he wants YOU to do, too, see. It’s win-win, here.
I have a VERY difficult time believing that he’ll have a problem with this conversation. I mean, sure, it’s going to seem a little awkward at first. But that’s only because you’re talking about something deep and important. And fun. I mean, people don’t go skydiving because it’s relaxing. They go because it feels really, really weird, and that’s fun. Either that, or they just like falling out of stuff. Anyway, not important.
The point is, don’t get hung up — or more importantly don’t get HIM hung up — on the differences between sex and making love. To a first-timer, that’s going to sound suspiciously like the differences between “right” and “wrong.” And sex is no fun if you’re being graded on it. As my friend Alexis once said, “Everybody who takes their pants off wins!”
Good luck, Kirsten. I know it’s got to be a little stressful here. But I swear, if you give a guy half a chance to learn a little something with the understanding that if he pays attention in class, it will make you absolutely crazy-hot-lovey-happy? Uh, yeah, he’ll be happy to show up for every session.
Oh ladies? Ever taught a man the difference between sex and making love? How about naughty and nice? Paper and plastic?
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пятница, 17 июля 2020 г.

He Won’t Call Her His ‘Gilrlfriend’, 5 Months In!


We’ve got a variant on the Non-Boyfriend. This French guy seems to be behaving exactly like a boyfriend — all but the name. They’ve been exclusive for 5 months, but he won’t call her his girlfriend. And when she asks why, he won’t really tell her. What’s this about? Why the resistance to that word?
The request is a bit long, so I’ll just print the end of the letter that seems to sum it all up pretty well. (The full text is, as usual, at the bottom of the post.)
When I ask why he can’t give me that, he won’t say why, just that he needs time.
Maybe it’s because he doesn’t trust me? He thinks I flirt with everyone and wear revealing clothes to attract attention. Or maybe he just doesn’t want a relationship? When we were just friends he would always say that he’s not a good guy, that he doesn’t know why he treats women “the way he does”, and that I wouldn’t want someone like him as a boyfriend.
I’m a good woman and treat him very well. He’s a good man and he treats me well. We’re not perfect, but for the most part what we have is very special. So what’s stopping him from giving me that title? I’m not asking to get married…I just want a title. We’ve known each other for a year, have been exclusively seeing each other for half of that time and before that were great friends. He says that I have nothing to worry about and that titles aren’t everything. My response? “If they aren’t that important to you then just call me your girlfriend.” I’m right. Right?
I don’t know if I can take this much longer. Maybe I’m wasting my time? Should I jump ship and save myself before it’s too late?
Please help!
Thanks,
Annabella
Dear Annabella,
Couple of interesting things going on here. Your first thought is that maybe he doesn’t trust you, and it does seem possible, given the stuff you mention. But it seems all the more possible given what happened earlier in your relationship. Here’s the quote I don’t totally get:
Eventually I could no longer ignore my feelings and the thought of him being with anyone else literally made me sick to my stomach. I wasn’t sure if he felt the same, after all a man should pursue the woman right? So if he cared, he would not want me seeing other people. So I told him that we could still be friends but I was getting in too deep and needed some boundaries – basically no cuddling or kissing and spending a bit less time together. The jokes, the conversation, and hanging out could be 95% the same. I thought this was logical and fair – a GREAT compromise – but he told me I was “moving us backwards, not forwards”.
I have to say…I kind of agree with him. I could be just misreading this, but it seems that you’re saying that when you started having strong feelings for him…you dumped him. I mean…that’s what this says, right? Ultimately he boomeranged back with…
A week passed and he told me that he did not like this change, that he missed our cuddle time and kissing, that we should elope, that he wanted me to have his kids.
Uh…wowie. And then…
I told him to think on it for another week. Well after a week he realized that Vegas wasn’t a good idea and that he didn’t even want to commit. I asked why we couldn’t even be a couple? He said he wasn’t ready but that we could become exclusive.
Now…I’m not saying that it wasn’t a good idea to hit the brakes at “elope” and “kids” but he might have taken this as ambivalence on your part. I mean, you had just demoted him to “friends” a couple of weeks before, right? And when he came back with his crazy, probably way-over-the-top ideas about getting married and putting babies inside you, you told him to wait a week. Again — I’m not saying it was a bad idea to tell him that. I’m just saying, is it possible that he’s a little nervous that you’ve got one foot out the door?
So, add in the fact that he thinks you dress sexy and flirt with other dudes, I’d say that yeah, it’s totally possible that what you’re sensing in him is a lack of trust.
“I’M NOT A GOOD GUY” — Manslation: “NO, REALLY. I’M ACTUALLY NOT A GOOD GUY.”
Now, you say that he treats you really well (other than the whole refusal of nomenclature thing you’ve got going.) But when you were just pals, he said the above. Listen, when a guy says he’s not a good guy? Listen to that man. He is NOT LYING.
That said, he’s treating you really well. And he talks like he wants to be with you forever. My guess? What you’ve got right ch’ere is that elusive creature: the Reformed Player. Sounds to me like when you met, he was a bit of a dawg. But now that he’s with you, he likes you, but isn’t used to a.) feeling that way about a woman, and b.) having someone else have so much power.
See, a player has all the power. He retains all the control in any “relationship” he’s in. (I put that word in quotes because the only way that these arrangements are “relationships” is that they probably involve having “relations.” And possibly on a ship. Who knows? I don’t know where he does his business.)
But in your situation, YOU have exerted quite a bit of control, to the point of essentially ending things when the terms weren’t acceptable. Sounds to me like you’re driving the ship, and from the perspective of a Reformed Player it probably seems even MORE like that.
WHAT NOW?
Well, I certainly don’t see this as a “jump ship” kind of situation. It seems like he’s definitely behaving like he’s on board with being with you, you’re exclusive, all of that. But what’s up with this word he won’t say? Well, I think it might be his way of holding back at least one chip in this “game.” As in, he feels like you hold all the power here. He knows you want this. He feels like if he gives it to you, you’re not going to have any more reason to want anything from him, and bail out (again, I might add.)
Remember, if he really is a Reformed Player, he’s sailing in very, very new territory here. (I promise that is the last nautical term I’m going to use today.) Seems like he isn’t doing anything that says “one foot out the door.” But this might, to him, feel like the last piece of control he’s got.
What he needs to hear is why you would like to hear this word. There are obviously reasons in his head why he does NOT want to call you that. When he finally hears that your real and full reason for wanting to hear “girlfriend” isn’t whatever bad thing he’s imagining it is, it might ease the pressure. If he feels like you want it as a “test” for him (and hey, let’s not pretend that’s never happened in the world, ok?) or if he feels like what you really want is something else and the word girlfriend is a way to edge him towards that (ditto there) then sure, he might feel nervous about saying it.
Good luck Annabella! I think what the two of you need is to equalize the atmosphere around that word. In his world it means one thing, in yours it means something else. I think if you can open your airlock door a little bit and let him know where you’re really at, and see where he’s really at, you can at LEAST move the conversation into the real world, and see where you stand.
Ahoy, ladies! (Dang, just had to do one more nautical term. Though the “airlock” one probably counts in a way. Crap!) What’s in a title, anyway? Should she stick around to find out?
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среда, 15 июля 2020 г.

