вторник, 21 июля 2020 г.

Teaching Him the Difference Between Sex and Making Love


Ohhh, we’ve got a complex little request here today, ladies. Kirsten just got engaged, and he’s a.) a virgin, and b.) he only knows what he DOES know from watching…ahem…adult cinema.
She wants to know — why do men think that “sex” and “making love” are the same, and how can she tell him the difference?
ok here’s the deal….my fiance and i just got engaged a little over a month ago…i don’t know how to explain to him the difference between sex and making love to him…he says he’s never made love to a woman and to be honest he learned how to have sex by watching porno so we can both i agree that that’s out…i don’t know why alot of men think sex and making love are one in the same…and i don’t know what to tell him to do to make love to me… see my crisis????? please help!!!
Dear Kirsten,
Well, I’ve got good news and bad news for you. No, scratch that. I’ve got mildly frustrating news and fantastic news for you. Let’s start with the bad news:
Bad News: NO ONE KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THESE TWO THINGS
Nobody. Anywhere. Absolutely no one besides YOU knows exactly how and where you draw the line between sex and making love. I’m guessing that’s why you think that men “think they are one and the same”. I sure don’t know the difference as far as what YOU think about it. I literally have no idea what you mean. I can try to imagine what you mean, but I’m positive that I’d only be sorta right, and only in a very general way.
And if I were, say, a virgin (like some fiances you might know), oh boy would that distinction make me nervous as hell. I mean, he’s already got the burden of, “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing” on his shoulders. Now he’s got, “And even if I figure something out…how in the crap am I supposed to tell if it’s making love or just sex?!”
And of course there IS no way for him to know. Because there’s no definition there. It’s only your definition that matters here.
Great News: IT’S GONNA BE WICKED SUPER FUN TO TEACH HIM THE DIFFERENCE
See, here’s where being engaged to a virgin could be really fun (said the manslator even though he was pretty thankful he, himself, was not.) Yeah, I just read that parenthetical, and I’m absolutely sure it’s got to be a little nervewracking.
But here’s the thing: the man wants to marry you. He asked and everything. He has decided to spend the rest of his life with you. This is a good sign that he, you know, kinda likes you. And wants you to be happy. And he wants HIM to be happy. This is a great chance for you to tell him, “Listen, those…er…training films you watched? They’re not for women. I know the women in them seem like they’re having fun, but you don’t pay me as much as they get paid, so…”
Ok, ok, let’s start over. Seriously, this time. There’s no reason not to tell him, “Listen, real sex isn’t like in those movies. Well, hey, maybe it is for somebody, but not for ME anyway. That’s the thing. It’s different for everybody, it’s not like you can learn anything from anyone but YOUR person. And what we’ve got to do is to teach each other how WE do it, that’s all. And we love each other, so it’s going to be so easy. And, you know, fun.” And then, you can tell him what you like, what you want him to do, how you want him to do it, what you want to do to him. And he gets to vote on what he wants YOU to do, too, see. It’s win-win, here.
I have a VERY difficult time believing that he’ll have a problem with this conversation. I mean, sure, it’s going to seem a little awkward at first. But that’s only because you’re talking about something deep and important. And fun. I mean, people don’t go skydiving because it’s relaxing. They go because it feels really, really weird, and that’s fun. Either that, or they just like falling out of stuff. Anyway, not important.
The point is, don’t get hung up — or more importantly don’t get HIM hung up — on the differences between sex and making love. To a first-timer, that’s going to sound suspiciously like the differences between “right” and “wrong.” And sex is no fun if you’re being graded on it. As my friend Alexis once said, “Everybody who takes their pants off wins!”
Good luck, Kirsten. I know it’s got to be a little stressful here. But I swear, if you give a guy half a chance to learn a little something with the understanding that if he pays attention in class, it will make you absolutely crazy-hot-lovey-happy? Uh, yeah, he’ll be happy to show up for every session.
Oh ladies? Ever taught a man the difference between sex and making love? How about naughty and nice? Paper and plastic?
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пятница, 17 июля 2020 г.

He Won’t Call Her His ‘Gilrlfriend’, 5 Months In!


