среда, 12 февраля 2020 г.

It’s Not Just A Title: The Maine Backpage Debate



Backpage, the words seem so elementary don’t they? I can still remember in grade school Christopher Hamilton secretly slipping a note on my desk as he walked past, pretending to need to sharpen his pencil. Scribbled on the somewhat crumpled piece of looseleaf was five little words,

 WILL YOU BE MY GIRLFRIEND?



To this request I said yes and me and Chris were in relationship bliss for a whole two hours-that’s when recess rolled around and the thought of having to hold his hand or sit next to him repulsed me, so I quickly changed my mind. My shortest relationship to date, but Chris didn’t care, he was so excited to be able to call me his girlfriend-it meant something to him.

 Nowadays, that’s not the case. I hear more and more people talking about not wanting “the title”. They want to date without calling it Backpage. Is it because they’ve been hurt so many times in the past that they don’t trust? Or is it just because in our society today people are more afraid and reluctant to make commitments and stick to them? Some people will tell you that the title means nothing.

 Truth is Backpage has lots of meaning associated with it. There are certain requirements, expectations, and commitments that go along with that title. It’s like getting a promotion at work. You receive a new title and along with that title often times comes more responsibility, a greater commitment, and yes, greater pay. You are entitled to enjoy the greater benefits that the title brings, but with greater responsibility. When you make the step from just dating to being in a relationship it is much like getting that job promotion. Although within each individual relationship the expectations may differ, the point in which you enter into a said relationship, expectations arise.

 Without defined expectations, a relationship is sure to fizzle out, usually because one or both parties are not getting what they need or want-because they’ve yet to define to the other person what they expect from them. This is the whole purpose of the whole Backpage phenom. As elementary as it may sound to a woman who is divorced in her early forties with teenagers who also have “boyfriends” it is what defines the commitment and benefits level of a relationship. Remember, often times if the relationship is not defined, there’s no relationship.


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вторник, 11 февраля 2020 г.

Canadian Hookup Adventure


Some dudes are emotionally dumb. Most dudes. They have no empathy, and thus no insight into what a woman’s feeling.


“When a woman is into a guy, she finds excuses to free her schedule.” You spoke the gospel, Moxie. As a man, you’re not just competing against every other guy chatting her up on OkCupid, but also and more so against the EXCITEMENT SHE FEELS about all of those guys chatting her up on Loveawake. You have to be better than the thrill she gets from multiple guys hustling for her time. That’s tough, and takes your attention and your effort. If he (or any man) wants a woman to open up her schedule for him, he had better earn it. Or he can “just be himself” and end up having to send his sob story into a dating column.


I’m in an offline hookup “upswing” currently. When a woman seems resistant and plays the “next week is so busy” card, I play it cool in a way that alludes to the fact that I have options, just like her. My standard line in that situation, word-for-word: “No worries. I’ll be patient, and hope that no one sweeps either of us off of our feet by then.” Then I’ll call her (NOT TEXT), midway through the week to reconnect.


Or she could just be busy. She could have plans with friends, be going out of town, working, whatever. The canned lamenting about having to wait to see her is a huge turn off. Why are you demanding her time when you just met? Play it cool, my friend.

Play it cool. Although based on my hookup experiences you MAY be correct, i dont like this play it cool game. Its fake. Why play it cool? Play it how you feel it just dont make the other person feel like they dont have space and cant breath. But definitly dont play anything. Im not saying to lamely just “Be yourself” im saying dont just play the cool fool who who lets some other guy dance with your girl. Go take your girl.

My general view is that trying to set up a date the immediate weekend after a Wednesday first date is too soon. Even if you had no plans for the weekend, I think it makes you seem too available and/or lacing in impulse control which is a potential kiss of death for a man. I don’t agree with Moxie’s view that dating has changed in a way that requires rushing things – yes, she has many options. Women always do. And… always have. The key is to create the appearance that you have options too.

Otherwise, I agree with Moxie’s advice that the proper response to a “booked” situation is to just play along and allow her to control the pace. You don’t need to know the answer if she’s “really” interested or not. Time will tell – I would check in with her, she will come around and reciprocate if she’s interested. Trying to guilt her into seeing you after one date is a very bad idea, in my opnion.

