вторник, 10 декабря 2019 г.

Don’t Let Your Tongue Ruin it For You : Backpage Dating

Remember women like your sassy older aunts, the seemingly frail church ladies, or the nosey “neighbor lady” who was always ready to tattle on you? You know, the ones who would blurt out the darndest things, anytime… anywhere – and get away with it? It often seems that being an “old lady” has it privileges, at least when it comes to speaking your mind without apology and with little to no regard for anyone else’s feelings.

As women, many of us live the majority of our lives not getting what we want, simply because we don’t ask for it. We’re so afraid of offending someone, not being liked, or being perceived as overly aggressive, that our true feelings get suppressed and many of our needs go unmet. Somewhere around 40ish we find that buried voice and start making up for lost time. The question is, is that new outspokenness serving our communication or sabotaging it?



I’ve met some wonderful women who, after discovering the voice of their true selves, have become “deliciously” outspoken in midlife. I’ve also encountered women who are completely fed up from having stifled their wants, needs and desires for far too long. Alas, after a lifetime of being invisible, she has found her voice and she’s not afraid to use it. But it’s not quite that simple. While finding our voice can be one of the best things we ever do, the inability to use that voice effectively can damage relationships with our families, close friends and significant others. It can even be damaging to our health.

Speaking up doesn’t mean being tactless, obnoxious or aggressive. Get your needs met? Absolutely! But never at someone else’s expense. Communication must be fair to be effective and every time we open our mouth, we must take personal responsibility for the things we say.

Here’s a few tips to help you get the most out of your new found voice:

They’re not psychic.. they’re family! People, no matter how much they love us, can not read our minds. It’s our responsibility to let others know what we want and how we feel.

Passive is not pretty. If something isn’t the way you want it to be or if you’re being treated in a way that’s not acceptable for you, make the choice to deal with it. If you choose not to deal with it you forfeit your right to sit around brooding about it. And please, don’t be a “yes” woman, you’ll grow to resent it.

Be open and honest. There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone to do something for us. But using hurt or anger to get your way is a foul play. Hurt and anger are both aggressive communication tactics. When you guilt someone into getting your way, you are using hurt. When you intimidate someone into getting your way, you are using anger. You may gain some short term benefits, but in the long run it’s you who’ll be the biggest loser “Payback is a b$#ch!” as the saying goes, but payback is something best left out of your dealings with people. Revenge will age you quickly and take more of a toll on you than the one you’re aiming for. Trying to pay someone back or teach someone a lesson by gossiping, sabotaging, withdrawing attention or affection such as touching, talking, or even sex is no way to get our needs met. Payback sneaks in with the promise of making you feel good but in the end, will leave you wrinkled, lifeless, broke (in spirit) and alone.

Within your voice lies the ultimate creation tool – the power of life and death. If you don’t use your voice you’re not really living. But use it with compassion and you’ll live a life well lived. Live out loud ladies! Live out loud!
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вторник, 3 декабря 2019 г.

My Boyfriend Has Girlfriends: 5 Ways to Deal With It



There you are in the beautiful beginnings of a new relationship; you’re getting to know each other and finding ways to bring two lives together. He’s a great guy with tons of personality and you love his outgoing nature but there is one thing you weren’t quite counting on, his horde of female friends.
I speak from experience in this area, having been with my boyfriend for 10 years now; I had to do some serious soul searching when we first started dating. He was the social butterfly and having three younger sisters he’d acquired a lot of very close female friends. They were always around and they’d grown up together so I immediately felt like I was an intruder in some secret world. I didn’t know the inside jokes, I couldn’t keep all of their names straight and let’s be honest there was a pang of jealousy when I’d see them all hanging out together. Trust me it wasn’t a smooth road to that place of understanding I had to admit to myself my boyfriend has girlfriends and I had to find ways to deal with it.
So if you find yourself in a similar situation and aren’t quite sure what to do, I’m here to bestow my wisdom on you with 5 ways to deal with it.

They’re Not the Enemy 5 ways To Deal

Assumption makes an ass out of you and me

Don’t make assumptions about the relationships your boyfriend has with his friends, even if it is easy to think that they all want him. You see him in the light of love, they don’t. Take a minute to think about your own relationships with the opposite sex, do you want everyone of your male friends? Before you start calling them a bunch of whores consider all the other amazing things about your boyfriend and why they might enjoy spending time with him.

Give them a chance

I know the instinct to hate might be strong but don’t block the girls out so quickly. Women are taught to compete with each other and you automatically view them as a threat. Instead of acting coldly when they come around sit and have a conversation. You never know you might even develop some genuine friendships. Find some common ground and learn a little about them, once you get to know them they’ll feel like less of threat.