We’ve got a variant on the Non-Boyfriend. This French guy seems to be behaving exactly like a boyfriend — all but the name. They’ve been exclusive for 5 months, but he won’t call her his girlfriend. And when she asks why, he won’t really tell her. What’s this about? Why the resistance to that word?
The request is a bit long, so I’ll just print the end of the letter that seems to sum it all up pretty well. (The full text is, as usual, at the bottom of the post.)
When I ask why he can’t give me that, he won’t say why, just that he needs time.
Maybe it’s because he doesn’t trust me? He thinks I flirt with everyone and wear revealing clothes to attract attention. Or maybe he just doesn’t want a relationship? When we were just friends he would always say that he’s not a good guy, that he doesn’t know why he treats women “the way he does”, and that I wouldn’t want someone like him as a boyfriend.
I’m a good woman and treat him very well. He’s a good man and he treats me well. We’re not perfect, but for the most part what we have is very special. So what’s stopping him from giving me that title? I’m not asking to get married…I just want a title. We’ve known each other for a year, have been exclusively seeing each other for half of that time and before that were great friends. He says that I have nothing to worry about and that titles aren’t everything. My response? “If they aren’t that important to you then just call me your girlfriend.” I’m right. Right?
I don’t know if I can take this much longer. Maybe I’m wasting my time? Should I jump ship and save myself before it’s too late?
Please help!
Thanks,
Annabella
Dear Annabella,
Couple of interesting things going on here. Your first thought is that maybe he doesn’t trust you, and it does seem possible, given the stuff you mention. But it seems all the more possible given what happened earlier in your relationship. Here’s the quote I don’t totally get:
Eventually I could no longer ignore my feelings and the thought of him being with anyone else literally made me sick to my stomach. I wasn’t sure if he felt the same, after all a man should pursue the woman right? So if he cared, he would not want me seeing other people. So I told him that we could still be friends but I was getting in too deep and needed some boundaries – basically no cuddling or kissing and spending a bit less time together. The jokes, the conversation, and hanging out could be 95% the same. I thought this was logical and fair – a GREAT compromise – but he told me I was “moving us backwards, not forwards”.
I have to say…I kind of agree with him. I could be just misreading this, but it seems that you’re saying that when you started having strong feelings for him…you dumped him. I mean…that’s what this says, right? Ultimately he boomeranged back with…
A week passed and he told me that he did not like this change, that he missed our cuddle time and kissing, that we should elope, that he wanted me to have his kids.
Uh…wowie. And then…
I told him to think on it for another week. Well after a week he realized that Vegas wasn’t a good idea and that he didn’t even want to commit. I asked why we couldn’t even be a couple? He said he wasn’t ready but that we could become exclusive.
Now…I’m not saying that it wasn’t a good idea to hit the brakes at “elope” and “kids” but he might have taken this as ambivalence on your part. I mean, you had just demoted him to “friends” a couple of weeks before, right? And when he came back with his crazy, probably way-over-the-top ideas about getting married and putting babies inside you, you told him to wait a week. Again — I’m not saying it was a bad idea to tell him that. I’m just saying, is it possible that he’s a little nervous that you’ve got one foot out the door?
So, add in the fact that he thinks you dress sexy and flirt with other dudes, I’d say that yeah, it’s totally possible that what you’re sensing in him is a lack of trust.
“I’M NOT A GOOD GUY” — Manslation: “NO, REALLY. I’M ACTUALLY NOT A GOOD GUY.”
Now, you say that he treats you really well (other than the whole refusal of nomenclature thing you’ve got going.) But when you were just pals, he said the above. Listen, when a guy says he’s not a good guy? Listen to that man. He is NOT LYING.
That said, he’s treating you really well. And he talks like he wants to be with you forever. My guess? What you’ve got right ch’ere is that elusive creature: the Reformed Player. Sounds to me like when you met, he was a bit of a dawg. But now that he’s with you, he likes you, but isn’t used to a.) feeling that way about a woman, and b.) having someone else have so much power.
See, a player has all the power. He retains all the control in any “relationship” he’s in. (I put that word in quotes because the only way that these arrangements are “relationships” is that they probably involve having “relations.” And possibly on a ship. Who knows? I don’t know where he does his business.)
But in your situation, YOU have exerted quite a bit of control, to the point of essentially ending things when the terms weren’t acceptable. Sounds to me like you’re driving the ship, and from the perspective of a Reformed Player it probably seems even MORE like that.
WHAT NOW?
Well, I certainly don’t see this as a “jump ship” kind of situation. It seems like he’s definitely behaving like he’s on board with being with you, you’re exclusive, all of that. But what’s up with this word he won’t say? Well, I think it might be his way of holding back at least one chip in this “game.” As in, he feels like you hold all the power here. He knows you want this. He feels like if he gives it to you, you’re not going to have any more reason to want anything from him, and bail out (again, I might add.)
Remember, if he really is a Reformed Player, he’s sailing in very, very new territory here. (I promise that is the last nautical term I’m going to use today.) Seems like he isn’t doing anything that says “one foot out the door.” But this might, to him, feel like the last piece of control he’s got.
What he needs to hear is why you would like to hear this word. There are obviously reasons in his head why he does NOT want to call you that. When he finally hears that your real and full reason for wanting to hear “girlfriend” isn’t whatever bad thing he’s imagining it is, it might ease the pressure. If he feels like you want it as a “test” for him (and hey, let’s not pretend that’s never happened in the world, ok?) or if he feels like what you really want is something else and the word girlfriend is a way to edge him towards that (ditto there) then sure, he might feel nervous about saying it.
Good luck Annabella! I think what the two of you need is to equalize the atmosphere around that word. In his world it means one thing, in yours it means something else. I think if you can open your airlock door a little bit and let him know where you’re really at, and see where he’s really at, you can at LEAST move the conversation into the real world, and see where you stand.
Ahoy, ladies! (Dang, just had to do one more nautical term. Though the “airlock” one probably counts in a way. Crap!) What’s in a title, anyway? Should she stick around to find out?
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среда, 15 июля 2020 г.

