I was going to title this “Why Fat People Cannot Buy in Bulk”
but I thought that was demeaning to myself and others and you do not have to be
fat to have emotional eating issues.
I briefly attended Overeater’s Anonymous (OA). I really should go
again. OA is like all other 12 step programs only you replace the word “alcohol” or “drugs” with “compulsive overeating.” Never mock someone who is
in a 12 step and takes it seriously. It is DAMN hard. I never got past the fourth step that was about making a “fearless moral inventory of our lives.” One of the things I had to “inventory” was my triggers.
again. OA is like all other 12 step programs only you replace the word “alcohol” or “drugs” with “compulsive overeating.” Never mock someone who is
in a 12 step and takes it seriously. It is DAMN hard. I never got past the fourth step that was about making a “fearless moral inventory of our lives.” One of the things I had to “inventory” was my triggers.
Please note that even as I type this I have a sense of dread. People brag about when they got “fucked up” or their sexual exploits even if they regret them later. No one really wants to talk about “the secret shame everyone sees” of food
addiction. Of course bulimics hide it better. I was bulimic in my youth. I still feel like a bulimic, only missing a step. I am avoiding the topic, aren’t I?
addiction. Of course bulimics hide it better. I was bulimic in my youth. I still feel like a bulimic, only missing a step. I am avoiding the topic, aren’t I?
Activities, Emotions,
Foods, and Other Situations that Trigger My Emotional Eating.
Foods, and Other Situations that Trigger My Emotional Eating.
Foods: (I will start with the easiest) There are
foods that I cannot stop eating or I buy on impulse when I feel like being mean
(or really “good”) to myself.
foods that I cannot stop eating or I buy on impulse when I feel like being mean
(or really “good”) to myself.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups: I freaking love this candy and I
have ever since I was a chubby little kid. When I was very little, my brother and I were not given any candy. We had candy at Halloween, Easter, and Christmas. When I was old enough to be sent to the store I would get a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup or Reese’s Pieces and a Mountain Dew. As a ten-year-old I was consuming
roughly 400-500 calories as a “snack.” Now I will only eat the peanut buttery goodness at the assigned holidays of my youth or when I am on a road trip.
The food gives me comfort, reminds me of my first taste of freedom.
have ever since I was a chubby little kid. When I was very little, my brother and I were not given any candy. We had candy at Halloween, Easter, and Christmas. When I was old enough to be sent to the store I would get a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup or Reese’s Pieces and a Mountain Dew. As a ten-year-old I was consuming
roughly 400-500 calories as a “snack.” Now I will only eat the peanut buttery goodness at the assigned holidays of my youth or when I am on a road trip.
The food gives me comfort, reminds me of my first taste of freedom.
Pizza: I had a whole post about pizza. The first reason I
avoid pizza is because I worry about diabetes. I have told you all I was pre-diabetic and I still have to watch out. The second is because I can never seem to get full on pizza. I think I go into some kind of metabolic amnesia when it comes to carbs. Carbohydrates never fill me off and they seem to set off this vicious blood sugar cycle of ups and downs. If there is pizza in the house, it is gone. Just for the sake of irony, it was by pure coincidence that my ex-husband worked a second job as a pizza delivery guy when we first started dating.
avoid pizza is because I worry about diabetes. I have told you all I was pre-diabetic and I still have to watch out. The second is because I can never seem to get full on pizza. I think I go into some kind of metabolic amnesia when it comes to carbs. Carbohydrates never fill me off and they seem to set off this vicious blood sugar cycle of ups and downs. If there is pizza in the house, it is gone. Just for the sake of irony, it was by pure coincidence that my ex-husband worked a second job as a pizza delivery guy when we first started dating.
Pasta: I have the same problem with pasta as I do with pizza. I will eat until I am just about ready to burst. This is also a left over issue from my childhood. Pretty much I should stay away from traditional Italian dishes altogether.
Count Chocula and other sugary cereals: This is definitely one of my earliest binge foods. Cereal is almost always in the house when kids are around. It was a food I could fix for myself and eat and eat and eat and no one could tell.
If I had one bowl, I wanted four. Let’s do the math. One little binge of 4 bowls of cereal is approximately 480 calories. And that is if you go by the serving size on
the side of the box which if you are binging, you are not exactly measuring. I started the cereal thing when I was a latch key kid in the fourth grade.
To this day I hardly ever eat any kind of cereal because of the bad
memories that each bowl brings to mind.
If I had one bowl, I wanted four. Let’s do the math. One little binge of 4 bowls of cereal is approximately 480 calories. And that is if you go by the serving size on
the side of the box which if you are binging, you are not exactly measuring. I started the cereal thing when I was a latch key kid in the fourth grade.
