Hey jealousy

One of my favorite songs, the Gin Blossoms' "Hey Jealousy," came on the radio the other day as I was driving around doing mommy errands.

As I sang along, it got me thinking of a conversation Sara and I had the other day.

She asked my why I still flirt even though I'm dating Sean. She wondered if I did it to "make him jealous."

That's really juvenile behavior. I flirt, he flirts because even though we're dating, we're not dead! We still look at others, we engage others — and we trust. I'm not interested in a relationship that puts artificial limits on the other. I know my own boundaries, and I trust he knows his. We'd have a much bigger problem if we didn't.

But it made me think of the jealousy I've experienced and that I've seen among my friends. I thought of what the big porn star and her new hubby told me over dinner when I asked them how they can make their marriage work — no jealousy, they said.

But, because I think way too much, I wondered: Can jealousy ever be a good thing in love?

Some people who know of such things say, yes.

I stumbled upon a post by Paul Dobransky, author of "The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love."

"There is a very subtle distinction about jealousy that will help you keep a relationship that's healthy and leave one that's not," he says.

Now in dating and relationships, men and women can differ in what adds what you may call passion to their jealousy.

Because of gender instinct differences, men are passionately jealous of that which can raise up their status among men: things like status symbols, leadership positions, money, and the admiration of women. Women are passionately jealous of that which can give them a feeling of belonging, being "normal" or harmonious.

Both in men and women, this kind of "jealousy" is a good kind — it indicates masculinity or femininity, and is an INSTINCT, not something that can be eradicated or pretend it isn't there.

So when we deny what we feel or what our partner feels, it creates unnecessary tension, right?

Adam Phillips, author of "Monogamy," tells Salon a similar thing, that without jealousy in a relationship, our partner can become invisible:

Oh yes. I think there's no way around sexual jealousy, nor should we be trying to find one. I think that jealousy is inextricable from passion. What may be possible, though, is to have a different internal relationship to jealousy. Or it may be possible to bear jealousy in a less vengeful way. That, I suppose, would be one of my ideals here. Not that we would cease to be jealous, but that we would be able to bear jealousy. And that would mean really being able to acknowledge that other people are independent of our desires for them. Just like we ourselves can love and desire more than one person, so can the people we love. Now, this may be too hard an ideal. But it seems to me preferable to the alternative.

I love that: "other people are independent of our desires for them. Just like we ourselves can love and desire more than one person, so can the people we love."

Think how powerful it is to understand that about ourselves and our partner. And yet, I can see how that might make many of us feel uncomfortable.

And both of them seem to include jealousy as part of passion — and isn't it often passion that seems to slowly bleed from long-term relationships? Hmm.

How do you handle jealousy?

Do you think it plays a healthy role in a relationship?

Do you accept that your partner may feel love for more than just you?

Would your partner accept that of you?