Lunchtime Boobjob Edition


Hello there, gentle readers. And hello to you as well, very rough readers, with your giant, oversized muscles and bloody knuckles, frightening the animals and eating the children. Hello to you both.
Before we sign off for the weekend, leaving you to manslate for yourselves for two whole days (after which you will ALL come RIGHT BACK HERE on Monday, and every other day after that, forever and ever, no more discussion, thank you very much) I’d like to just touch on a couple of manslatable news items that I saw this week:

LUNCHTIME BOOBJOBS COMING TO EUROPE

Yep. It’s that easy now. They numb your butt and your boobs, they put some of your butt into your boobs, and over the course of six months they become big. (I’m not a doctor, you understand. That’s a sort of “high-level” description.) Hell, this sounds so simple, I’m probably going to get it done myself.
I almost feel a little bad about something that these women don’t realize as they walk back to work after lunch with their numb butts and boobs. Six months from now when they have their dream rack, they’ll be forced to date the same idiots they were with before. Just with less eye contact.
Here’s the manslation — men do want to have sex with women who have big, fake boobs. However, they also want to have sex with women who have everything else. We’ll probably have sex with you either way, so save your money. Unless you want to be a pornstar or a newscaster — something where it’s important. Then, by all means, go for it.

SEVEN GORED AT PAMPLONA BULL RUN

Yes, that’s right, tragedy struck at the annual running of the bulls when only seven of the morons were gored this year. Even worse, none of the wounds seem to have been fatal.
There is not a more macho-douchebag activity in the world than this one. Come on, bulls. We count on you to keep these walnut-brained primates from passing along their feeble, mouth-breathing genes to yet another generation of domestic abusers. At least see if you can’t catch them right in the ol’ specials with those horns you’re sporting.
Here’s the manslation: “I have chosen to run from enraged bulls because I want women to know that I am brave in the face of dangerous beasts in the wild. Apparently the last 20,000 years of civilization have slipped my mind. Oh, and I have a tiny wang.”

EVA LONGORIA: “NOT NERVOUS AT WEDDING”

Honestly, I’m just glad that this story was reported at all. I spent that whole night alone at home, naked, in the fetal position, praying that she wouldn’t be nervous.
Of course she wasn’t nervous. She’s rich, she’s famous, she’s on a hit show, and she was marrying a superstar athlete. What, is she worried she’s going to trip, fall on her face, scarring her for life, making him not want to marry her, then they fire her from that show, and the hospital bills cost ten dollars more than she has in the bank?
Here’s the manslation: I want to know if the GUY was nervous. Men are about as comfortable with weddings as deer are with hunting. We have a very keen sense that you all have been planning this day since WAY before you ever met our sorry asses. It’s a little unnerving when we feel like you’re eyeballing us to see if we’ll fit into the tux that you already mentally picked out for us when you were, like, eleven.