To this day I hardly ever eat any kind of cereal because of the bad
memories that each bowl brings to mind.
Grocery Shopping: I love grocery shopping, but I do not think that is necessarily a good thing. When I feel frightened or insecure whether that fear is conscious or sub-conscious, I like to go to the grocery store. I do not go to the store to by junk food either. That is a late night spur of the moment walk (drive) of shame.
I like to wonder the aisles meal planning or thinking of all the good
food I am going to feed my loved ones, or pick up a box of hors douves and
fantasize about the next “impromptu” get together I would have at my
house. I also fantasize about whatever latest diet I am on and buy accordingly.
Then I fantasize about the new body and new life I would have after the
successful completion of said diet.
I like to wonder the aisles meal planning or thinking of all the good
food I am going to feed my loved ones, or pick up a box of hors douves and
fantasize about the next “impromptu” get together I would have at my
house. I also fantasize about whatever latest diet I am on and buy accordingly.
Then I fantasize about the new body and new life I would have after the
successful completion of said diet.
Bored/Lonely: This is when the “grazing” behavior starts. This
is the mindless eating and snacking that can go on all day. I am bored and/or lonely, but usually bored because I am lonely. This was my typical day
when I had a very boring office job: I just have a granola after breakfast,
then maybe a 100 calorie pack cookies or a piece of fruit about 10 o’clock,
then about 3 o’clock I get the munchies bad and I will either have a protein
bar or pretzels. If I did not have those at my desk, then all hell would break
loose and I would hit the vending machine for a 440 calorie cinnamon bear claw
warmed in the microwave for 35 seconds for maximum warmth right before it went nuclear and the icing was like lava. Then I would have whatever snack or bit of lunch in the car on the ride home. I would cook a healthy “light dinner” either
before or after a workout, and then I would have a late night desert of a low
calorie ice cream bar, yogurt, or nuts. Yeah… that is a lot of food.
Anyone else in this boat? Grazing is the toughest habit to break
because it is the kind of behavior you barely notice. You are never really full but you never allow yourself to get really hungry either.
is the mindless eating and snacking that can go on all day. I am bored and/or lonely, but usually bored because I am lonely. This was my typical day
when I had a very boring office job: I just have a granola after breakfast,
then maybe a 100 calorie pack cookies or a piece of fruit about 10 o’clock,
then about 3 o’clock I get the munchies bad and I will either have a protein
bar or pretzels. If I did not have those at my desk, then all hell would break
loose and I would hit the vending machine for a 440 calorie cinnamon bear claw
warmed in the microwave for 35 seconds for maximum warmth right before it went nuclear and the icing was like lava. Then I would have whatever snack or bit of lunch in the car on the ride home. I would cook a healthy “light dinner” either
before or after a workout, and then I would have a late night desert of a low
calorie ice cream bar, yogurt, or nuts. Yeah… that is a lot of food.
Anyone else in this boat? Grazing is the toughest habit to break
because it is the kind of behavior you barely notice. You are never really full but you never allow yourself to get really hungry either.
Angry/Depressed: This is the binging behavior one envisions when they watch Oprah or see “documentaries” which I think are sometimes exploitive of the very obese. This is where I just tear into whatever is available in the pantry/refrigerator. I am so ashamed about what I have put in my mouth over the years. I have eaten dry ramen noodles straight from the packaging sprinkling the spice packet on top. Who does this? I have eaten raw cake batter. I have mixed it up, eaten it with a spoon, ate until I wanted to vomit and then never baked what was left over and poured the evidence down the sink. The next time I would go to the store, I would replace the cake mix so no one was the wiser…except the waist of my pants.
In these “textbook binges” I would just eat until the pain went away. I would eat until whatever hole I had in my heart be it disappointment, loneliness, self defeat,
rejection, failure, whatever the cause, I would fill it with food. And you know what? It worked. Not all those who binge or drink heavily or take drugs because they WANT to destroy themselves, at least not actively.
People binge, drink heavily, and take drugs because they want to feel something differently than what they are feeling at that moment. That
moment is so dark, so awful, that any little pleasure, no matter the long term
(or in the case of drugs and alcohol short term) costs you just want to feel
better. Food made me feel better. Even bowl after bowl of cereal would scrape the roof of my mouth, my teeth felt like it was coated with a film of sugar and my jaw hurt from chewing was better than whatever emotion I was feeling at that moment.
All that food eventually would fill my stomach up until I could not eat
anymore or my blood sugar would spike and I would feel calm.
rejection, failure, whatever the cause, I would fill it with food. And you know what? It worked. Not all those who binge or drink heavily or take drugs because they WANT to destroy themselves, at least not actively.
