In Praise Of The Dating Sabbatical

As a glamorous, perpetually harried, and extremely single career woman, I am acutely aware of the fact that I’m not going to meet the long-term romantic partner I’m looking for unless I put myself out there.  Which is why, usually, I do.  I’m on three different dating apps.  Every reasonably close friend whose judgment I trust is on the lookout for potential prospects.  At least twice a week for the past six months, no matter how tired or pressed for time I’ve been, I have fixed my hair, put on my lipstick and heels, and met a man for a drink.

I am oddly proud of the effort I’ve made, despite the fact that it has yet to have yielded tangible results.  I have many female friends who are also glamorous, perpetually harried, and extremely single.  Many of them want to find someone, but believe apps to be desperate and contrived.  (They are.  So what?)  These women have a vague fantasy of meeting someone through friends, but all their friends are either married – and friends with other married people – or other single women who are looking for the same thing.  So these idealistic friends of mine are left complaining about being single and simultaneously doing nothing to change that.

Participation in a romantic partnership does not determine the success of anyone’s life, male or female.  There are many unhappily partnered people and many blissfully single ones, and the last thing I want to do is imply that being single is a problem or a flaw.  All I’m saying is that if you want something, you have to set yourself up to possibly get it.  As I see it, even a bad date is an opportunity to learn about myself.  And by dating all the time, I’m able to maintain perspective and prevent myself from getting my heart set on one particular guy before it’s clear he’s worth it.

But in the past few weeks, something’s changed for me.  Yes, I do have a huge work deadline at the end of month, which has rendered me temporarily incapable of even thinking of anything else.  Yet even more than that, I find that I have temporarily lost interest in dating at all.  This is my dating sabbatical, and it’s awesome.

The last date I went on ended when the guy said, “You have such beautiful hair.  I can’t wait to pull it while I do you doggy style.”  (To be fair, I met him in a bar – and if I’d been able to read his profile on one of my apps, I wouldn’t have wasted thathour of my life.)  I didn’t feel threatened or unsafe; I simply told him that the night was over and that he should definitely take an etiquette class before dating anyone else.  “Also,” I told him, “Never, under any circumstances, use the words doggy style.”

Even a month ago, I would have loved telling this story at brunch.  I would have mimicked the guy’s voice, his crushed expression when I told him off, his sad, mumbled, “Sorry.”  I would have delighted in my girlfriends’ riffs and responses, and our mimosa-drunk theorizing about what kind of person would even say such a thing.

Dating requires a healthy sense of humor and a genuine curiosity about other people.  Right now, I have neither.  It’s not that I’m bitter – I can’t even muster the energy to be indignant about my last date.  I’m just completely apathetic.

It’s battle fatigue.  The sheer number of dates I’ve been on recently is staggering, and most of them have been completely forgettable.  Again, I will defend dating in volume until my dying breath.  But the other side of this practice, I think, is taking a break.

Many men are extremely boring.  Many are Libertarians.  Many think they are intellectuals because since college they have read a single book, and it is by Charles Bukowski.  These are all deal breakers – at least to me – but nobody’s perfect, and the point of dating is to get to know someone.  Most people, thank God, are not as aggressively extroverted as I am; they open up slowly, over time.  And right now, I don’t have the patience to see that through.

Here is a short life of things I’d rather be doing than dating: drinking wine with my friends, finishing the novel I can’t put down, playing hide-and-seekwith my cats.  So I’m sticking with that.  I’m also taking time to learn more about myself, to discover new hobbies and places and people who help me grow.  When I decide to start dating again – which sooner or later, I know I will – I will be even more myself, and maybe even open to dating someone I might have dismissed out of hand before (as long as he’s not a Libertarian).  I’ll be capable of being a thoughtful and receptive partner, and hopefully, I’ll be better able to discern who can offer me the same.

The point of a sabbatical is that it’s not forever.  In dating, as in all things, it’s important to be honest with yourself about your hopes and goals.  So I encourage you to do everything on purpose, as a conscious choice.  If you want to date, date, and don’t want for someone else to make it happen for you.  And if you want to take a step back, then go on with your bad self.

SEXTING: seems it has more potential to bite you in the ass than impress people with your ass

As a Loveawake panelist I am equipped to answer any and all questions on all matters of sex, relationships and nipple size, but I must admit there is one area that I am not 100% educated on: Sexting.