Talk it out but don’t freak out

The absolute best thing to do is talk to him about it; keep in mind he may not get it. Men don’t understand the female dynamic, he may not understand you saying you feel threatened, for him its just little Jane that he’s known since he was three. Take your time and don’t freak out, explain how it makes you feel, if there’s specific things that bother you spell them out for him. If he’s still not getting it, put the shoe on the other foot and ask him how he feels about your male friends.

Take a Look in the Mirror

Sometimes you have to take a deeper look at yourself. If his female friends are causing that much a problem for you, take a step back and figure out what it is that bothers you. Unless they’re hanging off your boyfriend and being completely inappropriate it might be you. Jealous and insecurity go hand in hand and they’re both perfectly natural, unfortunately unless you address the core issues it won’t matter if it’s your boyfriend’s friends or your best friend’s friends, you’ll find the same issues.

Allow Time for Change

As women we like to see things happen immediately, well some things take time. If you’ve talked with your boyfriend, made an effort with his girl friends and taken a look in the mirror, give time for change. You can’t ask him to drop his female friends but you can ask that certain things change. Don’t go off on him if it doesn’t happen the next day, the more understanding you are the easier the transition will be.
There you have it, 5 ways to deal with your boyfriend’s girlfriends. You can do all of these things until your blue in the face but the number one thing you have to do it communicate. This is your relationship and no one can come between the two of you unless you allow it. Be open about your feelings and be calm in your delivery, you boyfriend will be more receptive to that and you won’t look crazy.
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пятница, 29 ноября 2019 г.

Exorcising Your Ex


So you broke up months ago, called it quits, said your goodbyes… At that moment, something happens. It’s called a “break” up for a reason- emphasis on “break”. The intention is to break off from the person who you have been seeing, end the relationship-not change the status of the relationship like a Facebook profile from “in a relationship” to “it’s complicated”. Why, on God’s earth would anybody willingly change their relationship status to “it’s complicated”? Really it’s not complicated, it’s a choice, and it’s yours. Once you choose to breakup, then “break” it off completely. Holding on to your ex and that relationship can be toxic and does get “complicated”, and usually involves more hurt, confusion, and resentment.

Trust Your Intuition


 It’s so true there is nothing more telling than your own intuition. If you were unhappy in the relationship, suspected cheating, thought he was controlling, didn’t think he would be a good father, provider, head of the household-whatever the calculated reason was that you ended the relationship, is without a doubt a VALID reason. And that reason you left is NEVER gonna change, no matter if you downgrade your relationship to “it’s complicated” or “friendship”, all you’ll find for sure is that those issues will still be there, and downgrading the relationship to feel those issues less does not make them go away… Just masks them for a while. After a breakup your emotions sometimes get the best of you, you forget what reasons you had for leaving, you miss him, you remember the good times, you are left questioning your motives. Left wondering if your love is enough to overlook those issues… STOP right there. This is exactly the thinking that leads to that “it’s complicated” status that so many of us willingly adopt. Once it’s over-it’s over. Once it’s broken- it’s broken. It will never be the same, and like Humpty Dumpty it will never be put back together again. Trust your instincts, trust your intuition, cut ties-breakup.

Move On

The sooner you cut ties physically(no phone calls, text messages, emails, candid conversations over coffee), the sooner you will heal emotionally and be able to close the door. But the more you allow him to stick around your life, remind you of the good times, beg for you back-the less you will trust your original decision to leave and the more complicated it will become. It may be hard at first, you may be lonely, you may miss those early morning text message saying “I love you”, or those bedtime goodnight calls… But trust me a couple months of a little emotional discomfort is better than dragging it out for a couple of years claiming, “it’s complicated”. Give it up, stick to your guns, cut him off, get him out of your system-Move On!

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четверг, 28 ноября 2019 г.