WITNESS: SPECTOR SAID ALL WOMEN DESERVE A BULLET

Wow. Yesterday in my Manslations for Hillary Duff, I mentioned my great love of famous persons going insane in public. And there’s Phil Spector. Wearing that muppet wig, having to sit there and listen to his friends — his FRIENDS — tell the court how he wants to shoot ALL women.
I think the manslation here is this: If you’re with a guy who says that all women deserve a bullet, he’s maybe not kidding. Unless you’re dating Oscar Wilde*, it might not just be a witty metaphor.
Incidentally, if you ARE dating Oscar Wilde, you might want to make sure you keep your lack of a penis on the down-low. Ix-nay on the agina-vay. Oh, and try not to bring up the fact that he’s long dead. He’ll probably just say something infuriatingly witty about how he’s more alive dead than he ever was while alive. And who needs that nonsense?
Have a great weekend everybody! See you on Monday!
And let’s hear some chatter out there — leave a comment, request manslations, whatever it is! Let me know you stopped by. I know you’re out there, people. I can hear you click.

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среда, 8 июля 2020 г.

How should you respond to “I have been soooooo busy”?


We’ve all heard it, probably all said it. You’ve been trying to chase somebody down, and you get, “Wow, I am so sorry. I have been SOOOOOO busy!” Well, duh. What should you SAY, though? And is there a way to get him to stop being so busy? I’ve got some thoughts on that.
Hi Jeff,
You’ve helped me several times before; I read your page often and I’ve a quickie for you: What’s the best way to respond to the “I’ve been sooooo busy” line? I hear it ALL the time and yeah, I say it sometimes too. When I’m on the receiving end, sometimes I ignore it, sometimes I say, “yes, we’re all busy, I get it.” Because it’s basically a brush-off, is there anything I can say to make the guy want to rearrange his busy schedule or is it just better to not respond at all?
Thank ya!
-Amber
Dear Amber,
Well, in order to know how to respond, you’ve got to know what’s being said to you, right? And it seems that you do. You said it yourself. It’s a brushoff. To be more specific:
HIM: I’ve been soooooo busy.
MANSLATION: You aren’t important enough to me to make time for you.
Are there exceptions? Well…I suppose if you’re dating the Secretary of Defense or something. But the overwhelming majority of the time, when someone says they’re so busy, it usually means that they just didn’t want to tell you, “I’ve been sitting around the house watching old Law & Orders that I had already seen, but I STILL didn’t call you.” But it’s just a nicer way of saying the same thing.
CAN YOU MAKE HIM WANT TO STOP BEING SO BUSY?
Not really, because the problem is rarely how busy he is. The problem is where you fit on his priority list. And if you’re down there below “World of Warcraft” and “study Klingon language tapes” (hey, I don’t know who you date) then what could you SAY to change that? Personally, I’ve never been in a situation where a.) I was “talked into” a relationship and b.) it ended well. Just not a great idea.
SO HOW TO RESPOND?
Well, you could say:
  • “Oh really? Busy? Not me. I’ve just been sitting around making collages of your picture at this cool…oh, I guess you could call it an ‘altar’ that I’ve built. You should check it out. Or you could just look at the photos of it that I left in you mailbox. Oh and your hair looks really cute tonight. Where did you get that shirt?“
  • “If you’re going to blow me off with a BS “busy” excuse, the least you could do is to give me something specific. Tell me you were kidnapped by pirates, tell me you’ve been trapped in a beartrap in Montana, some damn thing.“
  • Or, the real answer…nothing. Don’t bother. Brush him off right back. If he’s saying this, it’s almost exclusively because the real answer is (even) less flattering to you.
Good luck, Amber! And thanks for the question!
What do YOU say when a guy’s been “busy”?

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пятница, 3 июля 2020 г.

The Mac is Bac(k) and Totally Married!