You see, unfortunately, the rise in sexting cropped up at the same time I entered a monogamous relationship with Mrs. FG. I missed out on the simple modern pleasure of sexting as common practice. I missed out on punctuating a promising first date with something like "Katie, had a great time at the opera tonight. Please see attached: a close up of my testicles. Pics of me posing in front of bathroom mirror to follow. Best, Amit."

Yes, here and there I'll text Mrs. FG a picture of me in Congressman Anthony Weiner's underwear as a sort of shorthand for "I miss you babe. Are we cooking or ordering in tonight?" But for the most part I feel sort of on the outs with the sexting craze.

And so this blog post, as much as any I've written previously, is a request for feedback and education. I wonder, how many of you out there regularly sext? What are the rules and common practices associated with it? Is it more fun to send or receive?

It seems it has more potential to bite you in the ass than impress people with your ass --Think: Blake, Brett, Tiger, Jesse, Rihanna, Kanye. And while nothing says, "I love you" to a guy like opening up a grainy pic of your boobs snapped in a changing room at the GAP, I wonder if it's the most prudent thing to do.

The danger of images getting into the wrong hands and eyes is nearly inescapable. Lost phones, and boyfriends becoming ex-boyfriends, almost guarantee that the loving portrait you sent in that neon thong and his sombrero will be disseminated to your friends, family and enemies as soon as you dump him.

Is there a way to protect against this? It's almost as if before you press "send" every phone should have a pop-up that reads: "remember dummy, any and all pics you send can and will def be used against you in the future. Are you sure it's worth sending a shot of your half hard-on wrapped in a ribbon?"

Ideally, a sext should have a shelf life of about 4 minutes and self-destruct afterwards, but technology hasn't quite caught up to that. Yes, you can delete a pic after receiving it, but who has time for that if you're in the middle of great Words with Friends battle or simultaneously checking into Applebees.

We live in a funny time. As we speak radio waves, satellites, and optical networks are busy delivering pics of smooching lips, hairy vaginas, tushies and boners to one another. It seems once we, as a society, get our hands on technology it's only a matter of time before we collectively ask ourselves, "Hmm, how can I use this to get laid?" Makes you realize the invention of caves only really caught on when cave guys realized chicks prefer having sex without getting rained on or eaten. And, that the first cave drawings were nothing less than primitive sexts.

So school me. What are the ins and outs of Sexting?

SEX BYTES; Free Net Nookie Hits Pros

INTERNET dating sites - and the free nooky on offer - are slowly killing the country's sex industry.

"Everyone is screaming out for work," says one parlour veteran. "It is so easy to meet for sex through internet dating sites. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad when it's free."

And the worrying decilne is confirmed by Prostitutes Collective national co-ordinator Catherine Healy, who says a reduction in the use of hookers is partly blamed on online liaisons.

"Brothel owners are certainly feeling it," she says.

Madam Mary doesn't mince her words.

"Why would a man pay for sex with a working girl who is a stranger when he can hook up for free with a stranger?

"There is physically no more work. On a Friday night in the good old days a girl could see eight men. Now it's three of four max - and a lot are only getting one."

Madam Mary is a dominatrix from Wellington's specialist bondage, discipline and sado-masochism parlour the MM Club.

She's worked with prostitutes for nine years and says her finger is on the industry's pulse. But it's not beating to the same old drum.

And Healy says Mary could be right.

"There's a significant number of people who now meet through the internet. But it's hard to know how much it has hit the sex industry."

Healy admits brothel owners are feeling the squeeze and complaining about reduced numbers, but are also blaming it on the industry going legit.

"They think prostitution law reform brought about the demise of sex work because the reforms took away the mystery."

She says the number of condoms dispensed by hookers remains the same, suggesting the industry is not so much suffering but sharing in a growing sex wave.

Madam Mary's business has not suffered because it offers something not found on dating sites.

"All of our women are `specialists' and sex is their chosen field of expertise. Show me a man who doesn't have a sexual fantasy and we will prove he's lying."

EVERYONE IS A LESSON

Whether it’s someone you pass who smiles at you or an ornery customer whose table you waited on, every single person with whom you have contact is a lesson waiting to be learned. It’s easy to learn from someone you’ve had a relationship with; someone who makes you ecstatically joyful, and those who have taught you what pain feels like. Everyone is a lesson.

I often write about how important it is to not take other people’s actions towards you personally. You could be the kindest, most courteous and lovely human being and at some point in your life, someone will make it a point to shit on you. Conversely, there are people who aren’t, by any stretch of the imagination, deserving of kindness.

