A few people have asked for a post on this from the FB
page. Not "Trusting Your
Instincts," as Alex Wise covered that perfectly just this week (If you have not yet read
that, do so right now. Dude totally nails it), but more trusting in
general. And since I am a cynical guy who has trusted virtually no one ever, it
sounded to me like a challenge.
What sort of trust are we talking about? The trust you have that a cab driver is going to deliver you to your destination quickly and safely, rather than ending you in a ball of flame and shredded steel? Or the trust that this guy is not going to fillet your heart for his own amusement? The first type of trust is easy. The other is very hard indeed.
As an example of the first type, the readers here trust us to be honest and fair in answering questions. Objectively speaking, that is an expectation that is totally unenforcable, so why have it at all? The presumption of good faith, the basis of all trust, is the cornerstone of our legal and moral code. We simply expect people to do what they are paid to do, to the best of their ability and with all due care and attention. We punish them if they don't. Without that ideal, society simply wouldn't run.
Add emotions or beliefs into the mix though, and it is a whole 'nother ball game. "We find it difficult to grant that other people come to their conclusions in good faith if they reach a conclusion that is different than ours," Someone who disagrees with you, or argues with you, you almost automatically assume is dealing in bad faith and is untrustworthy with a malfunctioning brain.
Enter "The Player." He may not be an actual player, of course, maybe a common or garden con merchant, but they all use the same techniques of confident professionalism, attentive listening and mirroring then leading to disarm suspicion and gain your trust as rapidly as possible.
What sort of trust are we talking about? The trust you have that a cab driver is going to deliver you to your destination quickly and safely, rather than ending you in a ball of flame and shredded steel? Or the trust that this guy is not going to fillet your heart for his own amusement? The first type of trust is easy. The other is very hard indeed.
As an example of the first type, the readers here trust us to be honest and fair in answering questions. Objectively speaking, that is an expectation that is totally unenforcable, so why have it at all? The presumption of good faith, the basis of all trust, is the cornerstone of our legal and moral code. We simply expect people to do what they are paid to do, to the best of their ability and with all due care and attention. We punish them if they don't. Without that ideal, society simply wouldn't run.
Add emotions or beliefs into the mix though, and it is a whole 'nother ball game. "We find it difficult to grant that other people come to their conclusions in good faith if they reach a conclusion that is different than ours," Someone who disagrees with you, or argues with you, you almost automatically assume is dealing in bad faith and is untrustworthy with a malfunctioning brain.
Enter "The Player." He may not be an actual player, of course, maybe a common or garden con merchant, but they all use the same techniques of confident professionalism, attentive listening and mirroring then leading to disarm suspicion and gain your trust as rapidly as possible.
A good con artist, like a good therapist, can have you trusting him inside of ten minutes, simply because you wish to trust him by default and he knows the tools to use. It really is that simple.
A good person, on the other hand, may take months for you to begin to trust fully, as they are living their own lives. It is one of the main reasons trust issues start appearing about three months into any relationship. Your guy is no longer agreeing with you on everything. Your life is a very important, yet secondary, priority for them.
There are two parts to trust. The part you do, and the part the other person does to keep you trusting. As you can never control another's actions, learn to control and monitor your own. Watch for the warning signs that someone is out to con you hard, but try not to be too suspicious.
Most people are good and worthy of trust. Especially the ones you disagree with.
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