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A reader asks …
I am getting kind of confused with how to deal with this “sh*t testing.” It seems like it would be hard to find that balance between being an understanding and “not taking the sh*t from the girl.”
At the understanding side, someone could take that too far and end up being a door mat. But, on “not taking the sh*t from the girl” side, someone could take that too far and come across as insensitive of what the girl is going through or why she is reacting in that way. Thanks again,
Matt
Matt, I would say that you really need to assess the situation. I can’t give you a manual on all the situations a woman will engage in that will indicate that she is sh*t testing you. The action could be the same – yet the intention she has for it could be different. This is where you are really going to have to use your judgment.
It’s not a matter of, “Why is she really sh*t testing me” and more of a matter of, “How do I choose to respond to this?” If you always choose to respond with presence – you will win 100% of the time.
You need to pay attention to her reactions. If she says something and you make a joke about it to lighten the mood and she seems more resistant to you after that – then clearly it’s because she is experiencing an insecurity and needs to not only feel your presence but your compassion.
Now keep in mind that a woman is more likely to sh*t test to gauge your strength as a man during the initial stages of meeting her. Say you meet her at a coffee or club she will use sh*t testing as a barrier to fend of suitors which are not suitable to her at all. Therefore, you will more than likely encounter a small bitch shield. Maybe she will: display cold body language, won’t look you in the eye, or make a sarcastic remark. And, there are two places she could be. She really might not be interested in talking with you right then and there (sometimes women just are not in the mood to be picked up or to flirt with a guy no matter how appealing he may be) OR she may just be testing to find out whether you are worth her time. So she will throw a few little tests your way to see how you respond to them. When she sees that you don’t crumble, that you can hold your own, remain calm, cool , collected, and perhaps even make her laugh – she will be more than willing to stop what she is doing and divert her attention to you.
In the initial stages of attraction a woman will be predominately be testing to answer the question “Are you a man that is worth opening up to?”
After you have been dating a woman for a while tends to evolve and looks a little different from when you are initially trying to attract her.
Once you have developed a level of attraction and trust with a woman she will want to test and will be thinking, “Remind me that you are a man that is worth continually opening up to”.
So, you will find that she will express more insecurity based words or actions. Therefore, she may appear moody for no particular reason, she may nit pick on you, she may try to control you, and she may even withdraw to you. All of this is a subconscious process which is designed to gauge how you will react.
Now this is the part that most men miss. They think that when a woman withdraws, acts moody – that they need to respond with niceties or worse they need to walk around her on eggshells. The worse thing you can do to kill your attraction with a woman is to pretend something is ok when it is not. So here is what you need to do.
1) Acknowledge the sh*t test – communicate to her in whatever way you deem appropriate that you know exactly what she is doing.
Her: “You hair looks terrible today”
You: “I’m glad you noticed … I put a lot of effort into it” *sly smile* (in this process her comment should be like water off a duck back – it doesn’t phase you one bit”
2) Validate – An extension to acknowledging this process is about respecting her emotions – showing her that they are in fact important to you.
You: “So we both know this is not about my hair – why the pouty face?
3) Obliterate - Cut through her insecurities by revealing your strength to her – allow your strength and masculinity to be a rock wall she can lean on.
You: *In reference to the pouty face comment* You don’t want to pull that too long, premature wrinkles on the forehead won’t be in fashion for a very long time”
Trouble Shooting
Listen intently, allow her to express – be prepared to change her state using humor. Humor will also allow a woman to feel safe enough to open up to you. But first you must acknowledge and validate her current emotions. You don’t need to get “caught up and lost in her emotions” – you just need to recognize that they are there and allow her to express and say whatever it is that she needs to express and say.
Now a woman will only want to change her state and allow herself to be happy again if she has had sufficient time to “vent” (this means talk, express, get upset over” the very thing that is causing this insecurity. Once she had expressed this – she will have the mental and emotional capacity to move on, be happy and much more open and receptive to you. And, not a moment before.
Now, I’m writing this break down of sh*t testing for you guys, especially since I know that you are a little more advanced that the Average Joe out there. If I were to do a video of this on you-tube I would get a whole bunch of comments like, “Why do I need to put up with her sh*t”, “I need a woman who is less maintenance than this” and so on. And, possibly this thought may or may not have crossed your mind, too.
Note: These are advanced techniques and are based on the assumption that you guys are interested in not only understanding a woman’s need but anticipating them.
This is all based on the assumption that YOU Choose to be the smarter, more proactive part of the relationship and that you will take the leadership position to lead her into a relationship that will fulfill you both.
With that said I know that sh*t testing can be really confusing still to many of you and I would love to know what your thoughts are so I can help clarify any more concerns.
I’ve had my say, now it’s your turn!
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If you have ever been in a long distance relationship, you know how frustrating it is to be hung up on. The worst part about it is that you feel helpless. Not only do you know that the person you love is beyond angry with you, but there is not a single thing you can do to make the situation better. Every time you call, he puts your call through to voice mail. Every time you sign in online, he signs off. Every time you write an email, he doesn’t respond. Long distance hang ups are rather torturous for most people in this situation.
Why does it happen? There are many reasons for this but basically it is because one person is upset and just cannot stand the relationship at the current moment. This is a common feeling, even more so in a long distance relationship. The anger can stem from silly comments interpreted poorly, from disheartening actions from your partner’s side, you had a really bad day or you are simply frustrated with the distance. These situations would make anyone go mad and you can expect to hear a few dead lines of communication before your partner is ready to start anew.
Obviously the best piece of advice is to just avoid the whole hang up situation. Unfortunately, that is a lot easier said than done. If you want to hang up, just try to think about how awful it would be if your partner hung up on you in a fit of anger and how much you would dislike it. Use an excuse, say someone is calling in, that you have to walk the dog, you have plans with your mother, anything that sounds feasible but that can end on a good note. Once you are off the phone, you can take the time you need to get away from the situation without hurting your partner’s feelings.
