Earning Trust Is Easy. Keeping It Is Hard.

A few people have asked for a post on this from the FB page. Not "Trusting Your Instincts," as Alex Wise covered that perfectly just this week (If you have not yet read that, do so right now. Dude totally nails it), but more trusting in general. And since I am a cynical guy who has trusted virtually no one ever, it sounded to me like a challenge.

What sort of trust are we talking about? The trust you have that a cab driver is going to deliver you to your destination quickly and safely, rather than ending you in a ball of flame and shredded steel? Or the trust that this guy is not going to fillet your heart for his own amusement? The first type of trust is easy. The other is very hard indeed.

As an example of the first type, the readers here trust us to be honest and fair in answering questions. Objectively speaking, that is an expectation that is totally unenforcable, so why have it at all? The presumption of good faith, the basis of all trust, is the cornerstone of our legal and moral code. We simply expect people to do what they are paid to do, to the best of their ability and with all due care and attention. We punish them if they don't. Without that ideal, society simply wouldn't run.

Add emotions or beliefs into the mix though, and it is a whole 'nother ball game. "We find it difficult to grant that other people come to their conclusions in good faith if they reach a conclusion that is different than ours,"  Someone who disagrees with you, or argues with you, you almost automatically assume is dealing in bad faith and is untrustworthy with a malfunctioning brain.

Enter "The Player." He may not be an actual player, of course, maybe a common or garden con merchant, but they all use the same techniques of confident professionalism, attentive listening and mirroring then leading to disarm suspicion and gain your trust as rapidly as possible. 

A good con artist, like a good therapist, can have you trusting him inside of ten minutes, simply because you wish to trust him by default and he knows the tools to use. It really is that simple.
A good person, on the other hand, may take months for you to begin to trust fully, as they are living their own lives. It is one of the main reasons trust issues start appearing about three months into any relationship. Your guy is no longer agreeing with you on everything. Your life is a very important, yet secondary, priority for them.

There are two parts to trust. The part you do, and the part the other person does to keep you trusting. As you can never control another's actions, learn to control and monitor your own. Watch for the warning signs that someone is out to con you hard, but try not to be too suspicious.

Most people are good and worthy of trust. Especially the ones you disagree with.

Dating Advice: Regaining Lost Trust

Many things can damage a relationship but few are more lethal than broken trust. If you’ve broken your partner’s trust in a moment of foolishness, how do you go about winning it back?

Rena from Denver, CO writes:
I got mad and made a threat to this guy I was dating. I know this makes me look bad, but things just happened between us and before I knew it we were dating. I threatened to tell his family about us when we got in a fight one day. I’m a very temperamental person and I keep escalating the situation until it blows up in my face. now he wont talk to me at all. He said that once I made the threat he shut me out. I really like this guy and I realize I have anger problems and I work hard to resolve them. but he doesn’t understand this his lack of communication led to me being angry in the first place. I’ve apologized many times, I don’t know what else to do. Is there anything else I can do?

I do think this situation is resolvable, but it’s going to take you reaching out to him first. I know he isn’t talking to you for the moment, which is tough on its own to fix. Have you tried reaching him through a mutual friend? That can be a good approach since not only will it get your message delivered, but it will also give him the benefit of the mutual friend’s good opinion of you. If that doesn’t work, I’d suggest a hand-written letter since that that shows effort and also tends to catch a person off-guard; people seldom receive hand-written letters anymore and there’s a good chance if he gets one from you he’ll read the contents. Just don’t deliver it to his house—make sure to send it to the office, or even walk up to him in person and hand it to him yourself.

I don’t think the reason that he shut you out is your anger so much as the breach of trust you created when you threatened him. I understand that you are frustrated with his situation with his family and want him to make a decision sooner or later about who he really wants to be with. These things do take time though; this is a major life change, and it is important for him to have the chance to tell his family his decision in his own way. The way in which he tells them could determine how he feels about that choice for the rest of his life. If he chooses to be with you but the way in which his family finds out is destructive, he may regret his choice, even if it was the “right” one. What you’re dealing with is hopefully the protective urge that caused him to start a family in the first place and not shame. That’s a good trait. If he finds a constructive way to tell them about you (especially if children are involved), then there will be fewer emotional scars all around, including for you.

That being said, how do you win back his trust? My suggestion is to give him some collateral. If you trust him, then think of something you don’t want anyone to know about you, something of equal proportion if you can, and tell him that thing. 