The trick is to not allow how people treat you affect the way in which you view yourself. They don’t dictate you are. You do. When you remove your judgment from your interactions, you will be more likely to learn valuable lessons.

The Perpetual Sweethearts

People who are perpetually kind have either experienced nothing but kindness in their lives, or they’ve been put through the wringer and do not wish their experiences upon others. They didn’t become bitter. They chose to become better.

From the sweet, warm, and kind, we can learn to remain unaffected by all the bullshit that life throws our way. Be kind to those who aren’t so kind, but don’t do it for them; do it for you.

The Assholes

These people are everywhere. There’s an asshole that exists in each one of us as well. Everyone has a mean streak, but luckily most of us know to keep our inner asshole under wraps. I’m not sure why assholes exist, other than to allow us to appreciate the good people who treat others with respect and dignity.

Personally, I appreciate assholes because they make me love the lives of those I know are good people.

The Prima Donnas

Oh, please! Don’t even get me started. Me? Talk to that guy? UGH! He doesn’t even know what Prada IS! Be friends with her? She’s nothing but a…

Honey, get off that high horse before it bucks and you get thrown off. This type of person has so much to prove that s/he projects bullshit onto everyone else. She has no idea that nobody cares or sweats the small stuff. The presumptuous arrogance isn’t cute, but she has no idea.

The Wallflowers

The quiet ones who can easily sink into the walls just might be the most interesting people. They are either shy or simply don’t believe in small talk. These folks are mostly content with simply existing. Although social awkwardness may be what the outgoing ones see,

There are a special few who don’t feel the need to express themselves through conversing. Perhaps the wallflower you know is an intellectual introvert.

Regardless of a person’s demeanor or habits, we can easily learn from them if we simply allow ourselves to.

Earning Trust Is Easy. Keeping It Is Hard.

A few people have asked for a post on this from the FB page. Not "Trusting Your Instincts," as Alex Wise covered that perfectly just this week (If you have not yet read that, do so right now. Dude totally nails it), but more trusting in general. And since I am a cynical guy who has trusted virtually no one ever, it sounded to me like a challenge.

What sort of trust are we talking about? The trust you have that a cab driver is going to deliver you to your destination quickly and safely, rather than ending you in a ball of flame and shredded steel? Or the trust that this guy is not going to fillet your heart for his own amusement? The first type of trust is easy. The other is very hard indeed.

As an example of the first type, the readers here trust us to be honest and fair in answering questions. Objectively speaking, that is an expectation that is totally unenforcable, so why have it at all? The presumption of good faith, the basis of all trust, is the cornerstone of our legal and moral code. We simply expect people to do what they are paid to do, to the best of their ability and with all due care and attention. We punish them if they don't. Without that ideal, society simply wouldn't run.

Add emotions or beliefs into the mix though, and it is a whole 'nother ball game. "We find it difficult to grant that other people come to their conclusions in good faith if they reach a conclusion that is different than ours,"  Someone who disagrees with you, or argues with you, you almost automatically assume is dealing in bad faith and is untrustworthy with a malfunctioning brain.

Enter "The Player." He may not be an actual player, of course, maybe a common or garden con merchant, but they all use the same techniques of confident professionalism, attentive listening and mirroring then leading to disarm suspicion and gain your trust as rapidly as possible. 

A good con artist, like a good therapist, can have you trusting him inside of ten minutes, simply because you wish to trust him by default and he knows the tools to use. It really is that simple.
A good person, on the other hand, may take months for you to begin to trust fully, as they are living their own lives. It is one of the main reasons trust issues start appearing about three months into any relationship. Your guy is no longer agreeing with you on everything. Your life is a very important, yet secondary, priority for them.

There are two parts to trust. The part you do, and the part the other person does to keep you trusting. As you can never control another's actions, learn to control and monitor your own. Watch for the warning signs that someone is out to con you hard, but try not to be too suspicious.

Most people are good and worthy of trust. Especially the ones you disagree with.

Dating Advice: Regaining Lost Trust

Many things can damage a relationship but few are more lethal than broken trust. If you’ve broken your partner’s trust in a moment of foolishness, how do you go about winning it back?

Rena from Denver, CO writes:
I got mad and made a threat to this guy I was dating. I know this makes me look bad, but things just happened between us and before I knew it we were dating. I threatened to tell his family about us when we got in a fight one day. I’m a very temperamental person and I keep escalating the situation until it blows up in my face. now he wont talk to me at all. He said that once I made the threat he shut me out. I really like this guy and I realize I have anger problems and I work hard to resolve them. but he doesn’t understand this his lack of communication led to me being angry in the first place. I’ve apologized many times, I don’t know what else to do. Is there anything else I can do?

