вторник, 31 марта 2020 г.

After Intimacy He Said He “Wasn’t Expecting THAT”


After hitting the sack with her potential paramour, a reader named Jess gave her an intriguing response, and she’s looking for a manslation to try to figure out why. So — why would a man, after sex (in which he participated) say, “I wasn’t expecting that”?


Could be a couple of things. Let’s see if we can figure out which one it is.
Hey Jeff,
I’m a sex-positive kinda girl, never got too hung up on the right number of dates before sex (yeah, ok, first date if the mood was right), have lots of tales and very few regrets.
Freaking hurray, yahoo, and huzzah for “sex-positive.” People would have so much more fun if they’d just have more fun. Safety first, mind-blowing fun second. Puritanical prudery, like, 900th.
Several times, I got a response from a guy that just baffled me, tho, so I just gotta ask.
Hey, if it’s only several times that you were baffled, bravo. Personally, I spend the vast majority of my day baffled.
Now, I’ve been known to INSPIRE unexpected behavior, but I am not a dominant and I certainly never forced a guy to do what he didn’t want to do. It’s a go-with-the-flow thing for me, if I’m feeling it. Which means, while I will enthusiastically meet him halfway, I typically let him initiate.
SO - what does it mean when he says, afterwards, “I wasn’t expecting that” ?
Ah, the oooold, “What the hey!? How on EARTH did THAT get in THERE?!”
If I had only heard that once or twice, I wouldn’t think twice, but I’ve heard that, well, more than once or twice :)And it always put me off. Like, he didn’t know foreplay might lead to sex?
Nope.
Like, he’s disappointed I said yes?
HEAVY on the nope.
Like, I went from madonna to whore?
Nah, I don’t think anyone still currently alive has this archetype in their head. If anyone ever did.
Like, I was the only one there?
This one, I don’t follow. But it’s not that either.
Or what??? When I hear this, it feels like he’s trying to weasel out of some kind of responsibility for Something .
I think we might have a winner. More in a sec…
… and I thought we just had a good time. There’s no one around the corner with a shotgun, dude…
Oh, like you know that for SURE?
On one occasion, I heard it BEFORE the deed. Seemed somehow to make a positive difference.
Interesting. And your gut reaction was likely right. A guy says, “I wasn’t expecting we were going to do what we’re about to do,” and it likely means that he’s psyched to go through with it. A guy who says it afterwards likely didn’t say SQUAT beforehand, for fear of spooking the prey.
Now, I have a not-boyfriend who’s my kinda guy… we giggled through the morning after sex (what was your name again?), and three months later have survived our mutual commitment-phobic hysteria, with, you guessed it, break-up sex, no wait, make-up sex. Never once have I heard “I didn’t expect that” from him, so this is not a current crisis. Just a curiosity.
Dear Jess,
Well, as I indicated above, I think your gut reaction was likely on the money. Not just because of my own experience with this phrase, but because you said that it was “off-putting.” I trust your instinct on this one. I mean, is it possible that a guy would say this and it wouldn’t mean he’s trying to back out the door? Of course, sure. He could just be informing you of his lack of precognition, sure. And there are some situations where a guy just wants to let you know that he wasn’t trying to pressure you or anything.
But not mostly. Lots of times, this is one of those code phrases.
THE EAGLE HAS LANDED…AND…UH…IT MIGHT NOT CALL
The manslation of “I wasn’t expecting THAT” after sex is usually that his brain is scrambling for the right thing to say. His mind, in these cases, is working overtime because his expectation is that for most women, sex = commitment (of some kind or another.) Right or wrong, that’s what a lot of guys think.
(Now, in your case, it happens to be wrong. You do it when you feel like it, and there may or may not be ANYthing attached to it besides the fact that, you know, sex is FUN. Which, you know, bravo YOU.)
Anyway, when a guy says this, it’s basically a VERY non-committal way to say, “Gol-ly, ma’am! That sure was fun!” even if he isn’t Gomer Pyle. He wants to let you know:
a.) He enjoyed it,
b.) He wasn’t expecting it, but most importantly
c.) Because he wasn’t expecting it, he should be given status as an innocent bystander of YOUR intention to have sex, and should therefore not be expected to maintain anything.
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU NOW KNOW MORE THAN HE DOES
Ten bucks says that most times the guy who says this has zero clue that this is what’s happening. It’s yet another one of those moments where he’s talking, but even HE isn’t listening. Follow his lead — don’t listen. This phrase doesn’t mean what it says, so don’t even listen to it.
Good luck, Jess. Sounds like you’ve found yourself a guy who DOES expect it, and I’m guessing he gets it, so forget all about this phrase. But if you hear it again, have some fun and say in your best Beverly Hillbillies accent, “Gawrsh, me neither. Ah guess we’d best get down to the preacherman ‘n git hitched right quick a-fore muh pappy gets home!”
Oh ladies…ever heard this one? Did the guy stick around afterwards?
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вторник, 24 марта 2020 г.