That way you’ll be standing on equal ground. If he feels that you no longer have the advantage on him, and sees that you are willing to trust him with something sensitive, then he may finally feel ready to open up to you again. Let him know that you are very sorry for breaking his trust (not just for your anger management issues), and that you understand the importance of him being able to choose the way in which he communicates his choice to his family. But don’t let him put it off forever—figure out how long you’re willing to wait on him and explain that you are looking for more communication, and that you need him to make up his mind. You deserve to be treated with fairness and respect in this situation, just as he does, and that will need to come from him as much as from you. Let us know how things work out.

Damn, We Make Some Stupid Dating Mistakes! Just a Random Thought…

One of the best things about having good platonic male friends is that I’m able to get a glimpse into the entertaining dating life of an adult male.

While discussing New Year’s Eve plans with a male friend of mine, we (as usual) came across the topic of dating. Naturally, this friend is keeping his options open by dating a few ladies at one time. Two of the females want more while he’s content with the way things are. Another one thinks they’re in a relationship just because he cooked a meal for her and they did the nasty a few times. Another one, after only knowing my friend for a month, wants him to meet her son.

As he’s telling me these stories, I realize that we (women) make the same mistakes again and again and again when it comes to dating and relationships.

Below is just a few of the mistakes we make:

1.       Trusting a man too soon. Trust is something that should be EARNED and let’s face it, most men you meet will not be trustworthy. There are many sharks out there, so it’s best to protect your heart…and other body parts.

2.      Having extremely highexpectations too soon. I’ve noticed that women like to romanticize situations from the moment they go on that first date. For the love of God and yourself – please stop!!!  You may be setting yourself up for some major disappointment.

3.      Giving too much too soon. This one is a pattern of mine. I can admit it. When I really like a guy, I tend to go above and beyond in every aspect too soon in the dating situation – and we’re not even talking about the relationship stage yet. When we stop dating a few months to a year later, I’m kicking myself for having done so much for that person for nothing. If it’s reciprocated, I see no problem with it, but this is rarely the case.

4.      Having sex on the first date. I’m sorry…I know we are modern, sexually liberated females and all, but I still think this is a mistake – especially since (and we women know this) it’s probably not going to be as good for you as it will be for him. What’s the rush?

5.      Assuming exclusivity. Unless the two of you have had ‘the talk’ and you’ve both agreed to having a relationship or seeing each other exclusively, you are not in a relationship. This is especially true if you’re dating someone who’s into online dating.

Much of the above are pieces of advice we’ve heard from our mothers, aunts, and grandmothers for years. And you know what?? The shit still applies!  Wisdom usually comes with years of experience. If I’ve learned anything in my 31 years, it’s certainly that small truth. I only wish I’d listen to a few of these ‘Words of Wisdom’ from the strong women in my family when I was younger. Could’ve saved myself from Lord knows how much overall disappointment and pissed offedness!

Men: Hunters or Predators?

While on a date this past weekend with an acquaintance suddenly turned serious dating material, I noticed something very interesting.  We were sitting at a local dive sports bar/dive lounge (I really don’t know any other way to describe this place) chatting, flirting, and just plain ole’ having a good time, when another male patron brushed by me saying the words, “Yeah…you’re hot.” Now, I suppose I should be flattered because I honestly did not think I was looking my best. I mean, I’d run home from work and thrown on the usual date uniform – stilettos, skinnies, accessories, and flirty top – accompanied by a cute bag, of course. I’d had absolutely no time to ‘do up’ my hair into any kind of cute style, but was trying my hardest to look carelessly hot for the man I was out with.

No…I can’t say I was flattered, just mainly surprised that the male patron (who was of a much smaller stature than my date) actually had the balls to say that right in front of him. Lucky for him, my date didn’t hear it.

I thought all was good in the hood…until I ran into Little Man on my way to the bathroom where he asked to “talk for a minute”.  When I’d had enough entertainment, I laughed, shoved him out of my way, and went to the bathroom. Thankfully, my date was waiting for me outside when I was done.

Once we sat down, I took a look around the bar and the crowd and realized that we women are like prey almost anywhere we go.  I know they say that men are hunters, but I’m gonna go ahead and say they’re more like predators.