Lunchtime Boobjob Edition


Hello there, gentle readers. And hello to you as well, very rough readers, with your giant, oversized muscles and bloody knuckles, frightening the animals and eating the children. Hello to you both.
Before we sign off for the weekend, leaving you to manslate for yourselves for two whole days (after which you will ALL come RIGHT BACK HERE on Monday, and every other day after that, forever and ever, no more discussion, thank you very much) I’d like to just touch on a couple of manslatable news items that I saw this week:

LUNCHTIME BOOBJOBS COMING TO EUROPE

Yep. It’s that easy now. They numb your butt and your boobs, they put some of your butt into your boobs, and over the course of six months they become big. (I’m not a doctor, you understand. That’s a sort of “high-level” description.) Hell, this sounds so simple, I’m probably going to get it done myself.
I almost feel a little bad about something that these women don’t realize as they walk back to work after lunch with their numb butts and boobs. Six months from now when they have their dream rack, they’ll be forced to date the same idiots they were with before. Just with less eye contact.
Here’s the manslation — men do want to have sex with women who have big, fake boobs. However, they also want to have sex with women who have everything else. We’ll probably have sex with you either way, so save your money. Unless you want to be a pornstar or a newscaster — something where it’s important. Then, by all means, go for it.

SEVEN GORED AT PAMPLONA BULL RUN

Yes, that’s right, tragedy struck at the annual running of the bulls when only seven of the morons were gored this year. Even worse, none of the wounds seem to have been fatal.
There is not a more macho-douchebag activity in the world than this one. Come on, bulls. We count on you to keep these walnut-brained primates from passing along their feeble, mouth-breathing genes to yet another generation of domestic abusers. At least see if you can’t catch them right in the ol’ specials with those horns you’re sporting.
Here’s the manslation: “I have chosen to run from enraged bulls because I want women to know that I am brave in the face of dangerous beasts in the wild. Apparently the last 20,000 years of civilization have slipped my mind. Oh, and I have a tiny wang.”