How To Make A Man From Texas Want You – Texas Men Made Easy

I’d been lonely for a very long time, and any mention of my love life made me feel deeply unhappy. If you’ve ever been a situation like mine, then you must know how it is to badly want to know how to make a man want you. I’d used to think that I knew my way around this territory, but then I was suddenly plagued by the feeling that I had no real insight into Texas men whatsoever. After trying to understand things all by myself, I’d finally come to the conclusion that I really had no idea how to make a man want you.
As a woman, I was deeply unhappy that the romantic aspect of my life was meeting with such an absence of fulfillment. After a while, I began to do some research, and I sought out the advice of people who were in a situation similar to mine. To my surprise, many women were concerned with the question of how to make a man want you. I’d been ashamed to admit that this was exactly what I wanted to learn, but I had an easier time of it after finding like-minded women. After all, everyone wants to be loved, and there’s nothing wrong with openly stating the desire.
In these discussions of how to make a man want you, one product I heard mentioned repeatedly was a program known as “Men Made Easy.” After hearing so many other women speak about how this really helped them figure out a solution to their problem of how to make Texas men want you, I decided to take a look at the program myself. After all, I didn’t feel like I had very much to lose; like I said, I was quite unhappy, and I really wanted to know how to make a guy want you. I was almost ready to take any lead whatsoever.
If Looking for Texas Men Try Loveawake Gallery

Well, given my state of mind, I was really surprised at what I found. The program was a pretty simple e-book, and it really didn’t take me much effort to understand it. The advice seemed both foreign and intimate to me—not as though I’d really learned something; more as though I’d remembered something I already knew. But at the same time, I also knew that nothing except this particular manual could have really made me remember. The thing was specifically designed for women wondering how to make a man want you, so it spoke to me in exactly the way I needed to be spoken to.
I could definitely understand why the “Men Made Easy” program had been spoken of so favorably by so many of the other women who were in the same situation as me, wanting nothing more than to know how to make a guy want you. The e-book gave me some rather profound insight on the psychology of men and the psychology of women, as well as what happens when these two different psychologies interact with each other. Among other things, I was shown that how to make a man want you is relatively the same whether you’re talking about dating or marriage—so, whatever level of commitment I wanted, I could use this knowledge within my life.
Well, after I took this stuff to heart, my dating life definitely picked up, and my life situation changed completely. Over about a year, I dated a series of three Texas men for a few months each, and I was completely astonished at how closely their actions and reactions came to matching the descriptions of psychology laid out in the “Men Made Easy” program. But what was even more amazing to me was that I was able to use my knowledge to get the results that I desired. I was scared of being manipulative at first; but then I decided that all women are playing the same game of how to make Texas men want you, and it was nice to know the rules.
After that year was done, I finally found the person who I now think of as the love of my life, and I’m still with that man to this day. Needless to say, I’m not lonely and unhappy anymore. Kara’s “Men Made Easy” program more or less revolutionized my life. I’m only sharing this story with you all just in case any of you are in similar situation to the one I was in before. I know that if anyone had known how to make a man want you, I would’ve definitely wanted to hear from her.
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вторник, 26 ноября 2019 г.

Is Racial Profiling Good For Our Multiculture

Rarely do I get involved with political topics, but I’ve been thinking about the multicultural environment in Arizona.  Honestly it has me irritated.  I’ve always known that Arizona is conservative state with it’s own wild west justice.  From Tent City in the desert heat to John McCain, Arizona is a different place in my book.  So when I heard that Arizona is planning to enforce their own immigration law, I was a bit shocked to hear the details.


The part that disturbs me is that the proposed law encourages racial profiling.  I didn’t grow up in the era when racial profiling was a popular tool for law enforcement.  It has been on the decline during my life.  But I’ve heard the horror stories and I’ve watched some suspicious law enforcement activity.  So I don’t understand how anything good can come from this new law.

I understand that the citizens of Arizona are concerned with rising crime rates and they feel that the illegal immigrants are the cause.  But is that really the cause of the problem or is it the excuse?  I’m sure if you use that mathematical equation, the crime rate should be low in areas like Little Rock, Tulsa, Salt Lake City or Nashville.  But that’s not the case.  What about all the immigrants from other countries?  Isn’t there a large number of immigrants from Europe, Asia and India?  Does this mean that the only safe people are blonde blue eyed people?  I’ve never heard of a blond blue eyed person complain of racial profiling.


So why am I writing about this?  Well there will be plenty of innocent people that will fall victim to this legal way to racial profile.  I’ve met plenty of biracial people who have a Hispanic/Mexican appearance.  Alpha Boy was one of them when he was younger.  I’ve spent a lot of time in South Beach/Miami area and I always get profiled as Cuban.  I’m not sure if that’s because the color of my eyes or the bright ass colors of my cloths.  Either way, nothing good can come from it.


I’m wondering what group of people in America has the largest chance of dealing with racial profiling.  I’m would guess that interracial daters deal with racial profiling more often.  Not just because that’s the topic of IDW, but because it’s true.  For years interracial daters have dealt with harassment from law enforcement. Recently I heard a story from a friend who was stopped by the police and they asked his wife if “he” was her pimp.  I almost fell out my chair laughing, but it’s still happens in 2019.