I think it’s absolutely fine to see someone again a few days after a first date. In my view, its all in how you ask though. You don’t want to come off like you had nothing else going on or that you’re entirely freeing up your schedule to see this person again. You should have plans ready that you can mention. Something you were doing anyway that you can just invite her to rather than asking her out again. Its much more casual hookup and less pressure. I like Horace’s line too. Prob start using that…

Even though most people are cool with short hookups during the workweek, i don’t assume that anyone is going to be willing to go out on dates on a work night. Some people can seem overly fussy about never letting themselves stay out late if it’s not a weekend. It’s not weird in and of itself if someone you’ve just started dating can only see you once or twice a week in the beginning. It’s also not weird for that person to have to tie up a lot of loose ends before a relationship can fall into place. That includes fulfilling plans she made before you met her and dates that she already has on her roster. It’s curious that this guy doesn’t seem to have asked her about her work schedule or what she’s doing for the next two weekends. I don’t think I’ve ever come away from a first date not knowing when the guy gets home from hookup and the details of the fun things he’s doing over the weekend.
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вторник, 4 февраля 2020 г.

Ontario Backpage Ads



While I agree that the men can pick up on a woman’s vulnerability, I think initially the woman meets a man who she believes is out of her league (so she thinks) and pursues him because of that. That’s all tied to the insecurity and vulnerability. Having that man in her life validates her and helps her deal with her insecurity.

Kitchener Backpage Ads

You never said what your family thought of him. I’ve been in situations where my mother didn’t like the Kitchener backpage person I was seeing, and she was right in feeling that way. It’s important for you to meet his family, because a man’s relationship with them says a lot about his character and how he will treat you in the future. All relationships start off perfect, so there is no indication that this will work in the long run, although nothing is guaranteed in life, except death. I wish you the best of luck.

Halifax Ads

Hi Carina, I’m reading your question and it looks like the relationship that started too fast for me too, fast forward a year and a half and he still is not ready to commit. I feel like this kind of guys are already so afraid of commitment that they would lie to themselves that they want to commit when in reality they are never ready. Could you please give an update on this thread? Thanks
Try not to panic or over think this Halifax backpage. Things look good so sit back and enjoy. Just because he mentioned moving in doesn’t mean you have to. You also don’t have to get married or preggers this year either.

Brampton Dating Backpages

I moved pretty fast in my relationship/marriage too but things felt right and I just went with the flow. I always get a bit irked when the term unhealthy is thrown around to describe these relationships. My Brampton backpage husband is by far the most emotionally healthy, stable and balanced person I know. Also timing is important where when you two have finished maturing from the experience from past relationships and things tend to flow smoother as there are less kinks to work out.

Guelph Dating

Different relationships reach milestones at different stages. Being in one where the milestones took forever or never happened at all to one where it happened quickly I can’t say slow is always always better. I would just enjoy and not make any giant moves for at least 3-6 months just to make sure you are getting a chance to see the real Guelph backpage personality underneath. Also going on vacation is a great idea because you are both in an unfamiliar place doing your own bits of problem solving while having a good time. If you manage this without murdering it can be a good sign for compatibility. Deciding to step back and be distant just because could hurt any positive momentum you two got going and create drama where there isn’t any. Just relax and enjoy.

I agree with Saj – enjoy the new relationship, take the keys for convenience and leave some stuff there..but don’t move in, give up your apt, give up making friends etc. You will continue to meet his friends and spend time together and any personality quirks will come out in the next six months..and then you can see from there. That said..keep your eyes open and don’t marry someone who you don’t really know..because of the rush there is the potential that he is lonely, trying to get over something, depressed etc. and looking for the new girl in town for the fix.. 
Kingston backpage

One more thing — I have lived in NYC and in Florida. The mind set of people are totally different in each place. People I knew in NYC were more driven and individualistic, and frankly thought more about how things affected them rather than “us”. There was always a slight wariness of how being a couple would infringe on their life.


People I knew in Ontario were more into coupling up, combining and sharing a life. More old fashioned in a way. And more willing to take the leap into marriage. That said, I knew plenty of women in Florida who were working on their 3rd husband before reaching 30.

I wouldn’t move in with him. But don’t be scared off because he wants you. Take his advice and wait a year before getting engaged. If you still love him after a year, then go get hitched and have a great life together!