Hello all!
Well, Liz and I are back from the honeymoon, and boy was it WAY too short. Oh, you all know Liz, right? You know — my WIFE? (Still so weird and cool to say.) Some folks have requested some pictures. I’ll figure out a way to do that at some point, but here’s one quick one for now:

That’s me and my totally radiant and beautiful lady fair, standing with the Rev. And yes, I’m wearing jeans. (My little niece who wasn’t there asked about this several times.) It’s ok, they’re from Banana Republic. As is everything else I’m wearing, now that I think of it. Man, in this picture I’m pretty much a mannequin from there. That would be embarrassing, except that I have a head and their mannequins don’t. All in all, I think I win on that count.
Here’s another one of Liz and her dad waiting to walk out for the hitchin’:
Who married that beauty? That would be me.
The wedding was…well, it was eventful, let’s say. What I mean is, we got what we deserved for trying to have a “no drama wedding.” We only had about 15 people there, we had it Liz’s parent’s house, simple, simple, simple. Everything went unbelievably smoothly, all was perfect, everything was just the sweetest, most meaningful and awesome thing ever…
…right until one of our guests collapsed and was rushed to the cardiac intensive care unit at the hospital. During the middle of the ceremony. Seriously.
Don’t worry, don’t worry — he’s totally ok now. It was mostly related to the fact that he wasn’t fully acclimated to being about 7,000 feet above sea level. And who is? But, ah, holy crap was it ever scary for a day or so there. And what a great reminder that you need to do/say/act on whatever you want to, like, NOW.
And it just goes to show that there IS no such thing as a “no drama wedding.” It’s like unicorns and fat free fig newtons. Sounds possible, but it ain’t. You can make it as smooth as a baby’s hindquarters, but sooner or later something…er…exciting’s gonna happen.
But even given the CPR-sized bump in the road, our wedding was the best. Great people, great cake. We were married by an old childhood pal of Liz’s, Rev. Sarah Halverson, who was (and still is) hugely involved in attempting to defeat Prop 8 in California. Keep fighting the good fight, Rev!
And the honeymoon was so much fun. We stayed at a spa out in the middle of nowhere called “Ojo Caliente,” which I definitely recommend. But then we did one of the coolest things ever….
AHOY, HUMANS! WELCOME ABOARD THE EARTHSHIP!
We spent one night in an “Earthship,” Which is a 100% self-sustaining house. By that I mean that it is 100% off the grid. No electricity but from solar panels. No water but what’s caught off the roof. No active heating OR cooling. And no compromises at all on ANY of it. Plenty of power, super warm even though it was 23 degrees outside. And in pretty much the most beautiful place on the planet, right outside of Taos, NM. We want to live in one of these things, stat.
Seriously, if you’re ever near Taos, look up our new pal, Jill at www.heliohouse.com and see if she’s got a night available for you to stay there. Reasonably priced, and totally cool place to stay. And Jill was just the best. She answered all our crazy earthship questions and then some!
Anyway, we’re back in Brooklyn, missing the desert like crazy, grateful for all our great family and friends who came to our wedding…AND as if that wasn’t enough– Liz is now not only my lady fair, but my 100% enwifened one. And I couldn’t be happier about the whole thing. The past couple of weeks have been the best of my life, and I just expect it to get better.
I missed you, my manslatees, devotees, and devout worshippers! I’ll be back tomorrow with your regularly scheduled manslations!
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четверг, 2 июля 2020 г.