When you are Having a Bitter Divorce


Sometimes, it’s interesting how technology can be used, even in peoples’ private affairs. If you want to end a relationship, you can simply text or send an e-mail. If you are feeling depressed over a split from your partner, you can start a blog to vent your frustrations and loneliness.


Cragislist Dating

And if you are going through a bitter divorce, you can resort to YouTube to reveal sordid details of your ex’s life. Well, if you have read the news, a British actress uploaded a YouTube recording which discusses the divorce she was having. Once married to the largest theatre owner on Broadway, she used YouTube to reveal embarassing details of her ex-husband’s private life such as how she found Viagra, porn and condoms belonging to him.
I guess when you are feeling revengeful or want a better deal out of the divorce proceedings, you simply don’t care if what you are going to broadcast will be watched by millions worldwide. Maybe this would be the trend of future divorce cases, who knows? Divorce, YouTube style!
Anyway, I think it is only common to have a tinge of bitterness when our marriage ends in divorce. But sometimes, how we come out of it also depends on our own emotional maturity. If we set out purposely to embarass our ex over the public media, it would also reflect badly on us, isn’t it?
Your message indicates that you think that if a man dislikes a woman’s shady sexual past, he must therefore be insecure. I disagree and note that there is a world of difference between being insecure and being disgusted by a particular woman’s extremely skanky past.
OP, I think what you’re worried about is not her previous job. It’s what it makes you wonder about her character. Why that job? Why did she stay in it so long? How does she view sex, relationships, fidelity? Ask those questions, the ones that are at the heart of your unease.
I also think you need to know that a disproportionate number of young women of your generation have been involved in some part of the sexual entertainment industry. Y’all grew up a time where there’s this pretense that it’s all good and all free with no consequences. That’s not true as you can see now. But it’s part of what your generation is dealing with. Be kind and generous and fair about it OK?
I worked as a waitress in a strip club once upon a time ago. I only lasted about two weeks, because I couldn’t take the constant barrage from men attempting to buy off my personal boundaries. Personally I find it hard to believe that the OP’s girlfriend lasted three years working in a strip club without ever being seduced by making easy money doing a little side action. That said, does it matter? I don’t think it should. (Though to be honest, if someone I were dating revealed that he was a male hustler back in the day, I don’t think that would sit too well with me.)
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вторник, 17 марта 2020 г.

Broaden Your Vision, The Whole World Belongs To you

An old Farmer lived on a farm in the mountains with his young grandson. Each morning Grandpa was up early sitting at the kitchen table reading his Bible. His grandson wanted to be just like him and tried to imitate him in every way he could.