A cute or pretty girl would walk into the bar, pass a group of guys, or simply get up to move her seat, and 7 out of 10 guys around her would watch her every move. If a young lady walked by on her way to the bar or toward friends, she would have to endure “comments” or have her arm and/or ass grabbed. I mean, is touching really necessary? I think not.

Now a few of the ladies there seemed to enjoy this type of attention. Sad…really.  And as I sat there, drinking from my date’s gin and tonic, I couldn’t help but to wonder if the females who were so desperate for attention are the reason why men hoot and holler at women from across the bar or street, in the grocery store, at the gym, while she’s walking her dog, while she’s minding her own damn business, etc.

Do men think that because acting like a horny lil’ bastard worked on those girls in college, it’ll work on adult females as well?  That’s just ri-damn-diculous.

Note to Men:
If you’re interested in talking to a mature, intelligent female, try speaking to her like she’s a normal human being you’re interested in getting to know and NOT like she’s a piece of meat.

ONCE UPON YOUR DREAMS

The word dream, to me that word sounds heavenly. I think I was born with that word tattooed on my soul. It’s safe to say, like many of you, I am a DREAMER!

Some may say I live my life in the clouds, in this bubble of positive energy. How can one always be that happy? I have been asked. Hello, I do have my upside down days but I try not to let it show. Ok so let’s get back to dreaming, my favorite topic these days. Let me start out by saying I am a huge advocate of chasing your dreams relentlessly. You could say that, that is the motto I have claimed.

Take a moment to think about that? What are your dreams? Are you chasing them? Do you believe in yourself? Do you have a passion, a hobby, a gift (that’s your talent)? What are you doing with it? This morning reading Oprah’s newsletter I came across her quotables and read this:

“ There is no greater gift you can give or receive than to honor your calling. It’s why you were born. And how you become most truly alive.”

I suggest you all write that down as an amazing reminder that you are here with a purpose. Don’t forget that.

As you all may know or don’t, I am an Artist, of many mediums. So many I’ve lost count, I like to challenge myself so I try a little bit of everything. Let’s go back 15 years since I have been in college where I majored in graphic design and that’s what my parents wanted me to do, go find a job in an advertising company, but at the time while I was going to school I was working at a cosmetics store, Cosmetics Plus. That’s where I realized that I had a knack for making the canvas of a face beautiful. So, for four years I worked for many cosmetic lines ie: Chanel, Prescriptives, Lancome, MAC, Decleor putting myself through my own paid beauty school. I learned all the ins & outs of the beauty business which in turn I would come to start my own cosmetic line years later. At that time, that was mydream. I followed it & made it a reality.

I no longer have my company because running a business being a full time mommy of 3 (at the time) and health issues just wore me out. I had to make a decision. I did and I haven’t looked back.

Today I am where I want to be. I am actively pursuing my art career. I design just about everything, custom made illustrations, logo design, killr heels, custom iPhone/ Galaxy Cases etc.

In order to keep myself motivated and pumped, well hello, I get my daily dose of The Indie Chicks and keep up with posts from The Crazy Bitch Society. I am always writing down their quotes in my journal, keeping the positive flow streaming my way is a must for my everyday, because when I feel like I am loosing momentum, I go and read my journal and remember that there is a reason for my existence and just keep taking action towards the realization of my dreams.

Here are a few of my favorite quotes:

“All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.” – Walt Disney

“All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was just a vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.” – T. E. Lawrence

“My mother said to me, ‘ If you are a soldier, you will become a general. If you are a monk, you will become the Pope. ‘ Instead I was a painter, and became Picasso.” –Pablo Picasso

“The world needs dreamers and the world needs doers. But above all, the world needs dreamers who do.”  -Sarah Ban Breathnach

“Cherish your visions and your dreams as they are the children of your soul, the blueprints of your ultimate achievements.” 

-Napoleon Hill

The KEY here is to NEVER give up! No matter how hard it gets, no matter how many people tell you not to. You GO for it. Because, yes you can! Follow your heart, I believe in YOU!

I think we have all heard that term “ You are the creator of your own destiny. “ YOU are!  If you constantly are asking yourself why does this happen to me, playing the victim gets you nowhere. Turn your manner of thinking around, watch and see how many doors begin to open up for you.

I'm Not a Goddamn Cougar

Let's start with a few facts:

-I am 39 and so that makes me just about old enough to be a cougar. And if not a cougar than certainly a puma.