What do Men Think of Well Paid Women

Welcome back, ladies. Today we’ve got a variation on a theme that we’ve seen before, people. What happens when a woman does really, really well for herself, financially? Does this have an effect on men?
What do men really think of women who happen by accident of genetics or fear of poverty or whatever to be successful and well paid?
Dear Michele,
Interesting question, Michele, and it reminds me of the one about whether or not men are intimidated by strong women. But it adds the specific element of MONEY. Cash. Cold, hard, samollians. Clams. Er…greenbacks…oh…ok, I think I’m out.
Is a man affected by the fact that a woman is financially successful — more successful than he is, for example? The answer is:
MAYBE
Ok, let’s be a tiny bit more helpful than that, shall we, Jeff? Great.
First of all, he’s less likely to think about what YOU make, and more likely to think about the fact that maybe HE makes less. It’s the stuff about how it reflects upon him that you might come up against.
WHY MEN NEED TO MAKE MORE MONEY THAN WOMEN - USEFULNESS!
Look, not all men need to make more money than their woman. (Hell, if Liz wants to suddenly become a millionaire, I will be more than honored to help her spend it. I’ve had my eye on a scepter carved from a single gigantic ruby, and I just haven’t put together the scratch to grab it.) It does happen, though. It probably used to happen more than it does these days, but it’s still around. Why? What do men have at stake here?
  • WHAT AM I GOOD FOR? This is a big one for a lot of men. Lots of guys think that they are only as desirable as they are CAPABLE. Some guys feels like if you don’t NEED them, you’re not going to WANT them. This is why we love to be able to set up the surround sound, format the hard drive, change the oil in the car, or whatever other “manly” areas of understanding there are. With money, there can be a similar thing.
  • WHAT WILL THE GUYS SAY? Many, if not all, men are competitive in some way or another. With themselves, with their idiot friends, with whatever the standard is in their field. And if other people know that a man’s woman makes twice what he makes, he might get his share of jokes and jibes. Whether it’s true, false, outdated, or whatever, there IS a stereotype that the man is The Breadwinner. If the woman is making more, some people are going to see that not as a success for HER, but a failure for HIM. And they might let him know.
What do these two things have in common? INSECURITY.
If a man isn’t very secure in himself and/or if his circle of acquaintance can’t get over the 1950’s, one or both of these things might come into play. But what about a man who IS fairly secure in himself?
WHAT HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW THAT HE DOESN’T KNOW
The real answer is this, Michele. If you are a very successful woman, you might bounce up against some unexamined preconceptions he’s got about himself, life, gender roles, dinner rolls, etc.
As we all know, men often still make more than women in the same jobs. Obviously, that’s changing, but just as obviously it’s still around. (P.S. I’m sorry about that. It’s not my fault. I’ve never been a boss, and was therefore never invited to be involved in the Dread Patriarchy. I know I should try to ascend into that and change it from the inside, but…well, I like to sleep in…)
The point is that even guys who would be totally cool with a woman out-succeeding him might NEVER HAVE DATED ONE. He might have never had the chance to examine all of the stereotypes he’s got built in there about the Breadwinner, and what it says about a man that makes less than a woman.
SO WHAT SHOULD YOU DO IF YOU’RE SUCCESSFUL?
What do you do if you make a ton of cash, and are doing really, really well?
  • DON’T APOLOGIZE FOR IT: Look, you make what you make. He makes what he makes. You shouldn’t have to pretend to make less than him. That won’t help him, it won’t help you, and who has the energy? Not me. (Though to be fair I haven’t gone to the gym as much as I should lately.)
  • DON’T LORD IT OVER HIM, EITHER: Just as you don’t want to be playing down who you are and what you do, you don’t need to play UP that angle. It wouldn’t be very fun if he did that either. Powerplays in either direction rarely help a relationship. Unless your relationship is held during a hockey game (in which case, hey, slam him!)
  • WHY DO YOU NEED HIM AROUND? You don’t need his money. But you do need/want him around right? And if you do, treat him that way. Don’t go out of your way to tell him how LITTLE you need him. Whatever it is that you DO love/want/need him for, just don’t forget to let him see that.
  • COMPETE WITH HIM? I was going to say NOT to play up the competitive element in this, but some couples really get off on competition with each other. I’m not in one of those, and wouldn’t want to be. But some are and would. If you’re in a relationship that thrives on competition between the two of you, this might actually be a turn-on. Just know what works for YOU.
Good luck, Michele. I’d say just be who you are, and let him know why you want to be with him. No matter what you make vs. what he makes, that one always works with the right person.
What’s your experience, successful ladies? How do the boys treat’cha?
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четверг, 25 июня 2020 г.

Did She Scare Him Off?