One day the grandson asked, “Grandpa! I try to read the Bible just like you but I don’t understand it, and what I do understand I forget as soon as I close the book. What good does reading the Bible do?”
The Grandfather quietly turned from putting coal in the stove and replied, “Take this coal basket down to the river and bring me back a basket of water.”
The boy did as he was told, but all the water leaked out before he got back to the house. The grandfather laughed and said, “You’ll have to move a little faster next time,” and sent him back to the river with the basket to try again.
This time the boy ran faster, but again the basket was empty before he returned home. Out of breath, he told his grandfather that it was impossible to carry water in a basket, and he went to get a bucket instead. The old man said, “I don’t want a bucket of water; I want a basket of water. You’re just not trying hard enough,” and he went out the door to watch the boy try again.
Read
At this point, the boy knew it was impossible, but he wanted to show his grandfather that even if he ran as fast as he could, the water would leak out before he got back to the house.
The boy again dipped the basket into river and ran hard, but when he reached his grandfather the basket was again empty. Out of breath, he said, “See Grandpa, it’s useless!”.
“So you think it is useless?” The old man said, “Look at the basket.”
The boy looked at the basket and for the first time realized that the basket was different. It had been transformed from a dirty old coal basket and was now clean, inside and out.
“Son, that’s what happens when you read the Bible. You might not understand or remember everything, but when you read it, you will be changed, inside and out. That is the work of GOD in our lives.”
“Celebrate Life. Care for others and share whatever you have with those less fortunate than you. Broaden your vision, for the whole world belongs to you.”dummy adsense deluxe code

Dating Frustrations


There are so many single people frustrated when it comes to their dating situation.  I wish I had a magic bullet to come up with one solution that would work for everyone to improve their love life. A year ago I was looking for the magic bullet myself.  The bottom line is you have to be in it to win it.  You need to stay open to new ideas of ways to meet new people. If the internet dating isn’t working for you let your friends and co-workers know that your willing to be fixed up if they know of someone.  Or, how about joining a sports group such as a skiing or volleyball club.  Find what interests you and research what organizations are out there to join.  In the next coming weeks I will post more ideas for finding your soul mate.  The bottom line is there is work and energy on your part to make this happen.
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вторник, 10 марта 2020 г.

Should you be auditioning to be some guy’s wife?


I’ve seen this quite a few times, and it drives me nuts.
Girl dates boy. Girl moves in with boy. Girl works a demanding full-time job, yet takes over all the cooking and cleaning for boy. It’s not the living together I object to but the idea that some women automatically assume the scut work in a relationship. (And the fact that it very often leads to resentment and
gets her nowhere.)

Case in point: A very attractive friend of mine just won a promotion at work, she’s studying for her Master’s, and she’s been living with her boyfriend for a couple of years.
Him? He’s no great shakes. By all accounts, his mother is way too involved in his life. He works in a dead-end job. Oh, and he says he isn’t ready to get married.
My young friend knows what she wants (a promising and fulfilling career and a husband she can have children with), and this guy just doesn’t. So, I wonder (and her mother wonders and her grandmother wonders and her friends wonder) why she’s making this man’s dinner and cleaning his toilets?
We can see it — but she can’t — that there’s an excellent possibility that a more intelligent fellow is out there with a promising career of his own, who’s actually happy to empty a dishwasher, looking forward to having children, and hoping to meet someone just like her.
But she’s wasting time with Mama’s Boy. Granted, she does love him, but that certainly doesn’t guarantee that he’ll ever be ready to marry her.
My dearest hope is that she’ll reclaim her life and move into another place with a new roommate. She doesn’t have to break up with Mama’s Boy, but she would be so much better off exploring her options.
And letting him clean his own toilets.
Okay. There’s a lot going on here. Let’s first address his relationship with his married friend.
So, long time readers know that my closest friend is a guy and that he’s married. He lives in Boston, I live here, we never see each other but we talk regularly. It’s my opinion that his friendship with me compensates for things lacking in his marriage. This kind of dependency has made me increasingly uncomfortable. As such, I’ve taken measures to draw some boundaries. Just because I engage a married friend who has been in my life for almost 20 years doesn’t mean I don’t value marriage. Your boyfriend didn’t sleep with this woman. So he says. I would take that to mean that he does respect marriage. You’re never going to know if he did or didn’t. Either you believe him or you don’t.
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вторник, 25 февраля 2020 г.

Rhode Island Backpage Dating : Making Compromises


It is always an interesting balance to decide what attributes you will compromise when it comes to who you date on Backpage site and let into your life. I recently experienced changing my mind about the things that were important to me.