So I want to know how do you feel about the proposed law?  Is this a good thing for the multicultural environment that we are attempting to cultivate in America?  Or will this set us back 50 years?
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The Thin Myth: The Early Years

The Thin Myth is the idea I dreamed up that if only I were thinner, than the world would be my oyster, as long as I chose grilled fish instead.  The “thin myth” started very young.  As I stated before, I was not a huge child, just a little chubiniski.  My weight was such a point of contention and anxiety in my household.  In the late seventies and early eighties, it was difficult to get “plus-sized” kids clothes.  They did have “huskies” for boys at places like JC Penny or Sears, but nothing for girls.  I guess we were not supposed to exist.  I would have gladly worn boy’s jeans if it meant my mother would stop sighing whenever we went shopping.  My mother and grandmother would make me clothes and I remember feeling so guilty that I would make so much work for them because I was not like other girls.  I remember standing on a chair in my grandmother’s living room while my brother was outside playing so she can hem my dress.  I remember her winkled face crinkling even more as her mouth frowned and her brow furrowed and her saying, well, I guess I have to let out the seams, again.  I remember standing in my t-shirt and panties feeling as vulnerable as ever with hot tears welling in my eyes willing them not to fall.  I remember putting on my shorts and a tee-shirt (probably with either a kitten or a unicorn on it) and riding my bike around the block over and over by myself to exhaustion.  I rode until my tears were replaced with sweat trying to somehow put as much distance between myself and the humiliation only to loop back again to the scene of the crime.  Later at dinner, when I finally had to go inside, I only consumed the number of forkfuls as I had years on earth, seven.  To my memory, this was my first crash diet.
My weight kept me back from so many activities in my life.  It was not even that my weight prevented me from doing anything physical.  What it really came down to was embarrassment.  I played basketball in fourth grade a bit, but because I was too afraid to ask my parents for new sweatpants, I quit.  I actually kind of liked the game.  I did do Girl Scouts.  Even though I did not take it very seriously nor did it “cure” my social awkwardness, the Girl Scouts it did help me be a bit more social and teach me some about nature, service to others, and how to sell some cookies.  Yeah, let’s take chubby girl struggling with her weight in an ill-fitting green skirt and have her sell cookies.
The Thin Myth continued throughout my childhood and teen years.  Even thinking about it now, how many clubs I did not join, how many activities I did not do, and how many heartbreaks I endured because of the iron clad belief that I was not good enough the way I was and if I only got my weight under control, everything would be okay.  I remember in eighth grade I did not go out for student council because I was afraid people would make fun of me.  As if being on student council in middle school is not humiliating enough.
As I have described so far is how I discriminated against myself.  I have told you how my shame and fear of anticipatory social anguish kept me back all those years.  I could tell you some sad stories about how other students, family members, even teachers would tease, berate, and bar me from activities because of my size.  Once again, even if I look at pictures an when I am very honest with myself, I was NOT obese, just not thin.  I am not going to tell those stories because to start with, they paint me in a very negative light.  Second, they are just too painful to bring to mind let alone write on “paper.”  Giving them any more oxygen to those memories just give them that much more power.  Those painful weight-related memories loom in mind like a scary black blob eating up all my happiness.  In my adult years, with a lot of therapy and self-help books, the monster is somewhat contained, caged in my memory like the boogie man, but that doesn’t mean you still leave the closet door open just in case he escapes.
The problem with the Thin Myth is that it is, unfortunately, true.  Overweight people face bias in the workplace, in society, in dating, and overweight kids face bias even from their own parents.  See the attached articles if you don’t believe me.  And if you don’t believe me, look at yourself.  Have you run across a fat kid and wonder, even in well-intentioned kindness, “What is wrong with that kid?” or “Why aren’t the parents doing anything?”  Or do you watch an obese person at a buffet and watch what they are eating and make sure you don’t choose the same thing in the mortal fear that you too will “catch the fat”?
I have forgiven the little girl I once was.  I see what was under my control and what was not.  As an adult, I am trying to make better health choices, although vanity is still a factor in my “reinvention.”  I would like to get to a healthy weight so I can live a fuller, more active lifestyle. I would also like to be in a place where people look at me and not my weight.  I would like to be in a place where people do not make judgments on my character based on my weight.  But in the meantime, I am not going to sit on the sidelines of life waiting for the magic number on the scale to tell me now is the time to enjoy life.  Right now I have to put on stiff upper lip even if I have wobbly upper thighs and face the world in the body I have now.  You have no idea what kind of courage it takes to walk around in a big body unless you have lived in one.
For more information on weight bias and the affects on the child, please see below
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What does a girl gotta do to get some April Freshness?