Well, a reader named Ellen has kept herself off the market for a while. She finally broke down and went out with a guy, and he pulled a Fade on her. She’s wondering what she did wrong, if she scared him off.
I’m guessing she’s not quite as scary as she thinks she is, but let’s find out for sure.
hi…got a question for you…
I really don’t understand this..but maybe you can help since you`re a man.. I`m from Norway..:)
Ok, I am right now warming up my “man-to-Norwegian-woman” vocabulary. Gentlemen, start your umlauts…
Ì`m a single 33 year old mum, single in my 3rd year.. kept myself from men,since it doesnt seem like I`m so lucky with them..
Is it that way, or is it the other way around — you’re not so lucky with them because you keep yourself from them? Did I just blow your Scandinavian mind, Ellen? It’s ok, it happens.
I met a guy,that I knew who was,but didn’t really know..(on Facebook) but I live in a town where everybody knows everybody,so I knew who he is… I thought he looked like a nice guy,not the guys I usually met before I become mum..
It all sounds good, except that Ted Bundy looked like a nice guy as well. You can’t always judge a book by its nice cover. (Well, except for MY book, which you should all judge to be lovely by its nice cover. And then you should be purchasing it, like instantly if you ever hope to be happy with your existences. I mean it — it’s just that important. )
we chatted a little bit,then calls…he was really sweet and I was glad to met someone like him.. he is also a single dad,so had much in common.. We had good chemistry from the first meeting,which was in my place..( Never been a guy there,other the kids father) We talked and had a real good time..this happened for a week..But he didnt send me any texts the days we were apart,and I got little bit insecure,but he called me and said that it didnt mean that he didnt like me… so on sunday he came on a little hi-how are you-trip over to me,and kissed me and said he saw me tomorrow… I thought I should have sent him a good-night text,but didnt,since was coming next day.. I texted him the day after..and no answer,then I called..but he didnt pick up…
Hrm. Strange. If I understand this correctly, he did come over, but then AFTER that, he didn’t respond or pick up. Mm. Not a great sign, that. Let’s see what happened next.
I did the same thing today,and said in the text,that I deserved a little explanation..but nothing…what happened? Did I scare him off..?
Nah, that doesn’t really happen, Ellen. I’ll explain more in a sec.
I`m so sad,cause he is the first guy I liked in many years,and he made me think the feeling was mutal..we didnt have sex,but talked about it..He had also been single for 3 year,and was looking for something lasting.. but he also told me he had been a real player when he was younger.. and had been hurt by the ex,who he has kids with..
Right. Not always a great sign when the guy is listing for you all the reasons why he might not be such a great relationship-er.
he was so kind and good to me..told me,if it would come down to it,that he couldnn’t commit in a realationship, he`ll tell me so,and we would be friends..
Ah yes. The “can’t commit” excuse. That one…we sometimes say that one because we know you’ve read that we feel like that sometimes. As in, “It’s not YOU, it’s the whole COMMITMENT thing that’s the problem.” It’s a way to bail out without being the Bad Guy.
Is this the case,when you want to dump someone,but dont have the guts to do it face-face?
This might very well be that very case, yes.
or at least on a text on the phone? can someone be that cold? Didnt he want me,since I didnt seal the deal right a way?
Nah, I sincerely doubt that. You both talked about the sex as a possibility. No, I don’t think this is it.
Or didnt he want the same thing?
I think this is more likely the case. The two of you weren’t on the same wavelength, from what I’m reading. Doesn’t sound like there was an “event” that stopped this thing. He just wasn’t feeling it.
did he get scared since I`m serious,and sensitive when it comes to realationships,that maybe I was a little too keen?
I really don’t think so. Maybe he was sensing that you were into him, and he didn’t want to get in any deeper knowing that. But that doesn’t mean that there was something you could have done differently, or that you did something wrong.
a lot of questions runs through my mind now,cause I just dont understand…
Ellen…
Dear Ellen,
Well…you got dumped. That’s why this one really sucks. This isn’t great, no matter what. But here are a couple of things I see:
  • YOU DIDN’T BLOW IT: I’m not seeing anything in his behavior that says that some THING happened. Unless you left out the part where he stopped calling you right after you showed him your collection of severed heads, you did fine. (And if you did that, kudos for being so trusting, but ah…maybe take up a different hobby.)
  • THIS IS HOW IT GOES: Since you’ve kept yourself off the market for the most part, you may not know this, but this is how things go out there. You go out a few times because…why? Well, for the purpose of seeing if you’re feeling it, right? First couple of dates, you just might not know. That’s what they’re for.
  • DON’T GO NUTS: The last thing you want to do is to go down the rabbit hole of “What could I have done differently?” Don’t go down that rabbit hole. And don’t go down any real rabbit holes, either. There’s nothing interesting down there but rabbit poo and used fur. The only thing you could have done differently was go out with a different guy. If you think you can “scare a guy off,” I promise, you don’t have the kind of power you think you do.
  • DON’T LET THIS STOP YOU: Here’s the biggie. Keep getting out there, Ellen. And because you now know that this is just how it goes, maybe just alter your approach a little. Look at the first couple of dates as GATHERING INFO. You’re going in there not to get this man. You’re dating to find out WHAT you feel about this man. And to get a sense of what he feels about you. And if somebody backs off, you or him, well, that’s the information you learned.
Good luck, Ellen. I’m sorry it happened this way, but just remember — the vast majority of dates do not lead to relationships. So the more pressure you can take OFF of the date to be that One, the more fun you can have, and the better off you’ll be.
What say you, ladies? What happened here? Sound familiar at all? Hello?
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