 As Tamera wrote in her blogpost, Must Haves in a Mate, about picking the top five must-haves, “It forces you to examine what makes you happy versus what you think you need. You’ll be surprised to find out that what you listed first in your top 10 doesn’t make it into your top five.”

Here is my top 10 Must-Haves:

Sweet and Kind
Ambitious (about his career and personal hobbies)
Intense Chemistry
Love of Animals
Affectionate, naturally provides personal touch
Amazing Sex
Passionate about Music (listens to it in his home everyday)
Takes Care of Himself
Love of Outdoors/Beach
Age appropriate
But narrowing it down to five is really, really tough. This is my initial stab at it, but ask me in a week and I may change my mind!

 Sweet and Kind
Affectionate, naturally provides personal touch
Love of Outdoors/Beach
Ambitious (about his career and personal hobbies)
Takes Care of Himself
In my blogpost back in November, “Are You Being Picky or Particular?“, I talked about how your Must-Haves may change depending upon whether you meet the person online or physically in person.



 “I also wonder if meeting someone in person you tend to be less picky than online dating? Online dating is like shopping the aisles at a grocery store. A pretty package may draw your eye in, but when you begin looking deeper at the ingredients it may not be the best choice. I think it is incredibly easy to be picky when it comes to online dating. He may be under your height requirements. He may live too far away, or have kids …. Backpage online dating sites are great at providing lists of stats on someone. Which provide you enough reasons of why not to reach out to that person. But lets say you met that exact same person in a coffee shop for example. He had a personality that just drew you in. And you were enjoying the conversation that you just didn’t want it to end. And at that moment it didn’t matter that he was short, or that he lived an hour away. It was just chemistry.”

 How funny to go back and read these words that I wrote. I recently met a guy online, that by first glance of his Backpage photos and specs I was not really interested. But what caught my attention to give him another look was the message he sent me. It was something like, “I really liked your profile, you seem amazing, and if I didn’t write you would never know..” I’m sure it was much sweeter than that, but basically he was just real and honest. So we began chatting, which lead to having a few dates.

 This man was real and genuine. He does not play games, by waiting the typical 3 days to call, or not being available. He continued to be true to his feelings, and was never shy about telling me exactly what was on his mind. He would call, text or Heytell (fabulous iphone app, you must get!) to communicate he was thinking of me. At first I admit, all of the sweetness was quite overwhelming, that it scared me. Not because I didn’t like or want that kind of attention, but it was just very new behavior from a man. But very refreshing!

 I will admit I had some issues, that by just looking at his Backpage online profile, I typically would of never given him a minute of my time. He is 1) below average in height and 2) lives in the valley. Ok, yes, neither one of these are on my list above but are definitely in my top 20! In general, like most women, I like a man who is taller than me so I don’t feel like an amazon but more like a lady. And if anyone knows the ridiculous traffic in the Los Angeles area, especially on the 405, will understand what I mean about not wanting to date anyone that far away. But it is more than that. My biggest issue is not that he just lives in the valley because it is cheaper rent or close to his job, it is his lifestyle. It truly defines who he is.

 Just like living near the ocean defines who I am. He has a huge truck, a jeep, 30 foot trailer, camper, outdoor pool, several motorcycles…shall I go on?! Yes, this is a man that loves his toys and needs room for all of them. You will not find that kind of room at the beach, that’s for sure. Unless you are incredibly wealthy, there are tiny bungalows backed up right next to each other, and if you are lucky you have a small grass patch in the back. The beach is your yard.

 So after endless conversations and two dates, I felt the need to get out quickly. Not because I didn’t feel awesome chemistry with this man, but because I was forecasting what will happen with the relationship down the road. Someone will have to make a compromise. And I didn’t want it to be me.

 So after breaking it off, I felt horrible for days and could not get this guy out of my head. I seriously missed him. It had only been 3 weeks, but felt like I had been dating him for months. I even told myself to wait a few weeks and if I still could not get him out of my head, then contact him. I lasted seven days. Then sent a text, saying I was sorry, and I couldn’t get him out of my head. And that maybe I jumped the gun and should listen to the universe. It was a painful 20 minutes waiting for him to respond.
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среда, 19 февраля 2020 г.