I had a major breakdown over laundry.  I literally cried over laundry.  First week in the new place and I was all ready to do laundry in the washing machine located just outside my door.  I had gone to Wal-Mart (yes, Wal-Mart… I amnnot too good for Wal-Mart) and bought laundry detergent all ready to go.  I am an independent woman!  I can make it on my own!  But I come back to find the washer in the apt
building’s hallway is half full of skuzzy water.  I came back to the bedroom and started whine, wince, and I might have even cried just a little.  My new boyfriend looked at me trying to figure out what color of crazy I was going to be today. He just didn’t get it.
For reference, I just officially signed over my part of the
house just the day before.  That did end in tears.  It was sad.  I lived in that house with my husband for eight and a half years and I walked away.  All that comfort and security was gone.  I was leaving a good man that I am not even all that angry with, but we both know that any hope for a romantic or family life together is long past dead.  But still, it was difficult.  I would not wish that moment on anyone.  It was harder signing the house over than it was signing the divorce papers.  The divorce was documenting the end of a partnership and I knew that was over.  But signing over the house was signing over my home… my heart.  Home is where the heart is and my heart is broken.  My
house is gone.
And this is where the new boyfriend got a little hurt.  I was whining about my old house, my old washing machine and the comfort of convenience of the washer and dryer was a symbol of everything I walked away from.  I then suggested that maybe I should have gone to Florida after all.  I wouldn’t have a job right away, but I could
have lived in a “family” set up with my dad and stepmom and I sure as hell could have done laundry.  He got really hurt by this.  He was like, “what am I, chopped liver?”  Of course, he didn’t say
this because he is not a stereo-type New Yorker circa 1955.  He was more like, “You would crawl back to
your loveless marriage, run away to your Daddy’s, walk away from me, for what?  Laundry?  Because you are too good for a
Laundromat?  He had a point.
The thing about the new boyfriend is two things:  He is blunt and he will not abide by my
mediocrity.  He will not allow me to settle.  This will probably get us into some arguments, but we are both passionate people who passionately love each other and an argument about laundry will not finish us.  Besides, he’s an attorney.  He argues professionally.  With a man like that, you have to expect to have a few fights.  I know if I do not hold my own that I cannot hold his attention. Lucky for us both, I know how to push back and how to hold on.  I’m not going to let a catch like Gilley go so easily. J
So, I carried my laundry two buildings over to a free
washing machine.  I can’t help but feel
like this is a step back.  I had superb
HE front loading state of the art washer and dryer on pedestals. These machines
would not only wash your clothes, they could cleanse your soul!  I know we paid a pretty penny for them and I
hope my ex appreciates them.  I miss them
like crazy.  I told my brother about the
breakdown and he understood in a way my boyfriend could not.  It is a step back.
In big cities like New York City the Laundromat can be
humbling, but it is also seen as just another chore.  Hardly anyone owns their own home or have the
space or inclination to have washer/dryer hookups.  Laundromats can even be trendy in big cities
or college towns complete with coffee shops, Wi-Fi, and trendy people folding
their designer hipster clothing finding love during the rinse cycle.  But I do not live in a sitcom.  This is suburban Indianapolis where Laundromats
are populated by the young, the poor, and the immigrant.  I know that sounds snobby, but it is
true.  I am a 35 year-old, educated,
professional woman.  I did have a house.  I did have status and comfort.  And I lost it.  It is a shock.  Don’t judge me.
I called my brother, and he felt my pain.  He understood what a shock it could be to
wake up one day in a strange place in an apartment with a cat beside an
interstate and you have no idea how you got there.  Scrounging the apt. for change to do laundry
is sobering.
I went down to visit him and he allowed me to do laundry in
his very own HE front loading machines with softened water.  He has no idea how blessed he really is.
There are things to consider when you don’t have access to
washing machines.  Questions that you
never thought you’d ask yourself.
How many times can I “recycle” jeans before they absolutely
need to be washed?  (about 4 times)
How dirty is “dirty”?
The “sniff test” has a whole new meaning.
Reds and darks can be washed together if everything is on
cold, right?
Is underwear completely necessary?
I will love again.  I
will own a home again.  I told my bf if
he is serious about me that I care more about HE washing machine than a fancy
diamond ring.
Truth be told… I kinda want both.  I am saving up already to purchase a new house.
I will love again and I will again do laundry in my own
home!  I believe in LOVE! I believe in
ME!  I believe in laundry!  As God as my witness, I will never scrounge
for quarters again!
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