I do think this situation is resolvable, but it’s going to take you reaching out to him first. I know he isn’t talking to you for the moment, which is tough on its own to fix. Have you tried reaching him through a mutual friend? That can be a good approach since not only will it get your message delivered, but it will also give him the benefit of the mutual friend’s good opinion of you. If that doesn’t work, I’d suggest a hand-written letter since that that shows effort and also tends to catch a person off-guard; people seldom receive hand-written letters anymore and there’s a good chance if he gets one from you he’ll read the contents. Just don’t deliver it to his house—make sure to send it to the office, or even walk up to him in person and hand it to him yourself.

I don’t think the reason that he shut you out is your anger so much as the breach of trust you created when you threatened him. I understand that you are frustrated with his situation with his family and want him to make a decision sooner or later about who he really wants to be with. These things do take time though; this is a major life change, and it is important for him to have the chance to tell his family his decision in his own way. The way in which he tells them could determine how he feels about that choice for the rest of his life. If he chooses to be with you but the way in which his family finds out is destructive, he may regret his choice, even if it was the “right” one. What you’re dealing with is hopefully the protective urge that caused him to start a family in the first place and not shame. That’s a good trait. If he finds a constructive way to tell them about you (especially if children are involved), then there will be fewer emotional scars all around, including for you.

That being said, how do you win back his trust? My suggestion is to give him some collateral. If you trust him, then think of something you don’t want anyone to know about you, something of equal proportion if you can, and tell him that thing. 

That way you’ll be standing on equal ground. If he feels that you no longer have the advantage on him, and sees that you are willing to trust him with something sensitive, then he may finally feel ready to open up to you again. Let him know that you are very sorry for breaking his trust (not just for your anger management issues), and that you understand the importance of him being able to choose the way in which he communicates his choice to his family. But don’t let him put it off forever—figure out how long you’re willing to wait on him and explain that you are looking for more communication, and that you need him to make up his mind. You deserve to be treated with fairness and respect in this situation, just as he does, and that will need to come from him as much as from you. Let us know how things work out.

Damn, We Make Some Stupid Dating Mistakes! Just a Random Thought…

One of the best things about having good platonic male friends is that I’m able to get a glimpse into the entertaining dating life of an adult male.

While discussing New Year’s Eve plans with a male friend of mine, we (as usual) came across the topic of dating. Naturally, this friend is keeping his options open by dating a few ladies at one time. Two of the females want more while he’s content with the way things are. Another one thinks they’re in a relationship just because he cooked a meal for her and they did the nasty a few times. Another one, after only knowing my friend for a month, wants him to meet her son.

As he’s telling me these stories, I realize that we (women) make the same mistakes again and again and again when it comes to dating and relationships.

Below is just a few of the mistakes we make:

1.       Trusting a man too soon. Trust is something that should be EARNED and let’s face it, most men you meet will not be trustworthy. There are many sharks out there, so it’s best to protect your heart…and other body parts.

2.      Having extremely highexpectations too soon. I’ve noticed that women like to romanticize situations from the moment they go on that first date. For the love of God and yourself – please stop!!!  You may be setting yourself up for some major disappointment.

3.      Giving too much too soon. This one is a pattern of mine. I can admit it. When I really like a guy, I tend to go above and beyond in every aspect too soon in the dating situation – and we’re not even talking about the relationship stage yet. When we stop dating a few months to a year later, I’m kicking myself for having done so much for that person for nothing. If it’s reciprocated, I see no problem with it, but this is rarely the case.

4.      Having sex on the first date. I’m sorry…I know we are modern, sexually liberated females and all, but I still think this is a mistake – especially since (and we women know this) it’s probably not going to be as good for you as it will be for him. What’s the rush?

5.      Assuming exclusivity. Unless the two of you have had ‘the talk’ and you’ve both agreed to having a relationship or seeing each other exclusively, you are not in a relationship. This is especially true if you’re dating someone who’s into online dating.

Much of the above are pieces of advice we’ve heard from our mothers, aunts, and grandmothers for years. And you know what?? The shit still applies!  Wisdom usually comes with years of experience. If I’ve learned anything in my 31 years, it’s certainly that small truth. I only wish I’d listen to a few of these ‘Words of Wisdom’ from the strong women in my family when I was younger. Could’ve saved myself from Lord knows how much overall disappointment and pissed offedness!