-I do indeed look fabulous for my age and get hit on by younger guys all the time.

-I saw the cougars episode of 30 Rock and the premiere of Cougartown. And for some masochistic reason I also read every silly cougar themed article I come across.

And you know what, I think it's all a big fraud being perpetrated by the media. I think they needed something spicy to write about, to entertain themselves and us. They wanted to balance out all of the sadness and catastrophe of the last few years.

And then some marketing genius saw a picture of Demi and Ashton in the paper and thought - EUREKA, COUGARS.

Now, I'm not doubting that there are some older women who date younger men, or that there are some perfectly happy cougar-cub (lord, I hate that phrase) couples. But there is no new cougar trend emerging in society.

Women, like me, who found younger men tiresome and immature 6 months ago haven't suddenly change their minds. We aren't sitting around and thinking, "Gee, I'd so much rather date a young guy who couldn't possibly relate to my life experiences like some man my own age." No offense to men in their early 20s. I adored them, when I was in my early 20s. Now, not so much.

If there is a slight uptick in women dater younger men it's only because so many of the men in their 40s aren't interested in dating women their own age. They leave us no choice.

So please, the next time you see a hot 40ish year-old woman, please please please don't call her a cougar. While there might be a few of us who like the word and throw it around in jest, the rest of it hate it and can't wait for the next fake trend to emerge. Cyberdating, perhaps?

Hello...Is There Anybody In There?

On Monday I got the call nobody wants to get.  My grandfather died, Monday morning.

There Is No Pain, You Are Receding

Before 2017, I'd been fairly lucky.  Few people I knew about had died, let alone somebody I was close to.  That changed, when my uncle died.

It was a bad death.  My uncle was never good at dealing with a setback, emotional or professional, and when the company he worked for laid him off, his alcoholism only got worse.  By the time he died, his liver had failed so thoroughly toxins were leaking through his skin.

I cried at my desk, and on the way home, plugged in my iPod.  The first song that played was Pink Floyd.

A Distant Ship Smoke On the Horizon

I've never been close with my mother's side of the family, including my mother.  This has been the function mostly of the fact that my father, who mostly raised me on his own, and my mother's side have a contentious relationship at best.  The one person, however, who stood behind my father was my grandfather.

Maybe it was because he was a generous man.  Maybe it was because he'd gone through an ugly divorce of his own.  But regardless, he stood by my father.  I was always grateful for it.  I wish now I'd told him more often.

You Are Only Coming Through In Waves

I'm bad at staying in touch.  Facebook and the like have been a godsend for me to stay in touch with people I've befriended and people I love, simply because I'm not the kind of person who picks up the phone.

As a result, I haven't spoken to anybody in my mother's family in any meaningful way beyond the occasional email for nearly five years.  I take my share of blame for this: like I said, I'm bad at staying in touch.

One thing my grandfather used to do was send newsletters.  These came via snail mail, and they were the cheesiest things you ever saw: laid out on mid-'90s word processing software, but full of details from cousins and other relatives I've barely met. I never replied to those newsletters with a letter of my own.  I think on some level, I thought there was always going to be time, that he was always going to be there.  That, I think, is my biggest regret, that I never put pen to paper.

The Child Is Grown, the Dream Is Gone

I got the call at 6:30pm on Monday, and since then I've been engaged in the frustrating mundanities of grief.  His funeral is Wednesday (I'm writing this early morning Tuesday), and my father and I will be driving twenty hours. We've been asked to attend by the widow, personally, and neither of us can afford the airfare.  Nor can we afford not to be there.

My girlfriend can't come, although she wants to: we simply have too many pets.  Explaining that and reassuring her she wasn't being a terrible person was the first thing I did.  She packed a bag for me, while I wrote my various markets and told them what was happening.

The horrible irony of funerals and travel is that you can only grieve so much. You may want to be immovable.  But you can't be. You have no choice: you have somewhere to be, and it is vitally important that you get there.

You shut off, for a little while.  You feel the grief there, just under the surface, but you can't acknowledge it.  You simply have to accept that for the moment, what you're feeling has to stay locked away while you find a hotel and arrange the details of a last-minute trip.

And you welcome it, in a way.  To not deal with the flood all at once, but with trickles.  Inevitably, the whole feeling will rush over you.  But not now.

For now, you have become comfortably numb.

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