Just because you've forgotten Craiglist doesn’t mean they’ve forgotten you!


I have to hold my hands up, there is no progress with casual fling. Nothing has changed and I must have been fooling myself when I thought he was still ‘thinking about’ what had been said. I just don’t think he knows what he wants and I certainly want more than that!
I’m half chatting to a few guys on the dating site again but not with much gusto. There is soon more drama when I start Craiglist chatting to a local guy on Craiglist instant messenger after exchanging a few e-mails. He asks for my number and suggests meeting up at one our local drinking holes to see if we recognise each other as he seems to socialise in all the same places I do. Pretty late that night he text me about arrangements but I was too tired to think straight and reply and ended up falling asleep soon after. I could not believe what I woke to on my phone in the morning!!! He had text me a photo of a girl holding her top up…no bra. I’m flummoxed. The next text says; ‘My ex, what do you think?. I text him back saying not to bother contacting me, I thought it was pretty disrespectful to me and her sending that message considering I doubt her permission was sought and we hadn’t even met yet. I mean, well done mate! No idea why you’re single…Idiot!

I’m recounting this story to my mate Alex at work the next day, he’s been on the dating site too but we hadn’t spoken much about it and he coyly admitted he’d met someone last week. He said her Craiglist profile picture was great, she looked really pretty and sounded really sweet. She talked about yoga and fitness on her Craiglist profile, said she liked to look after herself and she was looking forward to meeting someone ‘normal’. When they actually met Alex realised she’d pulled a classic trick; only adding photo’s from the waist up. He walked into some pub to meet her and she was already there sat down. After an hour and two drinks she got up to go to the Craiglist ladies revealing the most eeeenormous hips and ass that were totally out of proportion with the rest of her body. Now that’s just not playing fair and if I met a guy who had edited out his beer belly then I’d be pretty peeved. Now it gets worse, despite Alex being shocked and not entirely pleased with the size of said lady’s derriere he says he’ll meet her again to see how things go. She texts the day before asking him to bring his cheque book as she’s lost hers and really needs to pay for something. Right. Normal? Maybe in your world luv!

It’s a minefield out there and it appears my little friend with the bad judgement on the appropriateness of texts has not got the Craiglist message. He texts me again, this time with a picture of his erect penis and a ‘Sorry, will this make it better?’ message below. NO IT WILL NOT! I tell him firmly where to stick it and tell him not to contact me ever again or I’ll report him to the police. I do get a nice reminder that there are sweet people in this world when David texts saying sorry he’s been so busy but he’s been following my favourite TV programme and hopes I’m enjoying it too. But I get a shock on Valentines day….

As a single person it’s really a day to be ignored and I had done just that, I hadn’t even thought about it when I woke up. I got to work and thought nothing of it when the DHL man rang the buzzer, he delivers stuff all the time. The box was for me however, and it was a BIG box. In it were a number of carefully wrapped items and a very pretty card which left no traditional mystery as it was signed ‘Be my valentine, All my love, David, x’. Okaaay. In the box were a number of very carefully chosen items personal to myself; my favourite champagne, my favourite chocolates, the cereal I have always eaten before I go to bed, my favourite board game that I don’t have my own copy of, a punnet of my favourite fruit and a single red rose. I’m quite speechless and halfway between exceptionally impressed and freaked out as his listening skills. In fact, I’m incredulous. I havn’t even told him where I work but I must have mentioned my company name in conversation. The guy is either a genius or had a Dictaphone under the table at all our Craiglist dates. I text him with profuse thanks and feel terribly guilty I didn’t even send a card.

I spend the rest of the day still reeling about this mornings package, half chuckling and half freaked out! The buzzer soon wakes me up at four o’clock though, it’s an enormous bunch of flowers. Very rare ones, that only grow in certain places in the far east that are hugely expensive to get over here. Only someone who had listened un-naturally carefully would have found the exact flowers or remembered that I had seen them growing in their natural habitat while travelling. The card just says ‘Have dinner with me next week, David x’.