Once you are ready to communicate, you can talk to that person again and explain the situation clearly and come to an answer. When you are at a distance it is crucial to speak to your partner while you are calm and relaxed so that you can avoid any major emotional blow outs. Long distance relationships certainly take more time to understand and much more effort than an “ordinary” relationship.
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Even as I was living it, I knew that I would look back at my thirties and know that this would be the most interesting, fun, difficult, and freeing time of my life. So often a woman in her twenties, with notable exceptions, is wrapped in family and societal expectations. You barely know yourself let alone the world yet you have to make decisions that can impact the rest of your life and all you feel like you can handle is matching your lipstick to your nail polish. There are so many pressures of doing “the right thing” and it feels like you have to do everything RIGHT NOW. There is such a sense of urgency to get married, start a family, start a career before you know what the fuck is going on. For me, I was in the wrong career, the wrong marriage, and I wondered why I was so unhappy. In your thirties, you know yourself a little bit better, you know a little bit more of the world, you start to care less about what others think of you. With this self and world knowledge, you can start making better decisions. Its not too late.
Keeping Up with the Jones
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Dear Bitter Single Guy: I got dumped by my girlfriend of a year and a half, we are both in college and go to school in different states, but the distance was never a problem. I tried to visit her as much as I could and every time I saw her it was nice and we had a lot of fun. Two weeks after I got back things got rocky. And we tried to work them out, but she came to a conclusion that she wants to break up, she said she wanted to “experience new things”. I’m still not sure what she means. She said she wanted to be “single for a while”. I have been trying to move on for some time now it has been about 2 months and I still can’t stop thinking about her. I have the same dream with her in it every night. I miss everything about her, her smell her touch, her voice, her smile. I think what we had was something special, and at one point we both thought that, she had said it many times. She said that “what we have is rare and only comes along once” so I don’t understand why she broke up with me.
I would like to think I was a good boy friend. I sent her a message every morning saying “have a great day! I love you” and every night “Have sweet dreams”. I wrote poems, sent her little gifts just because. When we were going out her friends boyfriends would get mad at me because of the nice things I did. I tried everything I could to make her happy. I never cheated on her, never hit her, never forgot a birthday or anniversary. I like cuddling more than anything sexual. I tried to make her laugh when ever I could. I loved her with all my heart.
Now she seems like she is happy without me, and I don’t believe that she could have gotten over what we had so quickly. I am willing to do whatever it takes to get her back because I believe we are meant to be together. So I am asking if there is anything I can do to get her back? Or to get a second chance?
If you could help me that would help me so unbelievably much. It would get back a piece of I’m missing. ~Broken Hearted~
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Dear BH: The Bitter Single Guy wishes he was there to give you the big hug that you obviously need and to pat you on the back in a comforting way (pat-pat-pat).
Yours is the classic story of being dumped; there’s no other way to describe it. Although it’s certainly of little comfort, the BSG assures you that everyone else who’s out there in Dating Land has felt what you feel today (including the BSG). Here are some key points:
· Your main question is how to get her back. Buck up, BH…you can’t have her back. Yes, it’s possible that she could spend some time out there in the big world then decide that you were the best boyfriend ever and come sniveling back into your arms, but if it’s already been two months the BSG thinks it’s unlikely. You’ve been dumped…accept it.
· You don’t know how she could have moved on so quickly? It’s because she actually started moving on several months ago. It’s not easy being the Dumpee, but it’s also pretty brutal being the Dumper. The BSG is pretty sure that your Departed Damsel thought a lot about breaking up with you before she actually did it. So the reason that Departed Damsel seems so well adjusted is that the last part of her adjustment was the breakup, even though it was only the first part for you.
· You’re dreaming of her every night? BH you’re breaking the BSG’s heart here! Know that grieving for something lost is a necessary and healthy process that you simply have to go through. You’ll be sad, you’ll have bad dreams (when you can sleep), you’ll be lethargic and generally not very much fun to be around. But believe the BSG when he tells you that it will get better. That said, if you start losing weight because you’re not eating, or if you can’t seem to get yourself out of the house for more than a few days at a time, the BSG strongly recommends seeking professional help to get you through this. But again…you will get through this.
· Departed Damsel told you she wants to be single for awhile? Ouch, BH. The BSG knows (as his readers do) what it’s like to be told that she’d rather be with no one than be with you. Here comes the tough message BH, so brace yourself. The BSG doesn’t think Departed Damsel actually wants to be single. He thinks she just doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. For that reason, don’t be shocked if Departed Damsel suddenly starts seeing someone else in the next short while.
You see BH, the problem is that while you were deliriously happy in your relationship, Departed Damsel wasn’t. There was something missing for her and she likely spent part of the time you were together trying to get that need filled (whatever it was). None of this is easy to hear BH, but it’s what getting dumped is all about.
OK now it’s time for a little tough love BH. The BSG doesn’t know the details, so he can only respond to what’s in your letter and there’s one little section that concerns him. You sent daily notes of love and encouragement, never forgot an important date, wrote poems, and liked cuddling more than sex? While that seems right out off the Good Boyfriend Manual, the BSG and you both know that sometimes we can have too much of a good thing. BH the BSG wants you to think about whether you were a little smothering in your care and attention? Honestly, the BSG didn’t have any concerns until the ‘cuddling more than sex’ part, because you know…sex is pretty important to lots of people. Like he said, the BSG doesn’t know the details, so just wants you to think objectively about that.
BH, take care of yourself and let your friends be there for you and he promises that one day you’ll wake up and not feel like you’ve been stomped on. ~BSG~