EVA LONGORIA: “NOT NERVOUS AT WEDDING”

Honestly, I’m just glad that this story was reported at all. I spent that whole night alone at home, naked, in the fetal position, praying that she wouldn’t be nervous.
Of course she wasn’t nervous. She’s rich, she’s famous, she’s on a hit show, and she was marrying a superstar athlete. What, is she worried she’s going to trip, fall on her face, scarring her for life, making him not want to marry her, then they fire her from that show, and the hospital bills cost ten dollars more than she has in the bank?
Here’s the manslation: I want to know if the GUY was nervous. Men are about as comfortable with weddings as deer are with hunting. We have a very keen sense that you all have been planning this day since WAY before you ever met our sorry asses. It’s a little unnerving when we feel like you’re eyeballing us to see if we’ll fit into the tux that you already mentally picked out for us when you were, like, eleven.

WITNESS: SPECTOR SAID ALL WOMEN DESERVE A BULLET

Wow. Yesterday in my Manslations for Hillary Duff, I mentioned my great love of famous persons going insane in public. And there’s Phil Spector. Wearing that muppet wig, having to sit there and listen to his friends — his FRIENDS — tell the court how he wants to shoot ALL women.
I think the manslation here is this: If you’re with a guy who says that all women deserve a bullet, he’s maybe not kidding. Unless you’re dating Oscar Wilde*, it might not just be a witty metaphor.
Incidentally, if you ARE dating Oscar Wilde, you might want to make sure you keep your lack of a penis on the down-low. Ix-nay on the agina-vay. Oh, and try not to bring up the fact that he’s long dead. He’ll probably just say something infuriatingly witty about how he’s more alive dead than he ever was while alive. And who needs that nonsense?
Have a great weekend everybody! See you on Monday!
And let’s hear some chatter out there — leave a comment, request manslations, whatever it is! Let me know you stopped by. I know you’re out there, people. I can hear you click.

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среда, 8 июля 2020 г.

How should you respond to “I have been soooooo busy”?


We’ve all heard it, probably all said it. You’ve been trying to chase somebody down, and you get, “Wow, I am so sorry. I have been SOOOOOO busy!” Well, duh. What should you SAY, though? And is there a way to get him to stop being so busy? I’ve got some thoughts on that.
Hi Jeff,
You’ve helped me several times before; I read your page often and I’ve a quickie for you: What’s the best way to respond to the “I’ve been sooooo busy” line? I hear it ALL the time and yeah, I say it sometimes too. When I’m on the receiving end, sometimes I ignore it, sometimes I say, “yes, we’re all busy, I get it.” Because it’s basically a brush-off, is there anything I can say to make the guy want to rearrange his busy schedule or is it just better to not respond at all?
Thank ya!
-Amber
Dear Amber,
Well, in order to know how to respond, you’ve got to know what’s being said to you, right? And it seems that you do. You said it yourself. It’s a brushoff. To be more specific:
HIM: I’ve been soooooo busy.
MANSLATION: You aren’t important enough to me to make time for you.
Are there exceptions? Well…I suppose if you’re dating the Secretary of Defense or something. But the overwhelming majority of the time, when someone says they’re so busy, it usually means that they just didn’t want to tell you, “I’ve been sitting around the house watching old Law & Orders that I had already seen, but I STILL didn’t call you.” But it’s just a nicer way of saying the same thing.
CAN YOU MAKE HIM WANT TO STOP BEING SO BUSY?
Not really, because the problem is rarely how busy he is. The problem is where you fit on his priority list. And if you’re down there below “World of Warcraft” and “study Klingon language tapes” (hey, I don’t know who you date) then what could you SAY to change that? Personally, I’ve never been in a situation where a.) I was “talked into” a relationship and b.) it ended well. Just not a great idea.
SO HOW TO RESPOND?
Well, you could say:
  • “Oh really? Busy? Not me. I’ve just been sitting around making collages of your picture at this cool…oh, I guess you could call it an ‘altar’ that I’ve built. You should check it out. Or you could just look at the photos of it that I left in you mailbox. Oh and your hair looks really cute tonight. Where did you get that shirt?“
  • “If you’re going to blow me off with a BS “busy” excuse, the least you could do is to give me something specific. Tell me you were kidnapped by pirates, tell me you’ve been trapped in a beartrap in Montana, some damn thing.“
  • Or, the real answer…nothing. Don’t bother. Brush him off right back. If he’s saying this, it’s almost exclusively because the real answer is (even) less flattering to you.
Good luck, Amber! And thanks for the question!
What do YOU say when a guy’s been “busy”?

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