People binge, drink heavily, and take drugs because they want to feel something differently than what they are feeling at that moment. That
moment is so dark, so awful, that any little pleasure, no matter the long term
(or in the case of drugs and alcohol short term) costs you just want to feel
better. Food made me feel better. Even bowl after bowl of cereal would scrape the roof of my mouth, my teeth felt like it was coated with a film of sugar and my jaw hurt from chewing was better than whatever emotion I was feeling at that moment.
All that food eventually would fill my stomach up until I could not eat
anymore or my blood sugar would spike and I would feel calm.
I would eat until the emotional turmoil would pass. It was as if I was caught in a storm of emotions and binging was the brief sunshine whisking clouds away. But really, that momentarily calm was just the eye of the storm because the guilt and shame would set in. When I was still bulimic, this is when I
would make myself vomit, take a bunch of laxatives (and I mean a lot, like 3-5
at a time 2-3 times a day) or I would exercise like a fiend or some sort of
combination. I did not enjoy vomiting and only did it in extreme cases of shame or bloat. I have had only the occasional bout of purging in the last few years as an adult. Mainly working a “day job” where bathroom accessibility was an issue and
living with a spouse that would catch on to the purging put an end to the
purging.
would make myself vomit, take a bunch of laxatives (and I mean a lot, like 3-5
at a time 2-3 times a day) or I would exercise like a fiend or some sort of
combination. I did not enjoy vomiting and only did it in extreme cases of shame or bloat. I have had only the occasional bout of purging in the last few years as an adult. Mainly working a “day job” where bathroom accessibility was an issue and
living with a spouse that would catch on to the purging put an end to the
purging.
I still binge from time to time, but not like when I was an adolescent or in my early
twenties. Now, I graze thoughtlessly and if I really feel like binging and eating something really bad for me, it would involve a trip to the store. I do not
have much snack food in the house either. Pretty much everything I have is ingredients. If I have to go through the effort of fixing something to eat even if it is canned soup, this is enough time for my bad mood to pass. If I really want junk food, I would have to get in my car, drive to the store, and then go up and down the
aisles looking for junk food and having to consider my actions and their
consequences. This is also enough time and forethought for the mood to pass.
This is my way of self management. But of course, this makes living with me challenging. Living with my diabetic dad and stepmom has
not been a huge issue because they cannot have snack food around either. Also the guilt of eating “their” food is pretty decent deterrent. Besides, around
them I might be depressed or angry, but I am not lonely and I can talk to
either one of them about what is causing the emotional upheaval in the first
place. Living with my ex-husband was bad. Before he went on this massive and
very restrictive Atkins diet, he would eat cookies by the sleeve and just have
all kinds of junk around. He liked food and I believe has developed a bit of a warped body image now that he has to attract other males, I did not witness him seriously binge eating. However, there were times that he would get a
pizza just for himself and eat the pizza all night and play video games. That can’t be healthy.
twenties. Now, I graze thoughtlessly and if I really feel like binging and eating something really bad for me, it would involve a trip to the store. I do not
have much snack food in the house either. Pretty much everything I have is ingredients. If I have to go through the effort of fixing something to eat even if it is canned soup, this is enough time for my bad mood to pass. If I really want junk food, I would have to get in my car, drive to the store, and then go up and down the
aisles looking for junk food and having to consider my actions and their
consequences. This is also enough time and forethought for the mood to pass.
This is my way of self management. But of course, this makes living with me challenging. Living with my diabetic dad and stepmom has
not been a huge issue because they cannot have snack food around either. Also the guilt of eating “their” food is pretty decent deterrent. Besides, around
them I might be depressed or angry, but I am not lonely and I can talk to
either one of them about what is causing the emotional upheaval in the first
place. Living with my ex-husband was bad. Before he went on this massive and
very restrictive Atkins diet, he would eat cookies by the sleeve and just have
all kinds of junk around. He liked food and I believe has developed a bit of a warped body image now that he has to attract other males, I did not witness him seriously binge eating. However, there were times that he would get a
pizza just for himself and eat the pizza all night and play video games. That can’t be healthy.
Now I find myself spending much of my time with a man that
has similar eating issues to me. I will admit to gaining 10-15 pounds in the five months or so since I have moved down here. It is hard to tell who is a bad
influence on whom in this relationship. But the end, I only have myself to blame for my behavior and I am the only one that can change it.
has similar eating issues to me. I will admit to gaining 10-15 pounds in the five months or so since I have moved down here. It is hard to tell who is a bad
influence on whom in this relationship. But the end, I only have myself to blame for my behavior and I am the only one that can change it.
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