So what do I make of this one??
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вторник, 18 февраля 2020 г.

He's Just Not That Into You: Doublelist Review


I got this book a few weeks ago and started reading it. I have to say that I was one of those women who made the same assumptions when it came to guys not calling back. I'd meet someone and everything seemed to be going good, I gave him my number and he did call a couple times. So I thought I had it made. In our last conversation he said he'd call the next day. But the next day came and went and no phone call.

Like most women, I just assumed that maybe he was busy and didn't have the chance to call yet, so I waited. And after a few days I began to wonder if maybe he lost my number. I wondered if I should call him just in case. So finally I did, I got his voice mail and left a casual message. I thought now for sure he'll call back. A few days went by and no call. But still for some reason It never occurred to me that maybe he just wasn't all that interested. And I spent a couple of days doing what every woman does when this happens: wondering what I did wrong! Did I say something to scare him off, was I not attractive enough, in my mind there just had to be some reason. But really, I did nothing wrong. I just couldn't see that he wasn't that into me.

 I got the book "He's Just Not That Into You" by Liz Tuccillo and Greg Behrendt. I had seen it advertised and this was before the movie came out. So I got into the book right away, I was curious about how guys think when it comes to dating and relationships. I could myself in those examples in the book, I was making the same assumptions and the same excuses they were.

 The idea for this book came about by accident. Greg Behrendt was at a conference where the author of this book was also attending. Some of the others were sitting around talking and one women asked a question and it was Greg's answer right off that set the whole thing in motion.
She was telling a friend that she met this guy and everything was great and then suddenly he stopped calling. She asked her friend if she had done anything to scare him away. So she was quite shocked when Greg answered the question by saying "No, it sounds like he just wasn't that into you! Wow, could it really be that simple? Just a lack of interest?

 We make all kinds of excuses as to why a guy hasn't called back because we don't want to think that the nice, good-looking guy we just met could be that rude. But it's not rudeness on his part. He just doesn't want to hurt your feeling or risk making you cry by saying that he really doesn't think it will work out. Men will do anything to not hurt your feelings, at least most decent men will there area few exceptions. So he thinks it's kinder to not lead you on by calling or returning your messages.

 But we as women do this too. You have to change the way you see this. Imagine it from a different perspective. Let's say you meet this really nice guy, he's good-looking but not exactly the type your looking for. You talk and he asks for your number. You agree to a date and go out. But you realize after the date that although he's a great guy, theres just something lacking for you. Not anything he did wrong, but your just not really interested in going on another date with him. Here is the saying reversed "You're just not that into him" simple as that. So what do you do? Do you call him and say "hey your a great guy but I'm just not interested in dating you anymore? No way, that would be cruel. I'll just not call him, he'll eventually get the picture and I wont have to hurt his feelings. Sound familiar? It easy to understand this once you see it from a different angle.

 If you'd like more insight on men, from a guy's view I recommend reading the book. I really enjoyed it and he is upfront and honest about how guys think. Straight from the horse's mouth. I have experienced the same thing over and over so I know from personal experience. Believe me you are not the only one who has this problem. Read the examples and letters from other women, I know you will see yourself in everyone of them like I did. Not being someones type isn't a crime. We just need to remove the personal feelings from it and realize that if were not his type then we are someone elses and we just haven't met them yet. Move on to the next adventure without hurt feelings and guilt.
What really gets me are the people who talk of going on spur of the moment trips abroad and want someone with the same kind of sense of adventure.

Um, I…have a job? And pets? And, like, other stuff?


I’ll admit it: I don’t travel. I’ve just never been one to travel much because I’ve always worked.

Doesn’t mean I don’t want to, I just…never get to it, I guess. I think to many people who use these sites and apps I’m boring and uncultured. Yet, I’m always reading about other countries and cultures and trying to learn more about other people’s traditions. I have a curiosity about stuff like that. That’s not something you put in a profile, though.
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