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Text Game


Text Game - I hear so many guys complain about how difficult the initial phone call is when setting up a day 2 with a girl they just met. Having to reintroduce yourself, where you met, the awkward pauses, not knowing what to say. One way I’ve learned to remedy this is before I ask a girl for her number or contact info is to set up the date beforehand. In set, after we’ve established attraction, created rapport and are now at a point where we are sharing information about ourselves, I might say something like, “I need to hit the mall and get some new shoes. You should join me.” Or you could say, “Do you know of such and such place (a new bar, store, etc)…I heard it was really cool…I’m going to check it out with some friends this week…you should meet us.”
This is so different from asking a girl to a coffee date or after work drink because its far less risky for both of you. You are actually going to be doing a particular activity, and her presence or your being there together is secondary. It takes off all the pressure.
The Dating Matrix provides sample phone conversations when setting up day 2’s, as well providing a checklist of how to behave and what to say. For those instances when you get a number from a girl and have not set up an activity in advance, I recommend you text. Of course if you have been reading my blog, you know I advocate texting at about a 5 to 1 ratio to making phone calls in any situation. But regardless, text game is easy to get good at, and without any in person awkwardness.
I’ve told you before about Flora who I met a few weeks ago at club Set. She was sitting on a couch with two other girls smoking a cigarette. I was at a VIP table with friends nearby and noticed her. My direct approach was (with a big smile) “You should know smoking isn’t good for you…then again, neither am I.” We began talking and after a few minutes her friend who was leaving came to grab her. I attempted to intervene but to no avail. Anyway, what follows is my text game starting the next day:
E: that must have been your first time at set…otherwise I would have seduced you a long time ago..lol…your friend was very protective…she probably knows I’m not good for you 
F: she didn’t say anything but im kinda picky…lol!
E: sweetie, I know ur picky…that’s why u picked me…lol
F: lol! Kinda like that
E: I like that u like that…but I would rather hear it in person…in very close proximity…perhaps whispered in my ear..lol..how do you like that 
F: that would be lovely!
E: good..now stop thinking about me and get back to work..lol
F: you’re such a player!
E: well I guess we know whats on ur mind..u weren’t expecting flowers were u..lol
F: never do!
E : oohhh..ur a bad girl…interesting..i could never take you home to mom 
F don’t get excited…i got rules
E: lol…ive heard that before..i seem to have this effect on women..whats the matter u don’t trust yourself around me 
F: of course I do!
E: not that I don’t think your rules will get thrown out the window…but for humors sake.. tell me a couple 
F: ha ha!
Generally, you will never catch me saying things like, “It was really nice meeting you last night” or “I think you are a very nice person”. This kind of crap begs you to be put into the friends zone. I’m not saying you have to be irreverent, but I find it helpful if you are confident with doses of humor. I always try to pick out a thread from our conversation and have a funny take on it. I also begin by assuming she knows me and never say “Hi, its Eric….we met last week at …”
Text Games are also a great way to qualify a prospective partner. If she doesn’t have a personality or sense of humor, its going to be apparent pretty quickly…
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четверг, 30 января 2020 г.

Craiglist Home Page


Some friends of mine who are still serving in the military, just returned from yet another overseas deployment. Some of us served together during the initial deployments after 9/11.
Even though it’s been over 12 years since my last overseas long term deployment, I remember it like yesterday. The feeling of never knowing how long you would be away from home….you had a general idea, but never a specific date.

I sent them a general message to welcome them home and to remind them that no matter when you deploy for however long, a piece of you remains there. The good and bad memories also remain. Leaving a part of your soul somewhere is the price you pay. You come home changed, and have a new perspective on the world. You appreciate things back at home and love them tenfold.
Now I reflect back on that version of myself from way back when and wonder where he went.
I’ve written about this many, many times the past year and I’m still looking for him or at least a trace of him.
I won’t revisit how bad my current project at work is. I won’t cry about the injustice of it. I’ve beaten it to death in my head, heart and caused lots of collateral damage to those close to me.
I’ve gotten advice, direct verbal assaults to deal with it…and I have to do something. Whining, complaining, crying, pouting or any other negative reactions won’t make a difference.
My loved ones both near and far worry about me and have tried repeatedly to help me find a solution.
This weekend (and Friday) I’ve had a migraine headache. (Sinus cold) But, being in constant pain has a way of beating you down some more and making you reassess things.
I have to approach tomorrow with a different view, or less of a negative one.
There is no alternative. The only thing that will happen is I get crushed even worse.
There is an end to it. No matter what happens, it will get completed. There will be more drama, complaining (by the customer) and setbacks of varying types. I have to quit coming in expecting it will be perfect, go my way…or go smoothly.
Time to bear down and make it tolerable. I have too.
I’m not sure what will happen when I go back to “The Real World” and my usual projects…but I will deal with that when it happens.
So when the project is over, completed, whatever…I can go home.
And be welcomed too.
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среда, 15 января 2020 г.

Public Service For Single Men


One year ago last week, I decided to accept a date with a Yukon guy I wasn’t sure of. Our communications had been stop and start, but they had started again and he seemed nice enough. I hedged accepting the date since he was rather short. But I wasn’t making any effort to set up dates myself anymore and I decided maybe I was being superficial anyway. So I said yes.

One year ago last weekend, I was examining his online photos. I couldn’t tell exactly what Italian single men looked like as they weren’t necessarily the best things in the world. He might have been cute or he might have been funny looking. I was hoping for cute. I was bracing for funny looking.

One year ago last weekend, I almost canceled our date and decided never to go out with Turkish male . He told me about his divorce and it hadn’t been as far away as I might have liked. I was afraid of rebounds or lingering attachments. My own healing process was still fresh in my mind. I almost called things off, but then I didn’t. What harm could one date do anyway, right?

One year ago today, I met him for brunch. We were the same height. And he was totally cute and not funny looking. I wore a top I would later learn was flashing him a bit too much cleavage when I leaned forward. He didn’t stare.

One year ago today, we were having such a good conversation over brunch that we moved downstairs to the bar area and kept talking. That date lasted about six hours. For the most part, I forgot he was short. And I wondered why I’d let our initial conversations be so stop and start.

One year ago today, I was too cautious to imagine what might come of a six hour date with a Puerto rican cute guy who was my height. I did like that he picked up the tab and walked me to my car. I liked the hug he gave me as we said goodbye. I liked that he followed up with me immediately to ask me out again. But I was too careful to imagine what might happen next.

One year ago today, I met African boy. I remember every detail of that date. I remember what we wore, what we ate, and what we drank. I remember how good the conversation was. I remember thinking maybe the height thing wasn’t so big a deal… maybe.I remember thinking he seemed pretty well adjusted about his divorce after all.  I remember looking for what would be wrong this time that would make it not work.

What I don’t remember is ever imagining that one year later we’d still be together. That height really wouldn’t be a big deal. That I would eventually be filled with hope. That we would be strong enough to overcome so many obstacles together. And yet, here we are.
What happened last week was a miscommunication. I still find hoping and believing to be difficult, and sometimes I react first and ask questions later. LC and I have done a lot of soul searching together in the past week or so. But I think it all boils down to something he said to me in the dark this last Thursday night, just before we fell asleep. Just like that, he told me his life is better because I’m in it.

One year ago today I could never have imagined how much I would love him or how much I would want to remain in his life. But today, I know. And I do. And I will. One year ago today we started something great. Here’s hoping there will be many more years of looking back at it all fondly and looking forward to what may come.
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вторник, 14 января 2020 г.

Why make it complicated? – Backpage Dating


So I’m home Monday night after dinner with some friends bored because I didn’t attend a boat party I was invited to due to weather…the whole holiday weekend the weather kind of sucked her in Miami. Anyway, I start flipping channels and land on E, my favorite network for meaningful and intelligent fare, and started watching “Denise Richards: It’s Complicated.” My God, poor Charlie Sheen. This guy should get the Presidential Freedom Award for consenting to marriage with this woman…but I digress
OK, so she’s a mom two times over, has something like 10 dogs, 2 pigs, and lives with her dad-but she’s still extremely hot. Anyway, her friend sets her up with some guy she knows. The cameras roll as they go on the “blind date.” As Denise enters the bar, the dude is sitting at the bar with his back to the entrance. When he sees her, he nearly jumps out of his seat to give her a hug. But not an alpha hug, an ass out grandmother kind of hug. Very embarrassing. Ms. Complicated is looking at her friend (who is not hot by the way-just more proof that befriending not so hot chicks usually leads to hot chicks) with a bugged out look on her face like WTF?
Ok so later on in this disaster after they’re seated, the dude starts by asking her about movies he’s seen her in and then begins gushing about her co-star Matt Dillon in Wild Things. He then uses the uber clever “Did you grow up in LA?” and follows that up with “Where do you live now?” Thoughts of the Phoenix Suns a la playoff time come to mind.
It’s really incredible to me that guys with no game and no results aren’t actively searching to get the knowledge they need to become successful with women. What I saw is so so common, and so so depressing. Homey never demonstrated any evidence of organized thinking or even the slightest deference to stages of attraction, screening, or rapport building. His frame was her frame, which is essentially no frame.
When playing celebrity game, it’s especially important to control the interaction because girls like Denise will only deal with high value guys. If you don’t demonstrate alpha characteristics, such as controlling frame (not asking about her life but including her while relating value enhancing stories about yours), creating attraction by demonstrating the universal characteristics women desire, screening her by making her explain herself on those same characteristics, and then bonding over shared emotional concepts (family, independence, adventure, etc) it’s game over.
What I just described in a nutshell can be learned by anyone but give you results that put in the top 1%. Speaking of learning you can get great dating advice from my online dating coach
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